When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU,TEEN) [COMPLETE]

[Oz]

Winner Round 14






TITLE: When Our Feet Touch the Ground

AUTHOR: Oz

RATING: Teen

CATEGORY: M/L, AU (without aliens)

DISCLAIMER: The characters of "Roswell" belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, WB, and UPN. They are not mine and no infringement is intended.

SUMMARY: This is a challenge set by Alien_Friend, who won this fic in the recent Stacie Author Auction (the challenge can be viewed here http://www.roswellfanatics.net/viewtopi ... &start=180 if you want to ruin the suspense). To summarise as sussinctly as possible, and giving nothing away, Max and Liz are very deeply in love but start to drift apart, causing them both to try and fill the void with a friendship formed over the internet. Will the friendship bloom into something more or can Max and Liz find their way back to each other before it's too late?

1

“Liz, ten years ago, I pledged my love and commitment to you. It seems like just yesterday that I promised to love you, honour you, comfort and keep you. To be by your side in sickness and in health, for better or worse, for the rest of our lives. Today, in the presence of God, and our family and friends, I renew my vows to you, pledging my eternal love for you. You are my soul mate – the other half of my heart that makes it whole. I love you Liz, and I promise I always will.” Max vowed, in front of the minister, and our family and friends.

I fought back the tears that were threatening to overspill, and tried to remember the vows that I had written.

“Max, once before I have stood before you and promised to love you for the rest of my days. Today, in front of our family and friends, I again take you to be my husband, and renew my vows to love you, comfort you, honour and keep you, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to you, as long as we both shall live. I love you Max, with all of my being, and I will never stop.” I vowed.

Even though it was our second time around, standing in front of Max and making that declaration couldn’t help but bring a tear to my eye at the overwhelming joy flooding my heart at the thought that Max was mine and that he loved me.

* * * * *

Tink, tink, tink. Michael tapped the side of his glass with a spoon as he rose from his chair. The room quietened as all eyes turned to him.

“It gives me great pleasure to say a few words on behalf of the not-so-newly married couple.” Michael began. “As you all know, the story of Max and Liz is nothing new, however as I didn’t get the chance to make the best man speech ten years ago, I’m going to make up for some lost time.” Michael said, grinning at Max, indicating that there would be a little payback for Max’s own speech at Michael’s wedding a few years earlier.

“I don’t think even Max and Liz could tell you the exact date when they first met, but it was shortly after Max moved to Roswell with his father when he was ten years old. While they didn’t mix with the same people through school, they became, well, closer, after Liz tutored Max in Biology.”

There were giggles from some of those in the room with dirtier minds than others.

“English.” Max glared at Michael with a smirk. “It was actually English.”

“Hey, this is my story.” Michael grinned, before returning to his notes.

“When school finished, Max and Liz went their separate ways, only to meet by chance on a train in Europe just over ten years ago.”

I remembered the day, as if it was yesterday…


(Flashback)

“This is not a pick up line or anything, but … have we met before?”

I groaned as I lost my train of thought, and looked up at the owner of the voice that had interrupted what was set to be the Pulitzer Prize-winning opening sentence for my second novel. Okay, maybe not, but it had been a pretty good train of thought.

The owner of the voice was immediately forgiven, and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that I would be happy if he interrupted me any day. Tall, dark, handsome, with the cutest crooked smile that I had seen since high school…

“Hi. I’m Max…” He put out his hand.

“… Evans.” I finished for him, taking his hand and firmly shaking it.

“Liz? Liz Parker?” Max asked, and my heart skipped a beat at the genuine happiness I could hear in his question, and by the fact that he remembered my name. It had been so long ago…

“Yeah. It’s been a long time.” I smiled shyly, wondering if he knew how much of a crush I had had on him in high school. He was the class president, and I was a studious bookworm, but I’d like to think that we were friends, despite the circles we moved in.

“Wow, I can’t believe I’m running into you like this. What are you doing here?” He asked, taking a seat opposite me.

Where was ‘here’? Well, it was currently in a first class cabin on a moving train between Austria and Germany.

“I’m doing research for my latest book.” I replied, indicating to my laptop and almost completely blank page. “I’ve only just started…”

“I read your first book.” Max said excitedly. “I really enjoyed it.”

“Really? Thanks.” I blushed, embarrassed. I wondered if he had recognised the similarities between himself, and the main love interest…

“So what’s this one about?” Max asked, making himself comfortable.

“I don’t like to give away too much… but it’s set in Germany during World War II.” I replied, before changing the subject. “So what about you? What brings you to this part of the world?”

“I’m a photographer.” Max replied, patting the large backpack that he had with him.

“Wow.” I replied. “Would I have seen any of your work?”

“Possibly. I can show you what I’ve been doing lately.” Max replied, jumping out of his seat and taking the one directly next to me. He then proceeded to pull his massive digital camera out of his bag and show me how to scroll through the photos on the LCD screen on the back of the camera.

“These are amazing…” I gushed, and then blushed, at the proximity of our faces from each other. “You’re very talented.”

“Thanks.” Max smiled.

“So this is what you’ve been doing since college?” I asked.

“I’ve had a few odd jobs here and there, but nothing really inspired me until I picked up my first camera. I then worked on my technique until I was good enough to actually make some money from it. I’ll never forget receiving my first paycheque – it was then I really believed that it was possible to get paid for doing something that I loved.” Max explained.

“And do you remember how you spent your first paycheque?” I asked.

“Well, it was only about $1.50 – about enough to buy me a bus ticket home.” Max grinned. “What about you? I know you always wanted to be a writer – how did you actually go about getting published?”

Once I had gotten over the shock that Max not only remembered me from high school, but that he remembered what my interests were, I explained to Max the years I went through trying to get my first novel published.

“And how did you spend your first royalty cheque?” Max asked in return to my question.

“I bought an apartment in Munich.” I smiled. “To use as a base for my next book.”

“Do you get home much? To see your folks?” Max asked.

“Not as often as I would like.” I replied, feeling a momentary pang of guilt.

(end flashback)


“What began as a chance meeting, turned into a whirlwind romance…” Michael continued.

Michael was right about the whirlwind part…


(Flashback)

About 2 hours into our 5 hour train trip, we had already covered all aspects of our professions, interests, and what we had been doing since we left school, and had not yet run out of things to say. If only it had been this easy to talk in high school. I guess that may have had something to do with the fact that we had seemed to be world’s apart back then. Now… now we didn’t seem that different.

“So, where are you staying in Munich?” I asked, blushing at the secret hope that I would have the opportunity to offer him the spare bed in my apartment.

“I’ll find something when I get there.” Max shrugged. “I usually don’t like to make plans, you know, in case an opportunity comes up.”

“An op-portunity?” I stuttered, suddenly wondering whether Max regularly found women on the train to chat up and take home. Maybe I didn’t know him so well after all.

“Yeah.” Max replied, indicating to his camera. “A lot of what I do has to do with being in the right place at the right time. So, I never know how long I’m going to need to stay in the one place, or whether I get a hot tip and need to make a detour.”

I visibly relaxed at his reply.

“What? What were you thinking?” Max eyed me curiously.

“N-nothing.” I blushed, turning to look out of the window.

“I don’t have dinner plans either.” Max added casually, although I could feel his eyes on me. “So… maybe you and I should have dinner together? I know I’ll be starving by the time the train pulls in to the station.”

“Dinner sounds great.” I replied, trying to sound just as casual. “And I know just the place.”

* * * * *

“Do you have to go?” I asked, propping my head up on my arm as I stretched out on the bed. Max was packing his bag ready to go.

“I’m going to the Love Parade.” Max replied, as though he was stating that he was going to the grocery store.

“You’re what?” I asked.

“The Love Parade, it’s a festival in Berlin.” Max explained.

“I know what it is, I just didn’t picture you for a techno fan.” I grinned at the mental image of Max on a float dancing.

“It’s a great photo opportunity.” Max replied.

“And where to after Berlin?” I asked, trying not to feel disappointed that he was leaving, but I couldn’t help it. After we got off the train in Munich, Max and I went to my favourite restaurant where the owner knew me by name and would always have the best table ready for me. We had continued to talk all night, until the restaurant was empty except for us. I eventually did offer Max the spare bed, which he accepted but never needed, as he stayed in mine.

Now, I may not have been with many men in my life, but I can honestly say that I had the most magical night of my life. I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and I surely couldn’t be blamed for not wanting it to end.

“That depends.” Max replied.

“On what?” I asked.

“On you.” Max stated. “I’d like to see you again.”

“You would?” I replied, trying not to sound so surprised.

“Of course. I don’t know how you feel, but I really think we could have something.” Max smiled shyly.

I blushed profusely until I recovered myself. “Well, I’ll be heading to Paris in a few days, and then back to Munich.” I replied.

“Paris sounds perfect.” Max smiled. “I’ll call you in a few days.”

“I’m looking forward to it already.” I replied, as Max bent down and kissed me gently on the lips, as though he was savouring the taste. I must confess that it made my heart stop momentarily.

“I’ll see you soon.” Max smiled, as he pulled away, grabbed his bag, and headed downstairs.

And then began the whirlwind.

Dates in Paris, London, Rome, Munich, we met often, and talked on the phone even more frequently. He became my last call of the night, the star of my dreams, and my muse.

(end flashback)


“… and the next time any of us saw them again, they were married.” Michael explained.


(Flashback)

“I think they should get married.” Max said, kissing me on the back of my neck as I stared at the computer screen – the only light that filled the room.

“Who?” I asked absentmindedly, thinking about the conclusion for my book. It was almost complete, and had been for some time, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. Partly because whatever ending I came up with, I wasn’t happy with, and partly, because I didn’t want it to end. Once the book was finished, I would have to go home, and I didn’t want any of this to end. I guess I just needed to be sure that Max and I could exist outside Europe.

“You’re characters.” Max replied, reading over my shoulder. “It just doesn’t seem like a happy ending without a marriage.”

“Perhaps.” I shrugged.

“You need a break.” Max suggested, closing the lid of my laptop and pulling me to my feet.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked, rubbing my eyes – having stared at the screen for too long.

“I was thinking about Fiji…” Max smiled.

“Fiji?” I confirmed.

“Yeah. My photos are starting to all look the same – white, white and more white. I need to get away from the snow to the crystal clear waters of the south pacific. Some sun on my skin wouldn’t hurt either – I’m starting to look albino.” Max joked. “Just think about it – you, me, the sun … a hammock. We can swim all day and make love all night…”

“I don’t know…” I replied nervously.

“What’s wrong? You don’t like the beach?” Max asked.

“No, of course I like the beach.” I replied, without much enthusiasm. What was wrong with me?

“Then what is it?” Max asked confused. “Is it me? You don’t want to go with me?”

“No, yes, I don’t know…” I replied, massage my temples and trying to think. I had been up all night staring at the last few pages of my novel, confused about how to finish the epic love story. I wasn’t feeling awake enough to have this conversation now.

“You don’t want to be with me?” Max asked incredulously.

“That’s not what I said.” I replied, frowning as I tried to remember what I said.

“It sure sounded like it.” Max replied, grabbing his duffel bag and starting to throw things into it.

“Max, wait, what are you doing?” I asked urgently.

“I’ve overstayed my welcome.” Max replied, not meeting my eye.

“What are you talking about? I want you here.” I replied, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“But you don’t want to go to Fiji with me?” Max clarified, still packing.

“I don’t want to go to Fiji with you.” I confirmed.

Max kept packing.

“Let me explain.” I begged, placing my hand on his to stop him from zipping up his bag and walking out.

“I don’t want to go to Fiji with you because I’m scared. I can’t finish my book because I’m scared.” I replied..

“Scared of what? Me?” Max asked, confused.

“No. I’m scared of losing you.” I admitted.

Max looked understandably confused.

“We’ve had the most wonderful six months together here in Europe, but this isn’t the real world – not for us.” I tried to explain.

“Neither is Fiji.” Max pointed out.

“But it’s halfway there.” I replied.

“I still don’t understand.” Max frowned.

“What if what we have is just a holiday fling?” I asked. “What if this doesn’t work when we are on our home soil?” I asked.

“Is that what you think? That this is just a fling?” Max asked surprised, as though the thought had not occurred to him.

“I don’t want it to be.” I conceded.

“But what do you feel?” Max asked, stepping closer to me until his forehead was touching mine, and his hand was stroking my shoulder.

I breathed deeply. “I feel that my life would crumble if you weren’t in it. I feel like you are the other half of my soul that I have been searching the world for.”

“Do you love me?” Max asked.

“Yes.” I replied without hesitation, even though neither of us had ever said it out loud before this moment. “I love you.”

Max smiled. “I love you too Liz Parker.”

“You do?” I smiled shyly.

“Of course.” Max smiled widely. “I have loved you for so long, I’ve just been waiting for the right moment to tell you. I love you – with all of my heart.”

I smiled, stepping into his welcoming embrace.

“So I ask you again, will you come to Fiji with me?” Max asked.

“Yes.” I replied nodding.

Max stepped back and dropped to his knee, pulling a jewellery box out of his pocket and popping it open to reveal a diamond ring.

“And will you marry me there?” Max asked.

“Oh Max…” I gushed.

“Is that a yes?” Max asked, waiting.

“Yes.” I nodded.

Max placed the ring on my finger, before scooping me up and spinning me around the room.

And so it was, that Max and I returned to Roswell a month later as man and wife. Oh, and I did give my book a happy-ever-after-wedding in the end.

(end flashback)


“While some of us may have been a little shocked by the speed of their union…” Michael glanced a look at my parents in particular, “…we can’t deny that theirs is a truly blessed life. As we saw today, ten years on, they still have as much love for each other as they did the day they were wed. While we may not get to see them as often as we would like, with both of them always flitting around the world, we shall always be glad to have the both of them in our lives. I’m sure you all know that it is impossible to be in the same room as Max and Liz without being inspired by the passion and honest joy that they share, and want to share that same excitement with the ones you love.” Michael smiled at Maria.

“So I could stand here and do my duty by telling you all of Max’s deep dark secrets… but I won’t.” Michael gave Max a look as if to imply that Max was now indebted to him forever. “Instead, I’ll ask you all to charge your glasses and join me in a toast…” Michael then turned to Max and I. “Max and Liz – may the next ten years of your life be filled with as much love and happiness as the previous ten years have brought both you and us, and may your house be filled with ten happy children. To Max and Liz!” Michael held up his glass.

I looked over to Max to give him a smile, which he returned, but not before I saw the momentary look of panic on his face.

If only I’d know that this was the catalyst for things to come.

[Oz]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'm glad you like my new offering. I know I'm having lots of fun writing something new.

Here's the next instalment...


2

“Having fun?” I asked Maria, collapsing into the vacant seat next to her. I didn’t realise wedding receptions could be so exhausting. Sure I had been to plenty of weddings, but never with the pressure of having to make sure I get around to see every guest – including my parents’ distant relatives that I haven’t seen since I was ten years old.

“Absolutely.” Maria smiled, raising her glass.

Noticing it was almost empty, I waved over a passing waiter to order us both another round.

“Just soda water for me thanks.” Maria interjected, after I had ordered us both a glass of champagne.

“C’mon, it’s my wedding day. How often am I going to get married?” I tried to change her mind.

Maria just raised her eyes at me.

“Okay, point taken. But you have to have a drink with me – we’re celebrating.” I tried again.

“Just soda water thanks.” Maria said directly to the waiter and ushered him away before I could say anything more.

“You’re not pregnant are you?” I blurted – the typical response to anyone of drinking age voluntarily choosing not to drink.

“Well, I didn’t want to say anything …” Maria blushed.

“What?! You’re pregnant!!” I exclaimed, which made Maria blush even more and look around the room to see how many eyes were on her. Luckily the music was too loud to hear more than the person next to you so no one had heard. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to wait until after your wedding day – I didn’t want you to feel as though I was taking any of the focus away from you.” Maria replied.

“Oh honey, you didn’t have to worry about that.” I replied, giving her a hug for her thoughtfulness. “Now you have to tell me everything. How far along are you?”

As Maria began to describe the ins and outs of the first twelve weeks of her pregnancy, I suddenly felt a twang in my stomach that resembled something resembling longing, or … jealousy? But that was crazy right? I have never wanted to have kids – quite happy with how it was – Max and I travelling the world with our work. You couldn’t do that with kids. And not to mention my huge lack of any motherly intuition. I’ve never babysat a child in my life, and wouldn’t have a clue what to do with one if I had to. Why on earth was I feeling as though something was suddenly missing in my life – like my biological clock had just started ticking … loudly … right in my ear.

I decided to put it down to the alcohol.

But two days later, as Max and I were sunnying ourselves on a beach in Fiji, celebrating our second honeymofon, I still hadn’t shaked the feeling.

“Max…” I began, still trying to formulate the following words in my head. “What would you say if I suggested that we cancelled our South American trip and went home for a while?”

“I’d say, ‘where on earth did that come from?’. You’re usually the one desperate to be anywhere but home.” Max replied.

“I know. It’s just, with Maria, Michael and the baby…” I began.

“The what?” Max asked surprised, and it was only then that I realised that in all the excitement of the wedding, and the honeymoon, that I had forgotten to mention it. I guess that meant Michael had too. Oops.

“Maria is pregnant.” I replied.

“Pregnant? Wow…” Max replied, seeming to mull over the news, so I continued.

“Yeah, and it got me thinking. I’d really like to be with her and help her through her pregnancy and having the baby.” I replied.

“I thought you hated kids?” Max pointed out.

“I don’t hate kids, I just, I haven’t had any experience with them.” I replied. “And besides, it’s Maria I want to be there for.”

“Well, then we’ll go home.” Max replied simply, as if I was asking him if he wanted to go to the movies or to the shops.

“Are you sure?” I confirmed. “I know how much you were looking forward to going back to Machu Pichu.”

“It’s been there for a few hundred years – I’m sure it will be there for a few more.” Max smiled. “Besides, it’ll be nice to be home. Dad’s getting on a bit now and I don’t like the fact that he’s in that house alone.”

“I didn’t realise you were feeling that way. Why didn’t you say something?” I asked, concerned that I had been preventing him from being home with his family, due to my irrational need to be on a perpetual holiday.

“I’ve just been thinking about it for the last couple of days. I guess it really hit home to me at the wedding just how much he’s aged in the last year or so. He just looked so tired.” Max replied.

“Okay. So we’ll go home for a while.” I nodded, hoping that this was going to be the right move for us. We have never spent very long in the same place – particularly surrounded by our family and friends.

* * * * *

Two weeks later, we were back in Roswell, staying with Max’s dad while we looked around for a place of our own. I was scouring the paper for available rentals, while Max and his dad were catching up over breakfast.

“You know you guys can stay here as long as you like.” Philip offered. “Don’t feel like you have to get a place straight away. You’ve only just landed – your feet have barely touched the ground…”

Max and I had talked about this. We made a deal that if we were going to do this, that we would do it properly, and have a place of our own that we could call home. Not to purchase of course – neither of us were ready for that kind of permanency, but rented month by month. I already had a short list of possible candidates that we would check out later in the day.

“We know Dad.” Max replied. “We just want our own space. Besides, you don’t need us hanging around cramping your style.”

“Humph. Maybe you being here would give me some style.” Philip replied. “I don’t think my style has changed since your mother died.”

You could here a pin drop as the deathly silence flooded the room. I looked up from the newspaper to watch the fallout.

“Max…” Philip pleaded, as Max put down his knife and fork and slid back in his chair, ready to make a quick exit. Which he did, leaving Philip pleading for him to come back.

“Nothings changed.” Philip sighed, “I thought after all these years he would let it go.”

“He never talks about her. Never.” I replied. “I’ve tried to talk to him about her but he clams up. He won’t even tell me how she died. I don’t know what to do.”

“Just be there for him when he’s ready to talk about it. That’s all we can do.” Philip replied, placing a hand on mine in encouragement.

“And what if he never is?” I asked. Can someone keep something like that bottled up forever? Max had been doing it quite well for the last twenty-odd years, but surely he had a limit.

“He will. One day.” Philip said confidently, before picking up Max’s plate and clearing the uneaten bacon and eggs into the bin. Max wouldn’t be back any time soon.

[Oz]

Hi everyone. Thanks for the great feedback. Here's the next instalment. Enjoy!


3

“I like what you’ve done with the place.” Maria looked around at Max and my new apartment in satisfaction.

“I just gave it a few homely touches, that’s all.” I replied, surveying my work.

Truth was, never having had a place to call ‘home’ for the past ten years or more, I pretty much just put in an online order with Ikea and had everything delivered. I think Max and I will be happy if we never see an Alan Key ever again.

And with the money I saved, I was able to splash out and buy a little something for Maria and the baby.

“For you.” I smiled, pulling out a large gift bag from behind the couch and handing it to Maria.

“What for?” Maria asked, looking dumbfounded.

“It’s for the baby really.” I smiled.

“You’re not supposed to give gifts until the baby shower.” Maria pointed out.

“I don’t care. I’m planning on showering you with gifts until the baby is born.” I said, giving Maria a hug, then leading her to the couch so she could sit down and look at her present.

I had spent hours trolling through Roswell’s only baby store. There were so many gorgeous things, practical things, and frankly some things that I really didn’t want to have to think about ever again (think nappy bins and breast pumps). The more time I spent in the store, the more I wondered whether I would ever have the joy of shopping there, not for Maria’s baby, but for mine.

Joy… not a concept I usually associated with babies. The emotions that usually sprang to mind were fear… anxiety … helplessness… Never joy.

“How gorgeous!” Maria exclaimed, pulling bits and pieces out of her bag. Booties, bibs, all-in-one suits, wraps…

“I hope you like yellow and green. I wanted to stay clear of blue and pink.” I explained.

“They’re perfect. Thankyou.” Maria smiled, giving me a hug.

“You’re welcome.” I replied.

“So what about you? Now that you’re finally settled, do you think you and Max will have kids?” Maria asked.

“Oh… I don’t know. We hadn’t really planned to…” I stammered.

“You don’t want kids?” Maria asked.

“I’m not sure.” I replied, sounding as confused as I felt. “I didn’t think so, but now… I’m not so sure.”

“What about Max?” Maria asked.

“I don’t think he does. At least, he’s never said as much.”

“It’s probably something you should discuss.” Maria suggested.

“Maybe.” I nodded absently. We probably should have that conversation – in fact we probably should have had it ten years ago, but I would have wanted something completely different then. I didn’t even know what I wanted now.

We were interrupted by the arrival of Max and Michael carrying bags of Chinese take-out.

“Please tell me you got me the Mongolian Beef…” Maria said, diving at the containers that Michael was laying out on the kitchen table.

Michael stopped in his tracks – panic washing over his face.

“You said you wanted the Chicken & Cashew Nut…” He replied.

“That was half an hour ago. Now the baby wants red meat and the thought of chicken makes me want to puke.” Maria replied slapping her hand over her mouth and making a bee-line to the toilet.

“Is it always like this?” Max asked watching Maria go.

“Yep.” Michael replied, rolling his eyes. “I think I’d better go and check on Maria – hold her hair back or something.”

“Thank goodness we’ll never have to worry about morning sickness.” Max turned to me once Michael had gone.

Well I guess that answered the question about how he felt about kids.

“Never?” I couldn’t help but ask. “You don’t think you’ll ever want kids?”

Max looked at me in shock like he had seen a ghost.

“You – you want kids?” Max asked incredulously.

“I don’t know… maybe. I don’t want to just rule it out as not even a possibility.” I replied, wondering why a lump was forming in my throat.

“I see.” Was all Max replied. With a tone that made me feel like I was in trouble somehow.

“Sorry.” Maria said coming back into the kitchen, looking a little green but otherwise okay.

“Here.” Max said, handing Maria a container of Chinese. “It’s Beef and Black Bean – I hope that’s close enough.”

“You are a lifesaver.” Maria replied, grabbing some with her chopsticks and devouring it with one swift movement.

“Hmmm…” Maria moaned – the beef obviously hitting the spot.

“Liz?” Max said, offering me some as well.

“Thanks.” I replied softly.

Max looked at me with concern and I didn’t blame him. I was acting weird, I knew that, but I felt like my heart had been stomped on.

Max didn’t want kids. And apparently… I did?

* * * * *

Later that night as we were lying in bed, I couldn’t sleep. Staring at the ceiling all I could think about was – not all the wonderful things I had in my life, but what I would be without.

“Liz?” Max said, startling me – I thought he was asleep.

“Yeah.” I replied.

“You’re upset.” Max observed.

“No I’m not.” I lied.

“You’re grinding your teeth.” Max pointed out.

“I must have drunk too much coffee too late at night.” I lied some more.

I wasn’t usually one to avoid confrontation, but this time was different. I felt like I had already lost the argument.

“About what we were talking about before…” Max began.

It seems that Max didn’t share my inclination to let the topic drop.

“It’s okay Max.” I cut him off before he began. “It’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it now.”

“I don’t want anything to come between us. If you want to have kids, we should probably talk about it before…”

“Before what?” I snapped. “Before it’s too late and I get pregnant with a baby you don’t want?”

“That’s not what I was going to say, but yes, I’d say we should have talked about it long before then.” Max replied. “I was actually going to say … before you get you’re heart set on the idea.”

“You really don’t want a baby do you?” I replied incredulously. “How could you be so against the idea and I’ve never known?”

“Since when have you wanted to have a baby? You’ve never mentioned it.” Max pointed out.

“I guess I haven’t been ready before.”

“But you’re suddenly ready now?” Max asked.

“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I replied confused. “I don’t know what I want, but I guess seeing Maria has made me start to think.”

“Is it just that you want what Maria has, or do you actually want to be a mother?” Max asked.

“Why is wanting what Maria has such a bad thing? Have you seen how happy she is?” I asked in return.

“Now – but what happens when the baby comes? Will she be happy then? Will she be…” But he didn’t finish what he was going to say.

“Of course she’ll be happy.” I replied.

“What about Michael? You think he wants this for her?” Max asked.

“Of course he does. Did you see the way he doted on her all night?” I pointed out.

“Maybe he’s enjoying the time he has left with her.” Max replied.

“What do you mean ‘the time he has left’?” I asked. “The baby isn’t going to completely take over their lives.”

“When there is a baby, everything changes.” Max replied, going red in the face and trying to control his breathing.

“Max? Are you okay?” I asked, seeing his hands start to shake.

“I’m fine.” Max replied, getting out of bed and heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch.” Max replied, closing the door behind him.

“Happy housewarming.” I whispered to myself as I curled my legs up into the foetal position. This was turning out to be a great start to our new life together.

[Oz]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Sorry it has been such a long time coming for the update.

Alien_Friend - what a coincidence you're just in time for an update!

4

I woke to the unmistakable sound of our apartment door closing. I lay in bed listening for any sounds coming from the other room. Everything was silent, so Max must have been leaving, rather than coming home. He often went out for an early morning sunrise shoot, and was back before I had woken up. Looking over to the empty side of the bed, which hadn’t been slept in, I was already missing his presence so much that it felt like a chasm opening up in my chest.

I crept out of bed and found the lounge room empty – confirming my suspicions. A blanket had been neatly folded and was resting on the arm of the sofa. An empty cup of coffee sat in the kitchen sink, and Max’s camera bag was missing. He’d obviously intended on avoiding me this morning. I didn’t blame him. What I had said, about wanting a baby must have come so far out of left field that his head was spinning. Mine was too. It wasn’t as though I had asked for any of this.

Taking a hot shower I relaxed in the steady stream of hot water, hoping that somehow the water and soap would wash away everything that had happened in the past 24 hours. With resignation, I turned off the taps and stepped out of the shower – the horrible empty feeling was still there. I felt empty because it seemed to me that I had the choice to be without Max, or go without being a mother. Both scenarios made me feel incomplete. The one thing that I knew at this moment, was that if I had to make that choice, I would choose Max. I couldn’t imagine living without him.

I flicked on the computer and opened up an empty document. I had yet to start my next novel and I was struggling. Normally before my last book is even finished, my head is already buzzing with an idea for my next book that I just can’t wait to get down on paper. Now, I’ve got nothing. I’ve blamed it on the planning for the vowel renewal ceremony, the second honeymoon, the move back to Roswell, and moving in to our new place – but the truth is, I’ve been making excuses. My head is blank. I don’t even have an ounce of an idea.

That’s not true. My mind has a million thoughts, but all about having a baby - nothing that I can put down on paper. Or can I?

I closed down my word processor and opened my internet explorer, smiling at the latest graphic that had replaced the familiar ‘Google’ – the Leprechaun and four-leaf clover reminding me that today was obviously St Patrick’s Day. In the search field I typed in ‘baby’, but then added ‘getting pregnant’ to be more specific. I hit search and waited approximately 0.18 seconds for the results.

Scrolling through the first of 15,700,000 entries, I found myself clicking on sites that I would have never thought of visiting in my life. Sites with tricks and techniques for increasing your fertility, calculating the correct time of the month, and positions to try to increase your chances of getting pregnant.

But that’s not what I needed to know. I wanted to know how to deal with the disappointment of not having a husband who was supportive of the idea, the disappointment of perhaps never having a baby, the disappointment of knowing that you were married to someone that you suddenly realised you didn’t know as well as you thought you did.

I cleared my search, and this time typed in ‘pregnancy partner not supportive’ and waited. The list of sites it returned was daunting. Was it really this common? Clicking on one of the sites, I read a few articles, but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed to talk to someone. Then one little word in the top right hand corner of the screen drew my attention. That word? ‘Forum’.

Clicking on the tab, I was directed to pages and pages of discussions going on around every aspect of pregnancy, birth, babies and toddlers. I dove deeper and was soon scrawling through the pages relating to ‘getting pregnant’. I was enthralled with how much these complete strangers were sharing with each other about their journeys to becoming pregnant and their excitement at the prospect. It brought a tear to my eye that these women had the luxury of excitement, rather than despair.

As soon as I decided that I was doing myself no good by reading these posts, my eyes caught the subject of the most recent post – it read ‘Help – I think I’m going to lose her’. I could only imagine that this mystery poster was talking about complications with their unborn baby, and it was almost with some sort of voyeurism that I opened the thread. To my surprise I found myself reading something completely different from what I expected. The post read…

‘Hi All,

I’m hoping someone here can give me some advice. My girlfriend has just announced that she wants to have a baby with me. I love her and I would do anything to make her happy – anything except this. For reasons of my own, I’ve never wanted to have children, and it’s something that’s non-negotiable. How can I make her understand how I feel without pushing her away? I’m afraid that I’ll lose her no matter what I do.

Please help.

Samuel (from Seattle)’

I stared at the screen for a long time. It made me think of Max and what his reasons may be for being so adamantly against the idea of having kids. Obviously there were other men like him out there who felt exactly the same way as he did.

If only he would open up to me about what those reasons were.

I refreshed the screen and saw that replies were already flooding in. Some were helpful, telling him to hang in there and it would all work out. Others were not so helpful, telling him to get over himself and give his girlfriend what she wants if he wants to keep her. None of them told him what he really needed to hear – that he should tell his girlfriend the truth, and if they loved each other enough, they could work through it. Without giving it a second thought, I found the login page and registered my details to give me more than ‘guest’ status on the forum. When it asked for my name and location I hesitated – there were only so many Liz’s in Roswell, and I wasn’t yet willing for the world to know that I was wanting to have a baby. Instead, I chose the name Lily, after the heroine in my first novel, and made my location Florida.

I logged back into Samuel’s thread and posted my own message:

‘Hi Samuel,

I’m sorry to hear of your dilemma. I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, but I can at least give you an idea of what your girlfriend might be thinking. You see, I’ve recently discovered that when that biological clock ticks – it ticks right in your ear – very, very loudly ;0)

I didn’t think I ever wanted kids either, until recently, and now it is all I can think about. But my partner, he doesn’t, and we’ve fought about it. I just wish I could understand what he’s really thinking, and I wish I could make him see that I’m not doing this to hurt him. It’s not something that I can control.

So my advice to you is to tell your girlfriend the truth. Let her know why you can’t give her what she wants, and at least if she understands, you can move forward from there.

Lily (from Florida)’

Satisfied with myself, I closed down the website and reopened a blank word processing document. I had an idea for my next book.

The ideas started flowing from my head and through my fingers onto the page. A woman, desperate to have a baby, and her husband, dealing with his own demons. But what were they?

I slammed my laptop shut. How was I supposed to write a story like this when I can’t get inside the husband’s head and understand his point of view? I think I needed to go for a walk and clear my head.

Later that afternoon, I was sitting at my laptop. Staring at the ideas that I had started jotting down, I knew that I needed to do more research. The books I wrote were usually based overseas, and would spend months immersed in the culture, researching the places and the people before I put anything down on paper. Now that I was back, if I was going to do this properly, I was going to need to do the same. It looks like these forums were going to become my friend for the next few months.

At that moment I heard the key in the door. I shut my laptop and spun around in time to watch a massive bunch of flowers come through the door, followed closely by Max.

“Hey.” Max said shyly, before holding out the flowers. “These are for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” I replied, taking them and smelling their beautiful perfume.

“I wanted to.” Max replied.

“They’re beautiful.” I acknowledged, determined to show my gratitude, no matter how little I felt like I deserved them.

“Max I…” Liz I…” We both said at once.

“Sorry, you go first.” I offered, wanting to take the chance of hearing what he had to say while I formulated some coherent sentences.

“I just wanted to say sorry for last night. I shouldn’t have walked out like I did. It wasn’t fair.” Max apologised. “I don’t ever want to go to sleep without resolving things again.”

“Me neither.” I agreed.

“So… we should probably talk about this some more.” Max suggested.

“Perhaps if you could tell me why you’re so against the idea of having children…” I suggested.

“I… well…” Max began, only to be interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing.

I cursed the timing of the caller. I was sure Max was going to tell me the truth.

“Hello?” I answered the phone.

“Liz. It’s Michael. You need to get to the hospital. It’s Maria and the baby.” Michael blurted.

[Oz]

Hi all. I can't believe it's been almost a month. I'm very sorry for keeping you waiting. Life is getting in the way. I've also just signed up for more study so the updates may get even further apart. I'll do my best to get this fic finished as soon as I can! Thanks for being patient.


5

“We have to go to the hospital.” I announced to Max, quickly grabbing my coat, keys and handbag.

“What’s wrong?” Max asked, the concern evident on his face.

“It’s Maria. Something’s wrong with the baby.” I replied with my hand on the door.

“Maybe I should stay here.” Max backed up. “She doesn’t need overcrowding. We don’t even know what is wrong...”

“Michael called me because Maria needs me, and, well, I need you.” I replied.

Max nodded and grabbed his coat, following me out the door.

* * * * *

At the hospital, we found Maria and Michael in the emergency department.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, immediately running to Maria’s side and grabbing her hand. Max stood at little further away at the end of the bed.

“I had a bit of pain in my abdomen.” Maria shrugged.

“She collapsed on the floor bent over in so much pain that she couldn’t move.” Michael filled in the blanks.

“What did the doctors say?” I asked.

“They’re still running tests, but they mentioned something about placenta prevy or something.”

“Previa. Placenta Previa.” A small voice came from the end of the bed. It was Max’s.

“Yeah, that’s it.” Maria agreed.

“And what does that mean?” I asked Maria, and glanced at Max, wondering where he had heard of the condition before.

“I think it means a lot of lying around watching bad soapies while Michael waits on my every whim.” Maria joked.

I looked over to Max for his thoughts, but he was no longer standing at the end of the bed. In fact, I couldn’t see him anywhere in the emergency department.

“Maria Deluca?” A doctor approached. “I have your test results.”

“I’ll just give you a minute.” I offered Maria, indicating that I would step out into the hallway. What I really wanted to do was to check on Max.

“No. You’re my family too. I want you here.” Maria said, grasping my hand, while Michael held the other.

I nodded, and remained where I was, peering over my shoulder to see if Max had reappeared yet. He hadn’t, and I felt a sudden burst of anger that he was taking my attention away from Maria - where it should be.

“Maria, the tests confirm that you do indeed have Placenta Previa.” The doctor explained. “I would recommend making an appointment to see an obstetrician who can explain to you the implications of your condition and to discuss your options with you.”

“What do you mean ‘options’” Maria asked.

“Whether you wish to go ahead with the pregnancy or not.” The doctor replied matter-of-factly.

“You’re telling me I should terminate the pregnancy?” Maria baulked.

“No. I’m not telling you what you should do. I just think you need to weigh it up against the possible complications.” The doctor replied.

“Complications? What kind of complications?” Maria asked, her face suddenly white.

“The baby may be born prematurely and in distress, there is a risk that you will suffer a severe haemorrhage and there is a possibility you may never be able to have another child.” The doctor explained.

“Wait.” Michael interrupted. “When you say ‘severe haemorrhage’… how severe are we talking?”

“There is a chance that Maria could die, yes.” The doctor answered.

I clung to Maria’s hand tighter, and tried to breathe. There was a chance we could lose not only the baby, but Maria? I couldn’t even comprehend it.

“Look, it’s a lot to take in. I’m sure that you have a lot to think about. There’s no reason that you can’t go home tonight, but if you would prefer I could admit you so that you can get some rest.” The doctor offered.

“No… no, I’d rather go home.” Maria replied.

“Fine. Just make sure you get lots of rest – the more you rest the more likely it will be that you’ll be able to carry this baby to term without complication. I’ll get your discharge papers and organise a wheelchair to take you out to your car.” The doctor said, heading back to the nurses station to fill out the paperwork.

“I’ll go and get the car.” Michael said, giving Maria a lingering kiss on the forehead.

“Can you keep an eye out for Max?” I asked Michael on his way out, before returning my attention back to Maria. “Are you okay Maria?” I asked concerned. My head was spinning so much that I couldn’t even imagine how she was feeling.

“I’m fine.” Maria replied. I raised my eyebrow. “I’m fine, really.”

“It’s okay to be scared.” I offered.

“I know, but I’m determined not to worry about what I have no control over. I’ll do whatever the doctors tell me to, and we’ll all get out of this okay.” Maria replied, gently stroking her belly.

I wondered whether I could be the same in her position. To be told that by giving someone else life, you could die yourself? How does someone make that kind of decision?

The nurse brought over the wheelchair, and helped Maria off the bed and into the chair. I wheeled Maria out of the emergency department to the carpark, half expecting to see Max around any corner, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t with Michael either who was waiting with the car.

I gave Michael a glance, but he just shrugged. I looked over to where we had left our own car, and it was gone. Max had left the hospital without saying a word. Taking out my cell phone, I dialled Max’s number.

“Hey, you’ve reached Max Evans. I can’t take your call right now but if you leave you’re name and number I’ll get back to you.” Max’s voicemail answered.

“Max, hey, it’s me. We’re just leaving the hospital but you’ve disappeared. I’ll get a ride with Maria and Michael. Can you give me a call when you get this and let me know where you are?” I left a message, trying to suppress the panic that was welling up in me.

Or was it anger? What kind of person just walks out and leaves without saying anything? Leaves their wife in a hospital where her best friend is hearing the most devastating news?

* * * * *

For the rest of the night I swung from worry to anger and back to worry again. Where was Max and why hadn’t he called me back? I looked at the clock on the microwave as I paced – it was 3am and still no sign of him.

I stared at the flowers on the table that I had placed in a vase earlier in the evening – at a time I was feeling more worried than angry. Now I was angry. I picked up the flowers and shoved them one by one down the garbage disposal unit.

When the last flower was sacrificed, I turned off the garbage disposal unit to hear a light tapping coming from the apartment door. Rushing to the door I pulled it open to find Max sprawled out on the floor. I think it was Max – it looked just like him but this person and a very weird green tinge to his hair.

“Liizzzz.” Max drawled. “Happy Sain Pat-rick’s daaay.”

“You’re drunk?!” I asked incredulously.

“Nah, I jus ad a few drinks… I’s completely sober.” Max replied, suddenly staring at his hand like he had suddenly grown a new limb.

“Give me one good reason why I should let you inside in this condition.” I demanded. In our ten years of marriage he had never come home to me drunk – well, not unless I was with him.

“Cause you love me?” Max grinned.

He had a point.

“Okay… come in, but you’re sleeping on the couch again.” I replied, helping him stumble into our apartment.

We got to the couch, which Max landed on with a thump, and before I had a chance to cover him up with the rug, he was already asleep.

I watched him for a moment and wondered what on earth had been going through his head for him to get this drunk. Hadn’t he realised that I had needed him tonight? I was going out of my mind with worry for Maria and the baby but I had no one to talk to. Max was supposed to be there for me in times like these. For better or worse.

Yawning, I headed to our bedroom wondering if there would come a time that we would share the bed rather than me going there alone.

* * * * *

In the morning, for the second day in a row, there was silence coming from the other room. As I opened the door, I saw that it was not because Max had already left for the day, but it was because he was still passed out on the sofa.

Even after I had showered and dressed, I found him in exactly the same position – except for a little more drool on the pillow. I had the choice of doing one of two things. I could creep around the house in an effort not to wake him, or I could get some payback for what he had put me through the night before.

Walking into the kitchen I went straight to the saucepan drawer, banging the pots and pans together as though I was struggling to find the one I wanted, when in fact it was sitting right on top. I opened and shut the fridge door more times than really necessary, and I boiled the kettle which was notorious for sounding like an F16 was taking off right in our kitchen.

“Please… no more!” Max begged, pulling a pillow over his ears.

“Oh, I’m sorry was I being too loud?” I asked innocently.

“Hmmmppphhh…” Was all I heard from under the pillow.

I debated whether I should open up on the onslaught of questions I wanted to ask him about what was going on in his head, but I doubted whether I would get any coherent answers from him at this point. So I instead grabbed my Ipod and cap and headed for the door. I needed some fresh air.

* * * * *

As I jogged around the park, I tried to calm down my thoughts. The most predominant thought in my head was that Max and I should never have come home. For ten years the two of us worked so well together – the perfect team. We knew what the other person was thinking, we could finish each other’s sentences, and we never had a fight. Now… now we were becoming unglued. Where had we gone wrong?

Maybe we were just catching up. Ten years of perfection couldn’t last, and I guess some would say that it could only be really truly appreciated after it was gone. Maybe we needed to go through some hard times to come closer together? That’s if we could recover from this…

I couldn’t help but think that it was all my fault – me and this unbidden desire to have a baby. And for what? Now, after seeing what Maria and Michael were now going through, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted any more. To be told that your life could end in less than 9 months and still be willing to go ahead with having the baby? Giving your life for someone you haven’t even met yet? I don’t think I could be that selfless. And if I couldn’t be that selfless, then was I really cut out to be a mother? Maybe me wanting to have a baby was a selfish decision to begin with? Who was I to force myself on an innocent child?

And all I wanted was to be able to talk to Max about all of this. Max, my MIA husband who had apparently drunk his weight in alcohol. Max, the husband that I suddenly didn’t recognise anymore. But was it Max that had really changed that much, or had I?

I stopped jogging and did some stretches while breathing the air back into my lungs. I was stuffed, but I wasn’t ready to go home yet.

I was close to Max’s fathers house so I decided to pay him a visit. Unconsciously I guess I wanted to talk to someone who knew Max as well as I did.

“Liz? Hi.” Max’s father greeted me in surprise when he saw that I was alone. I guess that was fair enough – this was the first time I had ever dropped in on him on my own. Other than seeing him on Skype or talking on the phone while overseas, we had met less than a dozen time since I met Max.

“Hi Philip.” I smiled. “I was just in the neighbourhood and thought I’d pop in.”

“We’ll I’m glad you did. I just boiled the kettle – would you like a cuppa?” Philip offered.

“I’d love one.” I smiled, stepping inside.

“So, where is that son of mine?” Philip asked once I was inside and he was making the coffees.

“Nursing a hangover.” I replied, unable to disguise my annoyance.

“Uh oh. What happened?” Philip asked.

I went into a long winded detail as to what had been happening, including my sudden desire to have a baby, Max’s opposition and what was going on with Maria and the baby. It was then that I noticed that Philip began to look awkward.

“What?” I asked.

“You need to talk to Max about all of this.” Philip said, getting up and placing his empty cup on the kitchen sink.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to burden you with all of that.” I apologised.

“It’s fine Liz, I’m glad you did. I just think that you and Max can get through this so much more easily if you open up to each other and tell some home truths.”

“I would if Max was around when I needed him.” I mumbled.

“Be patient. It’s difficult for him to talk about … all this.” Philip replied hesitantly.

“What do you mean? Why?” I asked, confused by his response.

“I guess it’s because of his upbringing. It’s my fault - I wasn’t always the most communicative about feelings and those types of things. If he had a mother, things might be different.”

“How old was Max when she died?” I asked.

“Not very old.” Philip replied vaguely, and the tears beginning to well up in his eyes told me that he wanted the subject dropped.

* * * * *

As I left Philip’s house, I still wasn’t ready to go home, so I picked up my pace into a jog and headed for Maria’s house.

When I arrived, I didn’t bother ringing the bell, but let myself in and called out to Maria that it was just me. I found her laid up in bed where Michael had forbidden her to move from.

“How are you?” I asked, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Bored. So very, very bored.” Maria replied.

“It’s only 11am. You haven’t been home alone that long.” I replied, rolling my eyes.

“But it’s the prospect of doing this every day for the next six months!” Maria replied. “How am I going to do this?”

“What happened to ‘I’ll do whatever the doctors tell me to, and we’ll all get out of this okay’?” I asked, repeated Maria’s words from the night before.

“That was before the reality set in about what that entailed. Michael has left me with a pile of DVD’s that stack up to the same height as me. He’s left me my cell, the home phone, the remote, a list of restaurants that deliver, a bunch of books and magazines…”

“Sounds like heaven. Chick flicks and chocolate? How can you be complaining about that?”

“No shopping. No going out with friends. I can’t even walk around the block!” Maria moaned.

“But think about the baby. The beautiful precious baby that you’ll be giving the best chance at life.” I argued, although half of me wondered whether I should be encouraging Maria when it meant she could lose her own life. I guess it was the motherly feelings finally coming out of me.

“I know you’re right, you are so right. I’m just going to have a few of these meltdowns over the next six months. But I’ll get over them.”

“And I’ll be here to help you get over them.” I replied.

“Promise you’ll come and visit me everyday so I don’t go stir-crazy.” Maria asked me to promise.

“I’ll do better than that.” I smiled. “I’ll spend everyday with you. If you’re stuck inside, then so am I.”

“What about your work?” Maria asked.

“My work is portable. Give me my laptop and an internet connection, and I’ll be set. I’ll work here during the day while Michael’s at work, so that you’re not alone.” I promised.

“What about Max? Do you think he will be okay with this?” Maria asked hesitantly.

“He’s not my priority at the moment – you are.” I replied, and felt horrible at the thought that for the first time since we were married, I wasn’t prepared to put Max first. Things might have been different if he wasn’t currently hungover and asleep on the couch. “He’ll survive without me.”

“Okay, as long as you’re sure this won’t cause any problems between the two of you.” Maria said.

“He’s causing enough of them on his own without your help.” I replied.

“Uh-oh.” Maria groaned, and then pulled out a block of chocolate from the pile Michael had left and ushered for me to take a place next to her on the bed. “Tell me all about it.”

So I did.

[Oz]

Hi All,

Thought I'd get a few chapters in before my life got too crazy! I hope you enjoy this part - I had fun writing it.

chanks_girl- your guess was close, but sorry, not prize for you today. I hope you enjoy this version anyway.

Enjoy!

6

So after pouring my heart out to Maria, I decided it was time to go home and check on Max – under the alibi of grabbing my laptop so that I could work back at Maria’s house and keep her company.

On my way back to the apartment, I wondered what I would find when I got there. Would Max be there? Would he be ready to talk? Would he even be conscious?

Opening the apartment door, I found the sofa vacated and the sound of the shower running. I looked at the clock – it was almost lunchtime. Well, at least he’s out of bed before the end of the morning.

I walked into the bedroom and grabbed my laptop which was next to my bed, and slid it into my satchel. Rolling up the power cord I heard the water turn off and the shower door open. A lump formed in my throat – I could feel an inevitable confrontation looming. I could run, Max didn’t even have to know that I’d been here, but that was cowardly. I wanted to talk - it needed to be done, and despite the trepidation, I knew the sooner the better.

“Liz? You’re home.” Max said surprised as he walked into the bedroom – his hair still wet and only a towel wrapped around his waist. Usually it would have brought a smile to my face – I always told him that I never found him sexier than when he first stepped out of the shower. But today, it didn’t have the same effect.

“I’m just blowing through to grab my laptop. I was going to work out of the house today.” I replied.

“So, you’ve started writing your next novel.” Max smiled. “That’s great.”

“Yeah, well, it’s still in its early stages.” I replied. Why were we talking about my novel? It wasn’t important to compared to – well, compared to our entire existence.

“Max.” “Liz” we both said at once.

“Sorry, you go first.” I offered.

“I just wanted to say I was sorry – for bailing on you last night. I just…” Max didn’t finish.

“You just what?” I asked impatiently. “I needed you. Maria and Michael needed you.”

“I know.” Max admitted.

“But apparently you needed a drink… Or ten.” I bit.

“I’m sorry. I just… I couldn’t deal with it.” Max tried to explain.

“So you took the easy way out. Did it ever occur to you that I was struggling in there too? Maria could die. My best friend could die! Do you even understand that?” I began to tear up.

“Of course. But I wouldn’t have been any use to you by staying.” Max replied cryptically.

“What does that mean?” I asked exasperated. We were supposed to be talking it through, but Max was talking without explaining anything. “Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on in your head?”

“I’m trying.” Max replied.

“Then just say it. Tell me what’s going on. Tell me why I shouldn’t feel completely abandoned and alone here.” I begged.

“I…” Max began but stopped. Was it just my imagination of did he look… scared?

“What is it?” I asked, this time more softly. There was something seriously going on with Max – more than him just needing a night on the town to kick back.

“I’ve never talked about this to anyone…” Max stalled.

“I’m not just anyone – I’m your wife. You should be able to tell me anything.” I pointed out.

“That’s why I am finding this so hard. How do you tell the one person in the world that is your life that you’re not, and can never be, the person they need you to be?” Max replied cryptically again.

“You just do it. And let the chips fall where they may.” I stated. “I promised you I would be there for better or worse.”

“What if its for worse? Can you really stand by me?” Max asked.

“Of course.” I gulped – preparing myself to finally hear the truth.

“I’m not sure I can take that chance.” Max hung his head. “I can’t lose you.”

“Well then you’d better try something new, because that’s what’s going to happen if you can’t trust me. If you can’t trust me then you can’t love me as much as I thought you did.” I replied, grabbing my laptop and running from the room with tears streaming down my face.

* * * * *

I was still crying when I returned to Maria’s house.

“What’s wrong Chica?” Maria asked, her arms outstretched – into which I sank. “I take it things didn’t go to well with Max.”

“He doesn’t trust me enough to tell me what’s going on. What could be so bad that he can’t tell me?”

“I don’t know Hon.” Maria sympathised, rubbing my back. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” I sobbed.


* * * * *

Later that afternoon, I sat in front of my laptop – at a complete loss as to what to write. I had a multitude of inspiration for my book, but all I could see was Max’s face before me. I tried to place the emotion that his features betrayed. At the time I had noticed the fear and hesitation, but now that I looked back on our conversation, I also felt a sense of overwhelming guilt. But what did Max have to be guilty about, other than letting me down when I needed him? It was more than that, and I had no idea what.

For some reason my thoughts changed to Samuel – I don’t know why. I guess it was his fear of losing his girlfriend – apparently the same fear Max held for his wife. I wondered how Samuel was going with his own problems, so I logged onto the pregnancy website and searched for his forum topic. There were a few more comments from other users, but Samuel hadn’t been back with any updates. I hesitated for a moment, before clicking the reply button.

“Hi Samuel,

I just wanted to check on you and see how you were doing since you first posted. I hope all is well, and you’ve taken some of our advice and talked to your girlfriend. Please check in sometime and give us an update to let us know that you’re ok.

Regards,

Lily”

I sighed as I clicked the submit button, and then sat back and stared at the computer. If only things were easier and I could be over in the other threads where people were happily married and excited about having a baby. Instead of sympathising with someone who was feeling as lost and alone as I was feeling.

I was about the exit the site when a pop-up window appeared on my screen. It seemed I had received a private message. Opening the link to my mailbox, I found a message from Samuel.

“Hi Lily,

Thanks for your message. I’ve been MIA for the last few days as my life has quickly gone downhill. If you’re still there, I’d love to talk. I’ll wait in the chatroom for the next five minutes just in case.

Samuel.”

I debated for a minute and wondered whether this was a good idea. It was one thing to send some stranger a message to check up on him – it was a completely different thing to be involved in a live chat. I checked my watch – I only had a minute or so left to make up my mind and he would be gone.

Without giving it anymore thought, I entered the chatroom.

Samuel: Hi Lily. Thanks for coming.
Lily: No problem. How are you doing? You mentioned things had gone downhill?
Samuel: You can say that again. I feel like my world is falling apart and when I try to fix things, I just seem to make things worse.
Lily: Did you speak to your girlfriend about how you feel about having a baby?
Samuel: I tried, honestly, I just couldn’t.
Lily: Why not? What are you afraid of?
Samuel: I’m afraid she’ll hate me. Even if she doesn’t immediately, she’ll come to in time when I can’t give her what she wants.
Lily: Why do you think that?
Samuel: Because I hate myself. Why wouldn’t she?
Lily: If she understood everything then how could she? I don’t know what kind of history you have together, but if she’s your girlfriend then chances are she loves you. And when you love someone it takes a lot to make you stop. Samuel: It all sounds good … in theory.
Lily: Maybe you should try putting it into practice? What have you got to lose?
Samuel: Her.
Lily: If you keep things from her and you are tearing yourself inside, then do you think you could lose her anyway?
Samuel: I see your point. But how do I tell her?
Lily: Just open your lips and let it all spill out. Don’t stop until everything is said and there are no more secrets.
Samuel: You make it sound easy.
Lily: It is.
Samuel: I admire your confidence.
Lily: It’s not confidence – it’s a naïve hope that good things still happen to good people.
Samuel: That’s a good attitude to have – I wish I could see the world that way. I sometimes think that meeting my girlfriend was the only good thing that has ever happened to me. It’s not surprising that I’m managing to screw that up too.
Lily: You have to believe more in your own self-worth.
Samuel: I try. But it’s hard when your life begins with such an auspicious start as mine.
Lily: What do you mean?
Samuel: Nevermind. I need to have that conversation with someone else first.
Lily: Will you come back and tell me how it goes?
Samuel: I’ll be back – even if it is only to cry on your shoulder.
Lily: I don’t think you’ll be crying – unless they’re tears of joy. I think everything will turn out for you. I have a good feeling.
Samuel: I hope you’re right. I’d better go now and take care of a few things.
Lily: You’re going to tell her now?
Samuel: After I save a life.
Lily: You’ll tell me what you mean by that one day won’t you?
Samuel: I promise. Bye Lily. Thanks.
Lily: Bye Samuel. Good luck.

“Who have you been chatting with?” Maria asked, looking over my shoulder from where she was lying on the bed. Actually, from that distance it was more like squinting in an attempt to make out the words on the screen.

“Who says I was chatting with someone?” I asked, closing the lid of my laptop.

“Because of the smile that grew on your face while you typed.” Maria smirked.

“I was just writing my novel – I was smiling because I was happy with how it was going.” I lied.

“Can I read what you’ve done?” Maria asked.

“No.” I quickly replied, before adding “I don’t like people reading my stories before they are finished.”

“Of course.” Maria replied in understanding, but then gave me a smirk to let me know that I was a terrible liar.

“I’m going to let you smirk away while I go and get us something to eat from the kitchen. Try not to over-exert yourself with your self-satisfaction.” I blushed at having being caught in a lie.

“Ooo – strawberry milk and potato chips please.” Maria put in her order.

“I’ll see what I can do.” I promised, heading out of the door.

While I was busy in the kitchen boiling the kettle for the cup of coffee that I really really needed, I was sure I heard the front door open and close and someone head upstairs. I looked at my watch – it was only ½ past three. Michael must be home early from work. That was sweet.

I placed Maria’s milk and my coffee on a tray, dug out a packet of chips from the pantry, and cut up some cheese and crackers for myself, before heading back upstairs with my bounty.

Getting closer to Maria’s bedroom, I heard a familiar male voice that definitely wasn’t Michael’s.

“Please Maria, you can’t have this baby.” Max begged.

I pushed open the door slightly to see Maria sitting on the bed and Max kneeling by her side with his hands clasped around hers in the pose of a prayer.

“You can’t expect me to give up my baby? Not when there’s a chance that we could both get through this safely.” Maria replied incredulously.

“It’s only a chance. There’s also a chance that you’ll die, or your baby will die or both!” Max exclaimed.

“Why are you pushing me on this Max? It’s my decision and I’ve made it.” Maria replied, pulling her hand from Max’s clasp.

“You’ve made the wrong one.” Max replied.

“How do you know?” Maria asked.

“Yes Max, how do you know?” I asked, stepping into the room.

“Liz!” Max stood up and spinning around to face me.

“What are you doing here Max? Why are you pressuring Maria like this?” I asked.

“Because she has to know the consequences of her decision. She has to know what she’s really giving up.” Max replied.

“And what’s that?” I asked curiously.

“Apart from her life? She’ll also be destroying the life of her child.” Max stated.

“No she’s not – she’s giving her baby the chance to have a life.” I replied.

“No.” Max shook his head. “If Maria dies, her baby will have to live with the knowledge that because of them, their mother died. Can you imagine the amount of guilt that child will feel for the rest of their life?”

“No. I can’t.” I replied. I hadn’t thought about it like that. It would be hard on the child knowing that their mother died to give them life.

“Well I can.” Max replied. “Ask me how.”

“How?” I asked hesitantly – feeling that one question would change my world forever.

“Because I have to live with that guilt every single day.” Max blurted. “I killed my mother.”

[Oz]

This is a very very short part just to let you know that I'm still working on this fic, but struggling for time and a muse. Hopefully I'll be able to post a longer update on the weekend if I can get myself inspired between now and then.

7

Max was now asleep in our bed for the first time since we had moved into our new home. After his confession at Maria’s, I had managed to convince him to come home with me so that we could talk, and that is what we had been doing for the past few hours. Now he was so exhausted that he slept, while I lay next to him staring at the ceiling.

He told me that his mother, Diane, had Placenta Previa when she had been pregnant with him, but it had been left undiagnosed. After giving birth to a healthy little boy, the doctors couldn’t stop the bleeding. She died on the table before they even had a chance to get the baby out of the room.

For the first few years of Max’s life, he was basically raised by his grandparents. His own father had been too distraught at the loss of the love of his life, that he just couldn’t look at Max without crumbling into tears. In a depressive state, he was not fit to raise a son.

It wasn’t as though Philip ever blamed Max for his mother’s death, at least he had told Max that every chance he got, but he just couldn’t cope with a little baby on his own. He and Diane had had a plan. He would work while she stayed home and raised their child. They were planning to have more. She had read up as much as she could about how to raise a child, but Philip hadn’t. He had intended to let himself to be guided by her - it was what fathers did back then. But she wasn’t there anymore to guide him and he felt lost in a world he no longer recognised.

When Max was three years old, Philip had managed to pull himself together and get to a place where he felt that he could give Max the kind of life that he deserved. Philip had grieved, and now it was time to celebrate the life that he and Diane had brought into the world. Philip could see a piece of Diane in Max, and didn’t want to miss another moment.

But they’ve never been really close. Maybe it was like Philip said – he was never good at talking about his feelings. Then again, maybe it was because he missed out on the first few years of Max’s life – apart from birthdays and special holidays. Philip hadn’t formed a bond with Max in those early years, and their relationship now was living proof of what can happen without that early connection.

It wasn’t until Max was thirteen years old that he discovered how his mother had died. He had pestered his father for weeks to tell him, until his father eventually relented. Apparently Philip sat his down and explained that Max’s mother had given birth to Max but then had a lot of bleeding that the doctors couldn’t control. It was only then that they read the signs, that Max’s mother had a condition called Placenta Previa and, from some unbelievable fluke, had made it through the pregnancy without any problems… until the end at least.

Philip made the mistake of mentioning to Max what his mother’s condition was, and Max researched it as much as he could in library books. It didn’t take long for Max to conclude that it was his fault that his mother had died. She had given her life for his without even getting the choice. If she had been diagnosed earlier, she could have aborted the pregnancy and still be alive today. That was a thought that Max found it hard to live with.

Max withdrew from his father, and from everyone. If I remember back to that time I vaguely recall a period when Max was more withdrawn in class, from his friends, from me. Within six months he was back to his old self, except for the perpetual sadness in his eyes that you could see if you knew where to look. The bravado that he put on in front of his friends was only skin deep.

As soon as he graduated, Max left Roswell, intent on getting away from his past and trying to find his feet in the world. But he admitted that the guilt of his mother’s death followed him everywhere. The longer he stayed away from Roswell, the happier he felt, until he was at a point that his previous life seemed like a distant memory.

Even when he met me – a reminder of where he came from, the floodgate of memories of his mother didn’t open, and he believed himself finally healed. So we were married, and we lived in a beautiful blissful world of sweet denial.

When I suggested we move back to Roswell, Max was fairly open to the idea, despite the extra pressure it put on him. He had seen it as a way of testing himself, to see if he was really over it all. And he really wanted to see his father again, and try and build a relationship before it was too late.

He thought he was doing well – until I started talking about wanting to have a child – and all of his worst fears hit him squarely in the guts. He was so sure that if I got pregnant, he would lose me too – another life he would have taken. So he withdrew. Maria’s diagnosis had hit him for six and that brings us to where we are now.

Where was that? I was staring at the ceiling thinking about the children I would never be able to have because I loved Max too much to put him through that nightmare.

It was my turn to grieve.

[Oz]

Another short update ...

8

Three months later…

Samuel: Hey Lily. I was hoping you would be online. How are things?
Lily: Oh, you know, same ol’ same ol’.
Samuel: Your boss getting to you again?

I paused for a moment. I don’t know what had possessed me to lie to Samuel about what I did for a living. I guess I wasn’t ready for him to know that I was an author. The idea of him reading my work just felt … wrong. It was not as though I wrote under an alias, or I tried to hide my work from my friends and family – not to mention the complete strangers that came to my book signings. But, well I guess Max, Maria and the rest of the people close to me knew me well enough for me to trust them with my inner-most thoughts. And the strangers in the bookstores? Well they didn’t know me well enough to be able to see me in my writing. And Samuel? Well he sat in a blurred line between friend and complete stranger and that was a scary prospect. It brought familiarity without the mutual trust. Not yet.

It wasn’t as though I hadn’t shared a lot of myself with Samuel in the few months that we had been ‘talking’. In fact, I had told him many things that I just couldn’t, and hadn’t, shared with anyone else. Maybe that was the problem – he knew me too well.

Lily: Yeah, she’s always on my back. Today she made me return her Starbuck’s coffee because it didn’t have enough chocolate sprinkled on top of the froth. Can you believe it?

Truth was, Maria had asked me to do that for her today. Her pregnancy cravings were driving me crazy! It was only getting worse. I wondered what she would think of me using her as my inspiration for my fake-boss. I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought.

“What’s so funny?” Maria asked, looking up from an episode of ‘Gossip Girl’ that she had already seen a hundred times.

“Nothing.” I waved my hand dismissively, before returning to Samuel’s reply.

Samuel: From what you’ve told me about her, I think I can believe it! Why do you still work for her anyway?
Lily: Oh, it’s not that bad. I’m sure one day I’ll get rewarded for my hard work and dedication.

I snickered again. Making sure a happy, healthy baby entered the world, and that Maria was around to see him or her grow up was more than enough of a reward.

Lily: Enough about me… how are things with you?
Samuel: Can’t complain.
Lily: How are things with your girlfriend?

Samuel had told me that he had finally told his girlfriend everything – the real reasons that he didn’t want to have children. He hadn’t told me, but I hadn’t pushed the issue. It was personal and he would tell me if he felt like it. We managed to talk each other through without the specifics. I knew that he didn’t want children, and he knew that my partner didn’t either. I guess that’s why we bonded so well – we had an insight into what each other were going through.

Samuel: Fine. She’s fine – at least that’s what she tells me.
Lily: But you don’t believe her?
Samuel: I think she’s putting on a front for me, but deep down she’s hurting.

Sounded like someone I knew – very well.

Lily: I can understand. If she wants children that badly, it would be hard to let that dream go.
Samuel: I just wish she didn’t have to. She deserves to have everything in life that she wants.
Lily: But you still can’t give it to her?
Samuel: No. I can’t. I sometimes wonder whether she would someday leave me so she can find someone who can give her everything.
Lily: Maybe what she wants more than anything else in the world is you.
Samuel: I find that difficult to believe.
Lily: You need to have more faith in your own self-worth.
Samuel: I know… but you haven’t met my girlfriend – she’s perfection itself, an absolute angel.
Lily: Well then, if that’s the case, you must be amazing.
Samuel: Oh, stop, you’re making me blush!

“Uh, Liz? Do you think you could run to the store and get me some icecream?” Maria asked as I heard the Gossip Girl credits begin to roll.

“Didn’t I just buy you a tub yesterday?” I asked, vividly recalling a similar request yesterday.

“Yes, but that was chocolate chip. Today I feel like some caramel swirl.” Maria replied, before batting her eyelids. “Pretty please?”

“Sure. I need to stretch my legs anyway.” I replied.

Lily: Gotta go Samuel. I’ve got to run an errand.
Samuel: Tell the she-devil I said ‘Hi’.
Lily:

“Talking to your pen-pal again?” Maria asked, as I logged off and closed my laptop.

“His name is Samuel, and yes.” I replied.

“Have you told Max about your online friend?” Maria asked.

“No.” I replied, wondering why I suddenly felt like I was sneaking around. “It hasn’t come up in conversation.”

“Don’t you think it should? You are practically online with him everyday.” Maria pointed out.

Huh. Had we, really? I hadn’t realised it was that much. Huh.

“We’re not doing anything wrong. He’s just a friend.” I replied, a little more defensively than what I had intended.

“I’m not saying that you are. It’s just, you don’t know this guy. You don’t know his real intentions. He could be making all of this stuff up to get to know you better. He could be a weirdo, a serial rapist, or worse!” Maria started to get a little too carried away.

“Maria. Take a breath. Calm down. Samuel is not like that. He’s just a regular guy going through a hard time. I trust him.” I replied, shocking myself with the revelation.

“Then why haven’t you told him your real name or what you do for a living?” Maria replied smugly.

“How do you know I haven’t?” I asked.

Maria didn’t meet my eye.

“You’ve been reading over my shoulder!?” I replied aghast.

“Only occasionally. I just want to make sure that you’re okay.” Maria replied in defence. “And besides, if there is nothing going on, then why do you care so much?”

“It’s my private conversation.” I replied.

“But you don’t tell him anything that you wouldn’t tell me, right?” Maria asked.

“Uh, right.” I agreed reluctantly. I could already think of a few things, like how jealous I was of Maria for being pregnant, and my fears of being a bad mother – not that I would ever get the opportunity.

“Well then, there’s nothing to be upset about.” Maria replied, hitting ‘play’ on the remote. “Oh, and next time you’re online, tell Samuel that the she-devil says ‘hi’ back.”

I grabbed my purse and headed for the front door. I was glad of an excuse to get some fresh air and be alone with my thoughts. I wondered why I was so upset that Maria had been reading some of my conversation with Samuel. If it was anybody else, I wouldn’t have cared at all. Were we really sneaking around like she had hinted? Was I somehow betraying Max’s trust by going forward with this online friendship?

No. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Samuel was just a friend, nothing more, and I was entitled to have a friend to myself. I had travelled so much with my work, and with Max, that I didn’t have more than a handful of close friends – and all of them were also friends with Max. Sure I had work associates, but they were on the East coast and we really only had a relationship by phone or email.

I wanted a friend of my own.

We weren’t doing anything wrong.

Really, we weren’t.

[Oz]

Sorry for the delay in updating but I was hoping to get a chance to add another bit on the end of this chapter before posting. I've run out of time so thought I would post this before going away to spend a week in sunny Queensland.

9

Walking into the apartment after my afternoon jog, my eyes immediately went to the humongous bunch of flowers taking pride of place on the kitchen table. There was also some sort of pasta sauce bubbling away on the stove.

I looked for a card, at the same moment Max slunk into the kitchen and hovered by the bedroom door.

“No card?” I asked.

“They’re from me.” Max replied, pushing off the wall and taking a step towards me. “There’s no card because I wanted give you the message personally.”

“Yeah? What’s that?” I prodded.

“I wanted to tell you that I love you. And I want to make sure that you know just how important you are to me.” Max put his hands on my arms and looked into my eyes. “You are my life. I don’t want anything to come between us – ever.”

“I love you too.” I replied, touched by the sudden outpouring of love.

“And we’re okay? You and me.” Max asked.

“Of course we are.” I replied. Now I was getting worried. Why would he think otherwise? I had done everything in my power to make sure that he was okay, that he was happy and that he didn’t feel at all pressured by me and my biological clock.

“Are you sure?” Max said seriously. “I can’t help but worry that I’m going to lose you.”

“Lose me? Why would you think that?” I asked shocked.

“Because of the baby thing.” Max replied.

I couldn’t help but visibly flinch at the words being spoken out loud, and the fact that Max referred to my need to have a baby as a ‘thing’ – it seemed so … detached from what was so close to my heart.

“T-there’s nothing to worry about.” I replied, not at all convincingly.

“Liz. I know you, and I know that you’re not completely happy.” Max observed. “For the past three months you have been doing everything possible to make sure that I’m okay. But what about you? Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Feigning ignorance.

“I know you really want to have a baby.” Max replied.

“Pff.” I dismissed his comment with a wave of a hand as though it was nothing, yet I couldn’t make my throat work to say anything intelligible to back me up. We’re they actual tears welling up in my eyes? Must be the onions from the half-cooked dinner in the kitchen.

“I’ve seen your web page history – I’ve seen the type of sites you’ve been visiting.” Max confessed. “They’re all about pregnancy and conception.”

I looked over to where my laptop sat open on the coffee table.

“You’ve been checking up on me?!” I cried.

“That wasn’t what I was doing. I was looking for a photography website that I had found on your computer the other night, you know, when I was using your laptop to surf the net while we were watching TV. While I was scrolling through the history I noticed that there were a lot of websites about pregnancy. I knew that you wanted to have a baby, but I didn’t realise just how much.” Max explained. “I’m sorry, I should have.”

“Well, I don’t. It’s fine.” I lied.

“Liz. You can talk to me about this.”

“Can I?” I retorted. “You’ve made the position about how you feel about babies very clear, and that it is not negotiable. There’s not much left to say. I’ve told you that I’m okay with it, and I am. If I’m still dealing with a few residual issues, then that’s my problem.”

“No Liz, it’s our problem.” Max replied. “We need to talk about what we are going to do about it.”

“There’s nothing to do. We’ll never have children, so I’ll devout myself to being the best aunty to Maria’s child that I can be.” I shrugged it off.

“You deserve more than that.” Max shook his head. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you everything. I just … I can’t.”

“You don’t have to. I have you. You’re all I need.” I smiled.

Max put his arms around me and stroked my head. “I want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” I replied.

“What if one day you wake up and you’re not happy anymore? What if your need to have a baby takes over your love for me? What if you start to resent me?” Max confessed his fears. “I’m scared I’m going to lose you.”

“You’re not.” I promised. “I will never want anything in the world more than I want to be with you.”

“You can’t know that for sure.” Max shook his head.

“I can’t imagine a world where you are not my number one.”

“But what about all the web pages? Having a baby is already a huge deal for you if you’re spending all of your spare time googling about pregnancy and babies.” Max returned to what had brought this conversation to a head to start with.

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Don’t lie to me Liz. Please don’t lie to me.” Max pleaded. “I’ve been sick to the stomach with worry since I saw those pages. I need to know exactly how you feel, even if you think I may not want to hear it. The sooner everything is out in the open, the sooner we can deal with our choices.”

Max looked tortured. He had really been worrying about this.

“I’m not lying to you.” I replied. “If you must know, the websites are just research for my new novel.”

I could hear Max audibly release the breath he had been holding in anticipation of my confession.

“They are?” Max confirmed, reluctant to believe it. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that.”

I couldn’t help but feel that I had been punched in the stomach when I saw the look of relief on his face. It was extremely evident just how happy he was.

“I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.” Max apologised, putting his arms around me.

I then thought about the one pregnancy website that wasn’t related to my book, but my relationship with Samuel. I should tell Max the whole truth right now – it was that moment where you get to clear the air with everything before it comes crashing down on you.

But I needed Samuel now more than ever.

“It’s okay.” I replied.

“Let me make it up to you with dinner…” Max said, turning his attention back to the kitchen where the pasta sauce was now turning to charcoal and the pasta itself had gone soggy. “… at your favourite restaurant. I’ll make reservations while you change your clothes.”

I considered the daggy tracksuit I was wearing and headed to the bedroom to find something a little more feminine.

But before I did, I went into the bathroom to cry.

[Oz]

Here's the next part. I hope you enjoy it.

And if you don't enjoy it, you can blame Rob Thomas and Matchbox 20 who I have been streaming on Youtube while I've been writing this. So much angst... 'This is how a heart breaks!'


10

“I can’t believe how flirty that waitress was with you all night…” I laughed, clinging onto Max’s arm for support as he tried to get the key into the lock of the front door. Needless to say we both had a little too much to drink at dinner, and then at the pub afterwards. It had been a while since we had spent a night out like this – just the two of us, just like we were back in Europe with no care in the world.

“What can I say, she found me irri-irrisissisistable.” Max smiled.

I had missed that smile.

We stumbled inside and both lost our balance and fell into a heap on the floor, before bursting out laughing at ourselves.

“Well, she’s not the only one.” I smiled, before sliding a leg over his abdomen and pulling myself up so that I was sitting on top of him. Lacing his fingers in mine, I bent over and kissed him.

“Hmmm.” Max moaned, before pulling away a little. “Not that I’m not enjoying the moment, but… do you think we could relocate to somewhere a little more comfortable?”

I looked at the timber floor he was laying on. It had to be hard on the back, not to mention my knees.

I got to my feet and offered my hand to him, helping him to his feet. Losing my balance, we both fell back onto the floor.

“Nevermind. I think it is safer to stay right where we are.” Max smiled as he leaned over and kissed me with more intensity than he had kissed me in a long time. I couldn’t help but melt beneath him, and I no longer cared about the less than comfortable surroundings – I felt like I was floating in the clouds.

* * * * *

“Oh, my head.” I moaned, waking up in bed. I vaguely remember relocating to the bedroom after a marathon on the dining room floor. Shortly after that I passed out and slept soundly for the first time in a long time. Now I woke to the sound and smell of bacon and eggs being cooked in the kitchen. Beside my bed was a hangover tonic that looked like sludge that had been scrapped off the bottom of a pond, and a couple of aspirin. Max was very thoughtful.

After downing the drink and tablets, I got out of bed, threw on a robe and went to find Max in the kitchen.

“Morning.” Max said, kissing me on the forehead as I wrapped my arms around his waist. “Sleep well?”

“Beautifully.” I replied. “You?”

“Not really.” Max replied.

“Why not?” I asked concerned. Was he still worrying about us? Even after last night?

“Because I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes. I was enjoying watching you sleep.” Max smiled, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. It gave me a shiver down my spine from the memories it brought back from days when we had been closer. It felt like we were back there now - nothing between us but a massive pool of love that didn’t let in room for anything or anyone else.

“Was I drooling?” I asked, covering my face, embarrassed.

“No. You looked like you were having a nice dream. You looked peaceful.” Max replied. “I was dying to know what you were dreaming about.”

I thought for a moment. I couldn’t remember. I could only remember the feeling of being happy.

“I don’t know.” I replied. “But my guess was that it had been about you.”

“I hope so.” Max smiled. “Anyway, breakfast is ready. Why don’t you take a seat at the table?”

“I’m not sure that I could eat a thing.” I replied, feeling the uneasy feeling in my stomach.

“Not even Eggs Benedict?” Max replied.

My favourite.

“Okay, maybe just a mouthful or two.” I replied.

* * * * *

Samuel: You seem to be in a particularly good mood today.
Lily: I’ve just had a few good days, that’s all.
Samuel: Any reason, or are you just smelling the sweet scent of spring in the air?
Lily: Things have just been going well with my partner at the moment.
Samuel: Glad to hear it. There must be something in the air after all, because things have been going well with my girlfriend too.
Lily: That’s wonderful.
Samuel: Yeah, it feels like how it used to be. It gives me hope that we can get through everything and we’ll be okay. It’s given me hope that I haven’t ruined everything after all.
Lily: I’m glad you are finally seeing sense!
Samuel: I know I’ve been a little slow in that respect ;0)
Lily: I wouldn’t say that … just a little insecure maybe.
Samuel: Well I hope I’m not about to ruin everything while things are going so well…
Lily: How would you do that?
Samuel: I have a work trip that I have to take.
Lily: And you can’t take her with you? It could be a nice break for the both of you.
Samuel: Normally I would. She often comes on these trips with me. But it’s not a good time for her at the moment. There’s something she has to be home for.
Lily: You can’t delay your trip?
Samuel: No. I’ve already delayed it long enough and now my work is beginning to suffer because of it.
Lily: How long do you have to go for?
Samuel: I’m not sure. I never know until I get there. It could be for a month or so.
Lily: I’m sure she’d understand. Maybe she can go with you for part of the time and be in phone contact with home if she needs to be.
Samuel: That could work. Maybe I’ll talk to her about it.
Lily: Good. Let me know how it goes.
Samuel: You’re the first person I’d tell :0)

* * * * *

Two weeks later…

“What are you doing?” I asked, walking into the kitchen and finding Max with my box of contraceptive pills in his hand.

“Nothing.” Max replied, trying to hide what he had been looking at.

“Is there something of particular interest with my pills?” I asked, still at a loss as to any reason Max could have for not only picking up the packet, but looking at the strip of pills inside.

“Are you taking your pills?” Max asked. Obviously realising there was no point denying the fact that he was looking at them, so he might as well speak whatever was on his mind. I hadn’t expected an accusation.

“Of course I am.” I replied, ripping the box out of his hand. Dramatically, I took today’s pill and placed it in my mouth before swallowing a mouthful of water. “Satisfied?”

“Liz. Today is Tuesday.” Max pointed out. “That was Monday’s pill.”

I looked at the packet and then back at Max. He was right. It was Tuesday. Not having a regular day job made it hard to keep track of the days sometimes.

“I must have missed one.” I replied, still confused. I was usually as regular as clockwork. I took them every night before going to bed.

… Except when we went out for dinner that night two weeks ago. I had passed out before we went to bed, and in the morning I was too hung-over to remember to take it. I couldn’t believe that it had taken until now to notice.

“How many times do you forget to take one?” Max asked. His tone still accusatory.

“Never. This is the first time, I swear.” I replied.

“Is this even the right week? For all I know you haven’t been taking them at all in your desire to have a baby.”

My jaw dropped to the ground.

“I can’t believe you just said that.” I stammered.

I felt like I had just been shot through the heart. After everything had been going so well for once, he was all the time believing that I was capable of deception and trapping him into having a child with me.

“What do you expect?” Max replied. “When I find that you’re not even taking your pills.”

“It was just one pill!” I exclaimed.

“That’s all it takes!” Max replied. “There’s a reason they say that they are ineffective if you don’t take them every day.”

“Well I made a mistake. I’m sorry I’m not perfect.” I apologised, but the anger was still seething under my skin. I couldn’t believe that he didn’t trust me and had been checking up on me.

At that moment the phone rang. Max and I were both still glaring at each other.

“Don’t answer it.” Max said as I went to reach for the phone.

“It might be Maria.” I replied, picking up the receiver. At 10 o’clock at night, I knew that she was the only one who could be calling.

“Of course, as usual put Maria before our relationship.” Max muttered before exiting the room.

“Liz? It’s Michael. Can you come to the hospital?” Michael asked in a rush.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Is the baby okay?”

“We’ll find out soon. It’s coming out tonight.” Michael replied before hanging up the phone.

“I have to go.” I called out to Max who was now in the other room. “Maria’s having the baby.”

“Don’t expect me to be here when you get back.” Max replied. I walked to the bedroom to find Max throwing clothes into a duffel bag.

“Where are you going?” I asked, stopping dead in my tracks.

“Peru.” Max replied.

“You’re kidding right?” My jaw dropped again. This was becoming a habit this morning.

“No. I’m going to Machu Picchu.” Max replied, packing some toiletries and also throwing them into the bag.

“Since when?” I asked. You don’t just have a fight and decide to travel half way across the world. This had to be planned.

“I’ve been planning it for a while anyway, and I was going to ask you to come with me, but I couldn’t find the right time. Things were going so well between us, I didn’t want anything to change.” Max explained.

“And now that we’ve had a fight you’re going to pack up and run away?” I clarified.

“Seems like a perfect time to take a break.” Max answered, picking up his bag and heading for the door.

“When you say break …” I needed him to make it clear.

“I think we need to spend some time apart.” Max clarified. “I think it’s what we need. I know it’s what I need.”

“Doesn’t our marriage mean anything to you?” I asked, desperate to know how he could so quickly walk away from it.

“It means everything to me.” Max replied. “That’s why I need to leave.”

“There may not be anything to come back to.” I threatened.

“That’s a risk I’ll have to take.” Max said as he walked out the door and closed it behind him.