Couples: None though M/T implied
Rating: PG-13/R
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Roswell. This story was inspired by the the song, If I was a Bird by Floetry
Summary: Tess POV of her situation with Nasedo and Max, wanting to leave but having nowhere to go. This is a songfic but instead of the lyrics being outside of the story, I’ve blended them into the story. Lyrics are in italics
Sometimes blindness finds me. I mean sometimes I close my eyes so tight until I feel like I’m blind. It’s wish fulfillment. I wish I was blind, I wish I was deaf. Then his words couldn’t hurt me. Seeing his face filled with contempt, his face filled with rejection. I want the world to be deaf and blind, so we become lifeless and dependent on each other instead of pulling away from each other.
I act like it doesn’t bother me. I put on an act of strength, nonchalance. At other times I cover with self pity or work aimlessly through reality. I practice, I keep vigilant and I live in memories, which seem stronger than this world. Occasionally I choose to travel alone, until the reality of being alone bears down on me and all I come running back to the one place I should get away from. Mostly I attempt to achieve balance by seeking right knowledge, looking for those things that are overlooked by the others. They think I’m too quiet, too manipulative, too deceiving, but I’m observing. I’m waiting. I know there’s more. I know that the answers will come in understanding those many lessons of my life.
Nasedo never listens, so I’ve learned not to speak. Sometimes I want to yell at him. I want to say “You got me caught in a stormy odd world that drains. And I beg to see truth and promises you made to me.” I want to rail at him. Once when I was younger, I threw my shoe at the door after he walked out the door. He locked me in the room until I figured out how to use my powers to get out.
Now we've come so far, I’m older and I don’t throw my shoes at the door when I’m angry. But my visions of happiness, are scarred by my past. I don’t know if I can survive with you in my life; but I don’t know if can survive without Nasedo. I'm afraid and confused. I think that if I was a bird I'd fly away. Spread my wings so I'd escape, but where would I go?
I remember the past so vividly. At times. I want to rip the memories out of my head. It would be easier than dealing with this loneliness. I see Max and I wonder to myself ‘why do I feel so alone knowing I know I have you’ Or should have you. Even if we’re not together, I remember believing that everything would be okay once I found you. I might never have a lover but I would have a family.
And what made you turn around on me? Was it just Liz? What happened? What did I do[//i]? There were days when I told myself it was my fault. That I pushed too hard. I was too rough and callous. I was too selfish.
I fell for everything Nasedo told me. I got too caught up in the memories. Convinced things could be the way the once were. And I would feel your arms around me like I once did. When did love feel this way? So much pain and misery? . When we lived before, I sometimes thought pain was a myth. Something you never really felt. I had your love and that was enough. Where's the you I once knew? The man who ruled a nation and filled my days with sunlight and my nights with endless stars.
Now I can't stay. You won't need me. With Nasedo here there’s no need for me. My love for Max complicates things. He can’t learn to be king because he’s afraid it will mean losing his love for Liz. I don’t want that for him. Mostly what I want is for him to be who he wants to be. And I want the chance to learn who I’m supposed to be without him.
[i[Set me free and let me fly. I want them to let me go. I want them to let me sink into the air around me. Sometimes I want to be like the sky, vast and alone but watching over all the people below. Protecting them. If I was the sky, I'd let it rain to wash away the pain. The pain of being alone. The pain of love.
I can’t leave but I can’t stay. And love is what I fear the most.
Fin.
