First, we'd like to thank everyone, once again, for voting for us for Combined Author. It's a total honor, and we're very, very flattered. Second, we'd like to thank you all for being so extremely patient. The days are passing us by without even giving us a chance to think about them, so it's hard to get parts out in a timely manner. We ARE trying to improve, though.
dreamerfrvrp3 and I have gotten into many debates over the last few parts (and probably many more to come). I rationalize Max's thoughts to myself, while she's ratonalizing Liz to herself, and we both tend to clash over the other's actions. She feels like Max is acting like an ass/"manwhore". I think that Max has valid reasons for his reactions. I feel like Liz is acting like an ass. She feels like Liz has reasons. It's making for some very interesting writing. We've both taken our characters under our wings, so it's very much like us acting like a mother protecting their child. Either way, know that we're up there debating fault and motive and consequence with the rest of you and playing devil's advocate for the other. I think that's what makes writing this so much... fun.
begonia9508
sylvia37: I'm on your side, with the whole not liking Liz thing.
LairaBehr4
Emz80m
behrluv32
confusedfool
Alien614
Thursday' s Child
maya
Queenie_Zan7
thetvgeneral
clueless
Alien_Friend
ShatteredDreamer
Shadowlynxbehr
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers
Tamashii
Nz_Roswell
LegalAlien
max and liz believer
Roswell3053
Part 8
Max POV
The Pretender
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
In time our soul untold
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
I wake slowly, feeling the weight of her naked torso on top of mine. Her head is resting just below my chin. We had sex three times last night. She initiated the last two rounds. I started off slowly, but I quickly learned what made her scream my name.
She shifts slightly and her eyes flutter open. She looks up at me and gives me a small smile before sitting up in bed, stretching. The sheets fall off of her and I’m once more allowed to look upon her naked chest. She smiles devilishly and then leaves the bed, not caring that she’s completely naked.
She gathers up her clothes and her purse, and she heads into my bathroom. I use the time to throw on a pair of boxers and a pair of pajama bottoms.
When she emerges fully clothed, she speaks confidently, “I’ve got to get going. Thank you for last night. It was amazing.”
She stresses the last word and then looks my body up and down, smiling.
I grin back, “Yeah, it was.”
She heads over to the door and unlocks it. I follow her out of the room. We pass an awestruck Alex and Michael sitting in the living room. I open the door to the apartment for her and she turns to me. We kiss one last kiss, and then she speaks, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Call me if you ever want to do this again.”
And then she’s gone.
I close the door and turn back into the apartment.
Alex looks utterly shocked. Michael’s jaw is practically on the floor. I raise an eyebrow, “You guys okay?”
“What the hell does she see in you?” Michael laughs slightly.
I frown, “What does Maria see in you?”
“Touché.”
“When did you meet her?” Alex asks.
“Last night.” I shrug.
Michael nods, obviously impressed, “Sealing the deal in one night. I’m proud.”
“You slept with her?” Alex asks yet another question.
Michael scoffs at him, “Didn’t you hear them last night? Hell, the bed slammed against the wall enough times.” He pauses, and then looks at me, “She was a total screamer. I was surprised Isabel didn’t hear it and storm up here. If I had to hear ‘Oh… MAX! MAX!’ one more time, I was going to jump out of my window.”
Alex shrugs, “I’m a heavy sleeper.”
“Heavy doesn’t even begin to describe it.” Michael rolls his eyes.
I shrug and get a glass of water out of the kitchen.
Alex calls out to me, and I ignore him. I walk into my bedroom, reflecting on the events of last night. I wish I could say that I regret it, but I don’t. It made me realize that I have been a doormat my entire life. I have sat around and let people make decisions for me, instead of standing up and doing things for myself. I’ve been watching life from the sidelines.
I’m twenty years old; I’m in my sexual prime. I can take a stand and do what I want with my life.
Maybe it took something pushing me away from my comfort zone for me to come to that realization. Having sex with Pam was like opening up a world of possibilities.
But still, I feel like there’s something just out of my reach, something that I can’t control. I loved the control that I had last night. I loved having Pam react to my touch. I loved having the control for once.
I could really get used to the feeling.
I walk into my bathroom, intent on showering and then heading over to Tess’s to see how the rest of her night went, when I see something that makes me raise my eyebrows. Pam’s number is scrawled up on my mirror in the pink lipstick that she was wearing last night. Beneath the digits, she wrote: Call me. XOXO Pam. Beneath that is the shape of her lips, from her kissing the mirror.
I smirk and then make my way into the shower. My first extended sexual experience, and the girl thinks I’m amazing.
Maybe love just isn’t for me. I held on to the idea for such a long time that it’s blinded me from the harsh realities of life. I’m giving up on love, because love has given up on me.
I don’t feel any remorse, either.
Then again, if I’m so content with my actions, why do I feel like something’s… off?
An hour later, I’m knocking on the door of Tess’s apartment. My mind briefly goes to the other apartment in this building that I’m familiar with, and I wonder if Kyle’s now waking up with Liz on his chest… I shake the thought away. I can’t think about that. I won’t. Tess opens the door, fully clothed, and looking like she’s been awake all morning.
“Where did you go at the club last night?” She asks innocently, letting me into her apartment, “I was worried.”
“I told Sean to let you know I was leaving,” I defend. “I left… with…”
“You left with someone?” She asks sharply, her eyes narrowing, “Max Evans, what the hell did you do last night?”
I narrow my eyes right back at her, “Not this time, Tess. I’m not going to feel bad about it. I made the decision.”
“Who was it?” She closes her eyes, almost like she’s frustrated with me.
“Her name is Pam,” I shrug, “I’ve seen her around campus a few times.”
Tess sets her jaw, her voice quaking with unnamed emotion, “When I told you to go out and meet new people, I didn’t mean go out and fuck the first thing that batted its eyelashes in your direction.”
“Didn’t you, though?” I shake my head angrily, “You told me to shatter my vision of Liz and of waiting for the right person. You’re the one who told me to go ahead with this.”
“I didn’t mean it like that!” She shouts.
I shrug, “Doesn’t seem to matter. It’s over and done with.”
“And what are you going to do if Liz calls you, begging for your forgiveness?”
I shrug, “Nothing. I’m not going to be her doormat anymore, Tess. I won’t sit there and be the friend that everyone uses, but no one respects.”
“I respect you. At least, I thought I did,” She shoots back, “Little did I know that by one impulsive move to try and cheer up my friend, I was opening up Pandora’s box.”
“Pandora’s box?” I say, and it drips off of my tongue like acid, “Is that what this is?”
“Yes, it is.” Tess retorts.
I groan, throwing my hands in the air and moving towards the door. Tess is not seeing things from my point of view right now. I look back over my shoulder, “I’ll see you later, Tess.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home, I guess.”
“No,” she begs. “You should stay. We can call up some landlords and go apartment hunting. C’mon, it’ll be fun.” She doesn’t want me to be alone. She probably thinks that I’m planning on going home and getting wasted. The thought is tempting.
“Fine.”
We look around for the rest of the day. Tess and I find a few apartments in the neighborhood that are all in my price range. I’m going to start a job working as a part-time assistant at a law firm in a few weeks, so I’ll have a better, more constant flow of money.
I get home utterly exhausted.
My room is clean, but I want to wash the sheets. I throw them into the washing machine. I am about to throw the pair of jeans I was wearing last night into the wash, but then I remember the girl who gave me her number before Pam came up to me. I remove the piece of paper from the back pocket and hold on to it. I start the washing machine.
I program her number into my phone, along with Pam’s, and then lay down on my stripped bed. My thoughts drift to Liz. I fall into a light sleep.
I awaken, thinking that someone had knocked on the door, but then I realize it must have been in my dream. The knock was far too light for it to have actually existed. I close my eyes. I think that I can feel Liz’s presence, but I can’t imagine why.
Five days later, I’ve hung out with Tess, but I feel like there are things that she isn’t saying to me. Five days later, Michael and Alex have become more distant. Five days later, I still think about Liz at least once an hour. Five days later, I invite the redhead to go to a party with me. She agrees.
We get to the party and get comfortable. Her name is Jessica. Jessica is into drama. Jessica likes The Ataris. Jessica tells me that she’s horny. At least we have something in common.
I lean forward and capture her lips in mine. She’s more than willing. Before I know it, we’ve been making out for quite a while. We break apart only when some drunkard stumbles into the two of us. I gasp for air, smiling.
Past her head, I think I get a glimpse of two tall blondes and a short brunette hurrying from the party. But it was probably my imagination.
We go to Jessica’s apartment. She’s just moved in. There are still boxes everywhere. We “christen” the kitchen, living room and bedroom. I leave in the morning, the same way Pam left me.
I was in control again. I loved the control. She wanted me. She begged for me. She screamed for me. She appreciated me. But we both don’t want relationships. She did, after all, just move here. And me? I’m not a one woman guy. Not anymore.
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I think I might take a break in the “festivities” tonight. I caught up with some studying earlier. A lot of girls in my classes have started to give me more attention. I don’t know why. I only spent one night with Pam. Apparently she just has a really, really big mouth. Heh heh.
Isabel would kill me if she knew I just thought something like that. Maria would probably murder me. I swear I was taught to treat women with respect. That lasted until I learned that they are soul sucking sirens. Women suck.
Who knows where Michael and Alex are. Probably at Isabel and Maria’s. I need my own place. This arrangement is sickening. I’m suffocating. Don’t they have other friends? What would they do if they broke up? Oh. I know. Be miserable. Because that’s what happens when your best friend is the person you love. I would know.
I’m going to enjoy their absence. Time to myself. They keep giving me glares. I hate it. They need to keep out of my business. So I’ll watch some TV, probably. And order in. I actually think there’s anew café down the road that delivers. Yeah. That works.
I pick up the phone and order a teriyaki chicken wrap and a Tangy Mango smoothie. At least it’s healthy. I’ve been eating like crap lately. I take it back. I’ve been drinking lately. And doing very limited eating. The food will be here in twenty minutes. I sit down and turn ESPN on. Hockey again. But I don’t think I’m in the mood for sports. I change it to Man With the Golden Gun. Classic 007. Gotta love it. Plus, I can get lost in this reality and forget about…
KNOCK KNOCK
Yes! Food! Although… that was fast. I open the door, “Wow, you guys are… Liz.”
She’s here. At my apartment. In my doorway. Liz. God, she’s beautiful. I hate her for it. I glare, “What? Need me to fuck you again? Kyle want someone more experienced?” I gesture for her to come into the apartment, “You know where my bed is. I’m told I’m getting good at fucking. Maybe this time you won’t leave in tears.”
Her mouth opens and closes in shock. She’s not sure what to do. She looks at her feet, “I guess I deserve that.”
And more. She’s put me through hell. I’m still there, really. In Hell. Because of her. “What, then? Run out of condoms? Kyle unprepared? Or are you just insatiable? Did you even tell him about what happened? C’mon, Liz, I don’t have all night. I’ve got to meet Pam tonight.” Lie. I’m a liar. She hurt me. I don’t want her to know it, though. I’m a defensive bastard.
“I came to apologize.” She’s looking me in the eyes now. “I’m sorry, Max. I was selfish and blind. I know what I did was wrong. I’m just… god, I don’t know how to make this better, but I wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I didn’t ever want to lose your friendship. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t accept your apology,” I state coldly. “I can’t pretend like I believe you, because I don’t. I don’t trust you anymore, Liz. Obviously you aren’t the girl I thought I knew.”
“Max…”
I shake my head. “No. Stop. I don’t care.”
She scoffs, “Oh I can see that.” She’s getting angry, “That much was clear when you slept with Pam Troy.”
“That is none of your business.”
“So you did?” She blanches.
“Yeah, I did. Three times in one night. It was amazing.” I’m a bastard. I know it. “She was amazing. Orgasmic, even.” I don’t know how, but a piece of me feels bad for reacting like this. But I’m in control. She’s the one confused. She’ll walk out of this hurt. Her, not me. That’s important. She hurt me enough for an entire lifetime.
She shakes her head, “I didn’t want to believe it when I first heard. I thought you were better than one night stands.”
I laugh bitterly, “I used to believe that I was, too. Until someone made me realize that meaningless sex is the best thing ever. Who needs love anymore?”
“I do.”
“Yeah, you’re the poster child for abstinence until marriage. Go tell it to Kyle, Liz. I don’t want to hear it.”
I hate her. How dare she come here, apologize, and criticize my lifestyle. I had her blocked out of my mind, hidden somewhere in the depths where I could control it. Her showing up here, to my home, and forcing me to face her was never in the plan.
She stares at me. “We broke up, Max. The night you came to his apartment. He heard everything and we broke up.”
I cackle, “How perfect… you fuck me to make Kyle want you, and it turns out that he doesn’t want you because you fucked me. Someone should write a fuckin’ poem about it.” I go into the kitchen and get a beer. I pop it open and take a long sip.
Liz follows me. She’s almost in tears. I’m fighting every urge in my body to not rush to her and comfort her. She hurt me. She hurt me. She hurt me. I won’t be vulnerable again. I won’t be her doormat. “It wasn’t like that. He… I…”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” I have to be detached. I have to fight against my emotions. I need to think with my head, not my heart. I can’t comfort her. I can’t let her win. I won’t surrender.
“So, you’re seeing Pam again?” I can’t believe she has the nerve to ask. Her, in her little timid manner, her eyes all red and puffy, looking beautifully flustered… Stop it, Max. Keep it together.
“No. We’re fucking again.” I love the way she flinches when I say it like that. It bothers her. She used to preach how sex had something to do with love. Hypocrite.
She nods, “Oh.”
I continue, coldly, detaching myself further and turning away from her, “Maybe if I get done with Pam early, I can go see Jessica. And what about you? Want to be round three tonight, Lizzie?”
I turn back. She’s offended. Very, very offended.
I’m acting unaffected. I shake my head, “No, of course not. You just needed something to break your hymen, really, didn’t you? It was never about the person who would break it…”
“It wasn’t like that!” She raises her voice, “I went to you because you were my best friend… I needed a friend…”
“You needed a dick.” I correct her sharply.
She tries to deny it, “No, it was…”
I shake my head again. She continues, “Stop acting like this! I’m sorry, okay? If I could redo anything in my life, it would be that night.” She softens, “I didn’t know you were a virgin, Max.”
That makes me snap. “Get the fuck out.” I point towards the door. She doesn’t move. I raise my voice, “Get the fuck out of my apartment!”
She takes a few steps towards the door, “Max…”
“Fuck off. Leave. Go away. Be anywhere but here.” I set my jaw, pointing at the door. She turns and leaves, her eyes brimming with tears again. I’m panting with rage. How dare she bring that up? How dare she come here for an acceptance of her apology? I hate her. She makes me lose control.
I need control. I crave it. I pull out my phone and call Pam. I could use some control. And some alcohol.
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I haven’t talked to Isabel, Maria, Alex, or Michael in five days. It’s been three days since I talked to Liz. Isabel has tried to talk to me. I ignore her. My mom and dad left a voicemail saying that they’re worried about me. I sent them both a text message back saying that I was busy, and for them not to worry. They probably didn’t believe me. But it will have to do for now. I have to give myself time to fall into this new lifestyle. I’m finalizing a rent contract tomorrow at my new building. The new apartment’s a few blocks away from this one. If I moved any further, Isabel would have a major shit fit. She’s going to have a minor shit fit when she realizes I’m moving. I can make it up to her if I give her permission to decorate, though. Except I think Tess already has some decoration plans. None of them even know that I’m moving. Only Tess knows. I don’t care. I don’t relate to them anymore. I’m a new person. This is my way of starting a new life.
I lean against the outside of my apartment building, gazing blankly into the street. I lift the cigarette to my lips and take a drag, closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the wall. I bought my first pack last night, after Pam gave me one when she was sated and I felt like I was back in control. The first two weren’t so enjoyable. This one is. It takes my mind off of things.
There’s a cold voice from my left, “Since when do you smoke?”
“Since when do you care?” I reply, opening my eyes and gazing at Isabel warily.
Her eyes soften. She reaches forward, touching my arm, “Max, stop avoiding me. I came by your apartment six times in the last three days. You weren’t there any of the times. I’ve called you on multiple occasions, but you keep sending the calls to voicemail.”
She’s right. I have been. I nod and take another drag. Before she can narrow her eyes any further, I exhale the smoke and sigh, “I haven’t walked away yet, have I?”
“Can we talk?”
I can tell that she’s hurting from me ignoring her. I shrug, “About?”
“Everything. We haven’t talked much lately. I miss you. You’re my twin brother, Max.” She removes her hand from my arm, sticking it into her coat pocket, “It hurts when you avoid me like this.”
“I’ve got a lot going on.” I flick the ashes off the end of my cigarette. She stands her ground. I nod warily, “Where do you want to go?”
“My apartment?”
I shake my head. She seems to understand.
“Yours?”
I consider it. I take the last drag of the cigarette, exhale and then stamp the cigarette out with my foot. “Alex and Michael home?”
She frowns, “No. They went to a hockey game.”
I nod. “Okay.”
We go up to my soon to be former apartment. She immediately starts making a pot of coffee. We both sit down at the kitchen table. She’s concerned. I can see it in her eyes. I haven’t shaved since Liz came by. I probably look a little ragged. “How are you?”
Those three words are asking a hell of a lot. “Been better.” I can talk to Isabel. Something tells me she would understand. “But that’s not why you’re here?”
She smiles lightly, “You’re right. I just… this whole thing with Liz…” I tense. She notices. “I want you to know that I’m going to stick with you through it, Max. She’s a good friend, but you’re my brother. She’s obviously did a terrible thing and hurt you. I’m here for you.”
“I’m moving, Isabel.” I have to tell her. She’s my sister. She’ll understand.
The color drains from her face, “To where?”
“A few blocks from here. Not far.”
Some of the color returns. She laughs, “I thought you meant moving across the country.” She straightens out her expression, “Is it because of what happened?”
I nod. I won’t lie. “I can’t take it anymore. Alex is one of her best friends. And Michael, he’s dating her other best friend. Her room is right above mine. There are too many memories here.”
“You’re going to be able to pay your own rent?” She’s skeptical. I don’t blame her. I would be if I were her, too.
I give her a light smile, “I got that job I applied for.”
She beams, “Congratulations!! Max, that’s awesome! Did you tell Dad? He’d be so proud…”
Evans & Associates. My dad’s law firm back in New Mexico. I didn’t want to mooch off of him to get a start with my career. Maybe, if it fits, I’ll go back after law school and work for the family company. I haven’t decided yet. “No. I haven’t talked to them recently.”
“You should. You know how Mom gets. She’ll be on a plane out here if you don’t talk to her for more than a week or two…”
I laugh, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“What happened to you and Michael? I thought he was your best friend, right after Liz. You two don’t hang out at all anymore.”
“He’s always with Maria.” It’s true. She knows it is. Maria would support Liz no matter what. They’ve been friends that long. Maria would bug me to talk to Liz, to listen to Liz, to help Liz. I can’t take that.
She sighs, “I think you should talk to him. He’ll make time for you if you ask him to.”
I need time away - to think. That’s why I’m moving. I have to. It’s not that I’m turning my back on all of my friends; I need the space so that I can get my new life situated. I’ve always depended on that group for everything. It’s time I act independently of them to find myself. It’s always been the six of us. I need it to be only me right now. I need the freedom so I can gain control. I shrug.
“You know that if you want to talk… about Liz or anything… you can always call me, right?” She timidly tries to reconnect our twin bonding.
“Yeah, I do. Thanks.” I nod my appreciation.
She lifts an eyebrow. “Good. That means I can tell you how disgusting smoking is. Do you know how many carcinogens are in one cigarette?! Max, we have a family history of lung cancer. What the hell are you thinking?”
I glare at her out of principle, but I’m glad I have Isabel back to talk to. She always supports my final decisions. “I haven’t decided if it’s going to be habit yet, Isabel. I’m giving it a test run.”
“Oh yeah?” She presses, “And what about your other uh… lifestyle changes?”
“I’m not talking about this.” It’s time to put my foot down. I’ll talk to her about anything other than the alcohol and the sex. The alcohol makes me forget. The sex puts me in control. I need both of those things right now. I crave them.
She admits defeat. “Okay, fine.” She stands, brushing off her immaculate outfit. “I’ve got to go upstairs and study. I’ve got a Chem test in an hour and I want to brush up on a few things before I head to class.”
I nod, kiss her on the cheek and tell her good luck.
She thanks me, wrinkles her nose and tells me I smell like smoke.
I call after her, “And Isabel? Want to help Tess decorate my new place?”
She beams, nodding frantically. I laugh to myself and go into my room to start packing up my stuff. I’ll keep my door closed against Michael and Alex and hide the boxes for as long as possible. I don’t want them to make a big deal about me moving out.
I open my window and light another cigarette.
TBC...
Song The Pretender by The Foo Fighters
Broken Innocence (AU,M/L,Mature) AN 3/31 [WIP]
Moderators: Anniepoo98, ISLANDGIRL5, truelovepooh, Forum Moderators
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sprayadhesive
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:19 pm
- Location: Georgia
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sprayadhesive
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:19 pm
- Location: Georgia
Feedback to your feedback as according to dreamerfrvrp3:
AN: Thanks for all the feedback I can speak for us both and say that we really love to hear what you think. It means so much that you guys have opinions and enjoy this fic even though it’s been a bumpy ride. I had left some feed back on the last part that may have offended some of you. It was my view only and I know that a lot of you didn’t agree. I think it came from the fact that Liz is my character, sort of like my baby. When I write her I try to put myself in her shoes so that the thoughts and actions are easier to understand, and I try to draw emotions from her that I would feel. I guess, it’s the fact that I was defended my character because I can see where she is coming from. Yeah, her actions weren’t smart and a matter of fact they were beyond stupid. If I was a reader I think instead of one of the writes I would support Max without another thought. *Cough* Even though he isn’t thinking clearly and his actions aren’t so great either. Though, what makes this story so fun to write is sharing the work with a wonderful writer who is just amazing to work with and I can’t even begin to compare myself to her. She has such great talent for writing and I respect her a lot and her writing. I know this probably sounds utterly cheesy but to have this opportunity to be side by side with her is…words can’t even describe. We both have tons of fun writing this because of our opposing views… I love it. I’m totally done rambling now on to my response to your great feedback.
flyawayraven- Be careful what you wish for
.
roswell3053- Yeah, I don’t think the way Max is acting is going to solve anything. He’s thinking too much with his downstairs and not his upstairs which thank goodness he will realize soon.
Tamashii- I agree, I think it’s something you may never forget and forgive that person for. It was a total betrayal of trust and that’s not something that can be forgotten. I love Tess too; I think she is a great character and figure in this fic and in Max’s life. She’s a good support system.
Alien_Friend- Heck, I wish I could give him a hug in person. He’s going about things in the worst way and soon enough he’ll take a good look at himself. Ah, don’t worry about Tess though.
LairaBehr4
Maya
roswell4life
Emz80m- I agree. I’m glad that someone can sort of see it from my perspective.
begonia9508- Exactly! He shouldn’t use it as an excuse and if he was damaged by the sex then why does he continue to have useless sex with meaningless girls.
pookie76- What comes around goes around. So in this case I hope it bites him in the ass really hard. No need to worry we are both a dreamer at heart and wouldn’t dare have it any other way.
Veronica- ahhahahahhah man whore/ bicycle. I love that! Trust me; I’m not going to let him come off easy.
Thetvgeneral- Steph! I forgot you read this! It really is a never ending cycle of angst and even more angst. We just can’t have a happy moment, sadly.
Addicted2AmberEyes- I think that if he would have held onto his friends for support that he might have turned out different.
max and liz believer- There should be like a sequel of this story that should be solely based on the downfall of Max Evans. Ah so much could be written. I just believe that someone (preferably Liz) throw a huge brick at his head and make him rationalize everything. I’m glad that you’re proud of Liz, which makes me happy! I think well I write her so I don’t count but Liz going to apologize was trying to make very small amends. I mean obviously it’s not going to take much affect because she did the worst possible thing ever. The way Max stepped all over her though as she was trying to say what she needed to say. Thanks!
Mezz
*DreamKeeper- Aha! I'm so glad we're seeing eye-to-eye on this situation. I completely agree that there's a total double standard when it comes to this kind of thing. It's very interesting to step back and analyze. Loved your opinions! - Spray
Flamehair- Thanks so much! I’m sorry that you had to go through that it must have been very difficult. Also, congrats on your baby!!!
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers- I still think you rock!
*sweetbrowneyes- I've noticed that trend with Roswell fans (defending Liz, no matter what). I'm a big supporter of Max's character in the show and fics, because I can always see his rationalization. To me, Liz seems like she rationalizes things less than everyone else. But, that could just be my own train of thought. As soon as this idea came to my head, I knew I had to write it, simply because of the implications and wanting to see if people would still jump to her defense. It's very interesting to watch unfold. - Spray
P.S. This is the longest chapter I have ever written!!! - Dreamerfrvrp3
Part 9
Liz’s POV
"Learning To Breathe"
Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way
That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way
These last couple days have given me time to think about Max. I think that there was something more between us. We had an amazing friendship and I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. And now I’ve ruined it. I need to talk to him, to get through to him somehow.
I pound twice on the door. “Come on Max, please open up,” I scream. Yesterday’s chat didn’t go as well as planned, so I’m back to try again. “I know you hate me, but I need you to just listen to me.”
I slam my fist against the door and swallow my tears away. I am so lost in my own thoughts, that I don’t hear the elevator doors open and someone come walking my way.
“Is Max not home?” she asks. I get up so fast that I have to grab onto the door for support. Just Tess. I wonder what she’s doing here. Maybe Max has called her to tell her to get rid of me.
“I guess not. I’ve been well knocking on his door for the past 10 minutes, but I figured he might be ignoring me as usual,” I rant. Tess was about the last person I expected to see, though it shouldn’t have come as a surprise seeing as how she’s replaced me in the best friend spot.
“Typical. He’s always late,” she purses her lips. She digs into her purse and pulls out a key chain. “Thank God for small favors, huh?”
“My key!” My eyes widen in shock as I stare at it. In Tess’s hand is my silver key to Max’s apartment. I wouldn’t have known it if weren’t for the roses I painted on the rim. “Sorry,” I apologize when she looks at me like I have four heads. “That used to be mine… and I didn’t know he gave it to… you.”
“Oh, well, I guess it’s just a best friend thing,” she says pointedly. I manage a tight smile and wonder if that really is funny. I still can’t get over the fact that she has my key. He gave her my special key.
“Probably, since you have my key,” I snap without realizing. “I’m sorry, it’s been a bad couple of weeks.”
“Well, you kind of brought it on yourself,” she tells me as she pushes the door to his apartment open. I deserved that, most definitely. “But, whatever. That’s between you and Max. And I’m assuming Max isn’t going to be here anytime soon.”
“Wait, I’m staying here. I really need to talk to Max, and it’s something I really have to do, so, whether you hate me or not, I just have to talk to him,” I rush out before she can shut the door. I can tell by the look on her face that she’s considering what Max will say when he finds me in his apartment, but she lets me in anyway.
We awkwardly sit on the couch together not knowing what to say to each other. I began to fiddle with my purse strap as I hear a snort of laughter.
“What’s so funny?” I ask out of curiosity. She looks at me for a second and starts laughing hysterically while pointing at the paper figures cluttering the guys’ apartment. My origami! I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before it is taking up every free space in the room and then some. Tess is making fun of my origami! The war is on; nobody can insult my origami masterpieces and get away with it. “Is there something wrong with the pieces of art?”
“Art? Not at all,” She manages as she clutches stomach. “I mean seriously, does anyone make origami anymore? I thought that was an outdated Asian thing?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” I glare at her. Then I realize what we are talking about, and I begin laughing with her. I justify it, “Well, I had nothing better to do and I can’t knit to save my life.”
“So, you made dragons and butterflies out of colorful paper instead?” she retorts. “There are other hobbies floating around, you know.”
“Well, I was all out of ideas and origami sounded like a peaceful thing to do,” I feign hurt. “It paid off, though. It kept me busy for a while, took my mind of things for a minute and a half.”
“Why did you do it?” she asks. She’s not laughing or being sarcastic anymore. Suddenly, the mood changes from light to serious. Even though she doesn’t go on any further, I know exactly what she’s talking about. Somehow I’m clutching onto Tess as if she’s my only chance at getting Max back.
“Honestly, I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I was so incredibly hurt, but I didn’t think about what I was doing. He was my best friend, but that wasn’t why I went to him. I realize now that it was more than that. I never meant to hurt him.. I do care about him, and I love him so much, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get him back. He’ll never understand I just want him to know,” I share as I blink back the oncoming rush of tears.
“You were wrong, though; he did love you. You were just too blind to notice,” she tells me.
In the past, I could always remember Maria or Isabel constantly bugging me about Max’s feelings toward me, and how they weren’t always the friendship kind. I never thought that he could love me in any romantic way. I can remember days where things between Max and I would be off after hanging out or being with the group having all eyes on us the entire time. Maybe, his feelings weren’t always friendly.
Before I can recover from that piece of news, the front door slams open and there is Max. His clothes are wrinkled and I don’t even want to think of how they got to be that way.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was, I thought I had to see him, but now I’m overcome with fear and nerves and I don’t know what else. Our conversation from a few days ago is still very fresh in my mind. His words were like ice, so cold and harsh. I’ve never even heard him speak like that before, and it wasn’t the Max I knew anymore.
"What the hell do you want now, Liz?" Behold how the Ice Man cometh again.
"I never actually got to do any talking the other day, and I'm not leaving until you hear me out."
He walks over to Tess and greets her with a kiss on the cheek, "I've got plans. Tess and I are going to lunch."
“I'm sure Tess doesn't mind if we talk for a few minutes. It's not like you weren't already late," I point out.
He glares at me. Tess looks back and forth at the two of us, coming to a realization. She slings her purse over her shoulder, moving towards the door, "Max, I actually just remembered that I forgot that I have an appointment with..." She's gone before he can process it.
"I came here because I want to apologize again. I know that you don't care what I say anymore, and that no matter what I do you're not going to forgive me. But I'm not letting this go. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this up to you. I realize that it's my fault that we are in this mess, and that I was wrong and stupid and so incredibly selfish. I wish I could go back and fix what I did, because then we could still be best friends and you wouldn't be like you are right now," I explain.
He's looking at me with a mask of blankness. He eyes me, "What's that supposed to mean? ‘You wouldn't be like you are right now?'"
"Oh, come on. You’re not fooling anyone, Max. You've changed, and you know it. You’re drinking, you’re sleeping around, and you don’t care about anyone, not even your sister or your other friends. You aren't the real Max Evans anymore, and I'm the reason why!" I cry. I’m no longer afraid of his loud voice or his shocking actions.
"Fuck. off." He crosses his arms angrily, taking a few steps towards me. "You lost the right to judge me or my way of living the second you threw me on the bed that night, Liz. And you're right. You are the reason I changed. But I'm still me - probably even more me than before. And I fuckin' love it."
"What the hell is the matter with you?" I scream. ""You're a wreck, Max and you have been since that night. You can't replace emotion with sex and booze. You’re more than that. You’re better than that.”
"Liz, why the fuck are you here?! You talked; I heard you, and now what? You're going to sit here and criticize the way I'm living? I don't want to see you anymore, Liz. I don't want to look at you. I don't want to be around you. Hell, I’m fucking moving because of you. Leave me the hell alone. I'm doing fine without you."
He’s moving? All I can think is, he’s moving? He’s moving to get away from me. He hates me that much. Max hates me.
“If you’re just going to stand there gaping, would you mind taking it somewhere else? I still have lunch plans that you’re in the way of.”
And now I’m snapping. “What do you want me to do, Max, say I’m sorry? I’ve said it a hundred times, but I’ll say it again if that’s what you want I’m sorry. I'm sorry that I ruined your life and I'm sorry that you have to move out. But you have everything you need right here. You have your friends and family who have been here for you and who just want you back. You shouldn’t have to move. And you know what, I'm fuckin’ sorry that I have to stand in front of you and apologize for doing this to you."
He sets his jaw, "You didn't answer me. Why. Are. You. Here?"
"I already told you why, Max. Because I want to talk to you. I don’t want things to be like this. I'm sick and tired of all this fighting. I understand that we can't go back to the way we were before, but I can't stand it anymore. I'm lost and I’m afraid and I don't know what to do," I tell him, wiping away the tears that are falling.
He snaps, "YOU don't know what to do?! YOU don't?! I'm sorry, did YOUR best friend use you as a sex toy and then run out immediately after your use had expired?! You brought this on yourself, Liz. But if it's so damn important for you to get my forgiveness, fine. I forgive you for fucking me so that you could get to Kyle. I forgive you for using me. I forgive you for doing all of this and not realizing that I fucking LOVE you. But I don't forgive you for being a selfish slut."
Before I can control myself, I lift my right fist and react out of instinct. I put as much weight as I can behind it and connect my hand with his jaw. I lash out, mimicking the cold tone he used on me. "You don't get to call me a slut anymore."
And then I run. I run back to my apartment as fast as I can.
As soon as I reach my room, I act on impulse. I feel incredibly claustrophobic here. I need to get away. I’m being boxed in with the constant reminder of my mistakes. I just need to go somewhere for a while, where no one knows who I am and what I did. I need space. I grab my suitcase and stuff it full of clothes and anything else that I might need.
Before I head back into the chilly weather, I grab an icepack and place it on my right hand. My hand that is turning all sorts of colors. My hand that I hit him with. I don’t know why I did, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My ex-best friend didn’t know how much those words hurt. I hail a taxi and begin my journey to the unknown.
“Where we goin’ lady?” the driver asks. I think for a second and decide that the nearest bus station would be the easiest choice of transportation, especially since no one brings their car to New York.
“Port Authority, please,” I tell him. I figure that when I get there, I can decide where I want to take my long weekend. By this time, the icepack on my hand has begun to melt and the swelling has gone down.
“So, where you heading?” He questions.
“I don’t know yet,” I murmur.
He looks at me through the rear view window and says, “Yeah, the city can get to everybody sometimes.”
We arrive; I pay him the fare and head inside to choose a destination. It’s crowded inside with groups and couples and friends lugging their baggage and ski equipment around, getting ready for the weekend, The sight of this makes me feel as though I’m the only person left alone in the world. I’ve got nobody left to smile at me or make me laugh.
I look over the schedule to find the first bus leaving for somewhere that I’ve never heard of. I don’t care if I go there or not, I just need to get out of there.. I buy my ticket and board the bus. Once I’m settled in my seat, I pull out my journal and bare my soul in the first entry I’ve made in a long time.
I’m not sure who I am anymore. A month ago, I was just normal Liz Parker who never did anything wrong. Now I’m Liz Parker the Whore who took away Max’s virginity. Who used him and ruined the best thing she had in her life. Everything’s fallen apart and I feel like I can’t control my life anymore. I’ve tried so hard to fix things, but I just keep making them worse. I went to apologize to him. He said the most awful things to me. I know I deserved them, so I stood there and took it until I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to my room and licked my wounds and worked up the strength to go back there again. This time was worse. And I lost it. I punched him. With the right hook that he taught me when he was teaching me self-defense.
I know I’m scum. I know I used him in the worst way one person can use another. I know there aren’t enough brownie points in the world to make this better. I know asking for forgiveness isn’t enough to make it so that this never happened.
After I have a breather. I hate the person I’m becoming, who hurts people, who hits them. I need to figure out who I am before I can figure out what happens next
I shut my journal and slowly drift off to sleep. I wake up to the sound of voices. I turn to look outside and spot a sign.
Welcome to Hyde Park, New York
Perfect. A nice small town with nice people in the middle of nowhere. As I stand to get off the bus, I pull out my cell phone and turn it off. I want to leave everything behind for a couple of days - no distractions. I grab my bag, step off of the bus and continue across the road to a little bed & breakfast called the Journey Inn. I walk over to the front desk where a young man is sitting.
“Hi, can I please book a room for the next two nights?” I ask politely. He looks up from his book and stares at me for a minute. I guess they don’t get that many young people here.
“Uh, sure. The Vanderbilt Suite is our only availability,” he clears his throat. I nod and he hands over the key as I hand him my emergency credit card. “I’ll take your bag up for you.”
“Thanks,” I say. He leads me up a flight of stairs to a spacious room with a large bed and sitting area. Exactly what I was looking for.
The guy tries to make small talk, but my chilly responses finally get the point across that I’m not in the mood to talk. I tip him as he leaves and begin to unpack some of my clothes into the armoire. I slowly put my clothes in and the days’ events hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m exhausted and drained and can’t resist the pull to lie down for a quick nap on the comfortable bed.
---------------------------------------------------------
I don’t wake up again until early the next morning. Refreshed but not better, I shower and dress quickly. I know they offer breakfast here, but I don’t want to be on the receptive end of Mr. Chatty’s overtures again, so I walk out the door and down the street. I find a small bakery where I buy a delicious-looking croissant and some tea. It’s a warm day for winter, so after I finish eating at one of the tables inside I wander around, breathing in the fresh air until I find a small park. I sit down on a cold bench and imagine what the town must look like in autumn, when all the trees that are bare and frozen now are overflowing with colored leaves.
I hear a rustling behind me and see an old lady approaching the bench with her dog.
“You don’t mind if I sit, do you?” she asks. I shake my head, not in any mood to talk. “Whew, such a gorgeous day out, wouldn’t you agree?” I nod again, still not saying a word. I go back into my internal musings when she says something that makes me sit up and pay attention.
“You’re just running from the problem,” she states in a quiet voice.
“Excuse me?”
“There are no answers here for you, dear, it’s just a nice place to escape to,” she continues on.
All I want to know is who put the “I Want To Talk” sign on my forehead.
“Everyone makes mistakes,” she keeps going, “and everyone does horrible things. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and own them. Running from them just makes matters worse. Once you stop running from your problems, you’re forced to confront them. And once you confront them, you vanquish them. Believe me, it’s so much better than running.”
The cynical New Yorker in me thinks about telling this woman to bugger off. That she doesn’t know anything about me or my problems. But another part of me, probably the small town girl, feels reassured by this woman telling me that it still might be okay. There’s safety in the hypotheticals she speaks in. For some reason I feel like this stranger may be what I was looking for.
“But what if you’re scared that what you are running from isn’t fixable?” I ask her in a small voice.
“You won’t know that until you go back and keep on trying to fix it,” she reasons. I look up at her with tears in my eyes as she gets up to leave.
I take a few more moments to collect whatever strength and courage I have left in me before I run back to the inn and throw all my stuff back into the bag. I check the bus schedule, check out of my room early, and practically run over to the bus kiosk to buy a ticket back to the city.
The bus ride back takes an eternity, and I wonder if what I’m doing is worth it. I don’t really have a game plan; I don’t even know how I’m going to manage to have a civil conversation with Max at all. All I really know is that what’s going on with Max isn’t as cut and dry as he wants me to think it is. Max used to think that sex was special, and now he’s using it like a game or a weapon. Or both. I’m disgusted that I’m the one who set off the chain of events that made him like this, but at the same time I’ve suddenly found some clarity. As long as he’s acting like this, it means that he’s still hurting because of me. And as long as he’s still hurting, he still cares. And as long as he still cares, then maybe there’s a chance that he still loves me.
And if he still loves me, then there’s a chance that I can still find a way to make this better.
I take the subway back to my apartment. There’s a stop only about a block and a half from my building. The wind is howling madly today, whipping my hair into my eyes as I’m running along. I have to use my elbow to try to keep from flying out of my bag. The top only closes with a single magnetic snap, and it lost its efficiency long ago. If I’d been smart, I’d have taken a suitcase or something that closed all the way, but it’s probably best not to open that can of beans right now.
I turn the corner and cross the street. A momentary lapse of concentration causes my journal to fly out, landing just outside the white lines of the crosswalk. I quickly crouch down to pick it up as I hear yells from somewhere. All of the sudden, I feel an impact and as my eyes flicker open and shut.
And then it all turns to black.
Song - Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot
AN: Thanks for all the feedback I can speak for us both and say that we really love to hear what you think. It means so much that you guys have opinions and enjoy this fic even though it’s been a bumpy ride. I had left some feed back on the last part that may have offended some of you. It was my view only and I know that a lot of you didn’t agree. I think it came from the fact that Liz is my character, sort of like my baby. When I write her I try to put myself in her shoes so that the thoughts and actions are easier to understand, and I try to draw emotions from her that I would feel. I guess, it’s the fact that I was defended my character because I can see where she is coming from. Yeah, her actions weren’t smart and a matter of fact they were beyond stupid. If I was a reader I think instead of one of the writes I would support Max without another thought. *Cough* Even though he isn’t thinking clearly and his actions aren’t so great either. Though, what makes this story so fun to write is sharing the work with a wonderful writer who is just amazing to work with and I can’t even begin to compare myself to her. She has such great talent for writing and I respect her a lot and her writing. I know this probably sounds utterly cheesy but to have this opportunity to be side by side with her is…words can’t even describe. We both have tons of fun writing this because of our opposing views… I love it. I’m totally done rambling now on to my response to your great feedback.
flyawayraven- Be careful what you wish for
.roswell3053- Yeah, I don’t think the way Max is acting is going to solve anything. He’s thinking too much with his downstairs and not his upstairs which thank goodness he will realize soon.
Tamashii- I agree, I think it’s something you may never forget and forgive that person for. It was a total betrayal of trust and that’s not something that can be forgotten. I love Tess too; I think she is a great character and figure in this fic and in Max’s life. She’s a good support system.
Alien_Friend- Heck, I wish I could give him a hug in person. He’s going about things in the worst way and soon enough he’ll take a good look at himself. Ah, don’t worry about Tess though.
LairaBehr4
Maya
roswell4life
Emz80m- I agree. I’m glad that someone can sort of see it from my perspective.
begonia9508- Exactly! He shouldn’t use it as an excuse and if he was damaged by the sex then why does he continue to have useless sex with meaningless girls.
pookie76- What comes around goes around. So in this case I hope it bites him in the ass really hard. No need to worry we are both a dreamer at heart and wouldn’t dare have it any other way.
Veronica- ahhahahahhah man whore/ bicycle. I love that! Trust me; I’m not going to let him come off easy.
Thetvgeneral- Steph! I forgot you read this! It really is a never ending cycle of angst and even more angst. We just can’t have a happy moment, sadly.
Addicted2AmberEyes- I think that if he would have held onto his friends for support that he might have turned out different.
max and liz believer- There should be like a sequel of this story that should be solely based on the downfall of Max Evans. Ah so much could be written. I just believe that someone (preferably Liz) throw a huge brick at his head and make him rationalize everything. I’m glad that you’re proud of Liz, which makes me happy! I think well I write her so I don’t count but Liz going to apologize was trying to make very small amends. I mean obviously it’s not going to take much affect because she did the worst possible thing ever. The way Max stepped all over her though as she was trying to say what she needed to say. Thanks!
Mezz
*DreamKeeper- Aha! I'm so glad we're seeing eye-to-eye on this situation. I completely agree that there's a total double standard when it comes to this kind of thing. It's very interesting to step back and analyze. Loved your opinions! - Spray
Flamehair- Thanks so much! I’m sorry that you had to go through that it must have been very difficult. Also, congrats on your baby!!!
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers- I still think you rock!
*sweetbrowneyes- I've noticed that trend with Roswell fans (defending Liz, no matter what). I'm a big supporter of Max's character in the show and fics, because I can always see his rationalization. To me, Liz seems like she rationalizes things less than everyone else. But, that could just be my own train of thought. As soon as this idea came to my head, I knew I had to write it, simply because of the implications and wanting to see if people would still jump to her defense. It's very interesting to watch unfold. - Spray
P.S. This is the longest chapter I have ever written!!! - Dreamerfrvrp3
Part 9
Liz’s POV
"Learning To Breathe"
Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way
That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I'm Yours
This is the way
This is the way
These last couple days have given me time to think about Max. I think that there was something more between us. We had an amazing friendship and I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me. And now I’ve ruined it. I need to talk to him, to get through to him somehow.
I pound twice on the door. “Come on Max, please open up,” I scream. Yesterday’s chat didn’t go as well as planned, so I’m back to try again. “I know you hate me, but I need you to just listen to me.”
I slam my fist against the door and swallow my tears away. I am so lost in my own thoughts, that I don’t hear the elevator doors open and someone come walking my way.
“Is Max not home?” she asks. I get up so fast that I have to grab onto the door for support. Just Tess. I wonder what she’s doing here. Maybe Max has called her to tell her to get rid of me.
“I guess not. I’ve been well knocking on his door for the past 10 minutes, but I figured he might be ignoring me as usual,” I rant. Tess was about the last person I expected to see, though it shouldn’t have come as a surprise seeing as how she’s replaced me in the best friend spot.
“Typical. He’s always late,” she purses her lips. She digs into her purse and pulls out a key chain. “Thank God for small favors, huh?”
“My key!” My eyes widen in shock as I stare at it. In Tess’s hand is my silver key to Max’s apartment. I wouldn’t have known it if weren’t for the roses I painted on the rim. “Sorry,” I apologize when she looks at me like I have four heads. “That used to be mine… and I didn’t know he gave it to… you.”
“Oh, well, I guess it’s just a best friend thing,” she says pointedly. I manage a tight smile and wonder if that really is funny. I still can’t get over the fact that she has my key. He gave her my special key.
“Probably, since you have my key,” I snap without realizing. “I’m sorry, it’s been a bad couple of weeks.”
“Well, you kind of brought it on yourself,” she tells me as she pushes the door to his apartment open. I deserved that, most definitely. “But, whatever. That’s between you and Max. And I’m assuming Max isn’t going to be here anytime soon.”
“Wait, I’m staying here. I really need to talk to Max, and it’s something I really have to do, so, whether you hate me or not, I just have to talk to him,” I rush out before she can shut the door. I can tell by the look on her face that she’s considering what Max will say when he finds me in his apartment, but she lets me in anyway.
We awkwardly sit on the couch together not knowing what to say to each other. I began to fiddle with my purse strap as I hear a snort of laughter.
“What’s so funny?” I ask out of curiosity. She looks at me for a second and starts laughing hysterically while pointing at the paper figures cluttering the guys’ apartment. My origami! I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before it is taking up every free space in the room and then some. Tess is making fun of my origami! The war is on; nobody can insult my origami masterpieces and get away with it. “Is there something wrong with the pieces of art?”
“Art? Not at all,” She manages as she clutches stomach. “I mean seriously, does anyone make origami anymore? I thought that was an outdated Asian thing?”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” I glare at her. Then I realize what we are talking about, and I begin laughing with her. I justify it, “Well, I had nothing better to do and I can’t knit to save my life.”
“So, you made dragons and butterflies out of colorful paper instead?” she retorts. “There are other hobbies floating around, you know.”
“Well, I was all out of ideas and origami sounded like a peaceful thing to do,” I feign hurt. “It paid off, though. It kept me busy for a while, took my mind of things for a minute and a half.”
“Why did you do it?” she asks. She’s not laughing or being sarcastic anymore. Suddenly, the mood changes from light to serious. Even though she doesn’t go on any further, I know exactly what she’s talking about. Somehow I’m clutching onto Tess as if she’s my only chance at getting Max back.
“Honestly, I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and I was so incredibly hurt, but I didn’t think about what I was doing. He was my best friend, but that wasn’t why I went to him. I realize now that it was more than that. I never meant to hurt him.. I do care about him, and I love him so much, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get him back. He’ll never understand I just want him to know,” I share as I blink back the oncoming rush of tears.
“You were wrong, though; he did love you. You were just too blind to notice,” she tells me.
In the past, I could always remember Maria or Isabel constantly bugging me about Max’s feelings toward me, and how they weren’t always the friendship kind. I never thought that he could love me in any romantic way. I can remember days where things between Max and I would be off after hanging out or being with the group having all eyes on us the entire time. Maybe, his feelings weren’t always friendly.
Before I can recover from that piece of news, the front door slams open and there is Max. His clothes are wrinkled and I don’t even want to think of how they got to be that way.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was, I thought I had to see him, but now I’m overcome with fear and nerves and I don’t know what else. Our conversation from a few days ago is still very fresh in my mind. His words were like ice, so cold and harsh. I’ve never even heard him speak like that before, and it wasn’t the Max I knew anymore.
"What the hell do you want now, Liz?" Behold how the Ice Man cometh again.
"I never actually got to do any talking the other day, and I'm not leaving until you hear me out."
He walks over to Tess and greets her with a kiss on the cheek, "I've got plans. Tess and I are going to lunch."
“I'm sure Tess doesn't mind if we talk for a few minutes. It's not like you weren't already late," I point out.
He glares at me. Tess looks back and forth at the two of us, coming to a realization. She slings her purse over her shoulder, moving towards the door, "Max, I actually just remembered that I forgot that I have an appointment with..." She's gone before he can process it.
"I came here because I want to apologize again. I know that you don't care what I say anymore, and that no matter what I do you're not going to forgive me. But I'm not letting this go. I'm going to do whatever I can to make this up to you. I realize that it's my fault that we are in this mess, and that I was wrong and stupid and so incredibly selfish. I wish I could go back and fix what I did, because then we could still be best friends and you wouldn't be like you are right now," I explain.
He's looking at me with a mask of blankness. He eyes me, "What's that supposed to mean? ‘You wouldn't be like you are right now?'"
"Oh, come on. You’re not fooling anyone, Max. You've changed, and you know it. You’re drinking, you’re sleeping around, and you don’t care about anyone, not even your sister or your other friends. You aren't the real Max Evans anymore, and I'm the reason why!" I cry. I’m no longer afraid of his loud voice or his shocking actions.
"Fuck. off." He crosses his arms angrily, taking a few steps towards me. "You lost the right to judge me or my way of living the second you threw me on the bed that night, Liz. And you're right. You are the reason I changed. But I'm still me - probably even more me than before. And I fuckin' love it."
"What the hell is the matter with you?" I scream. ""You're a wreck, Max and you have been since that night. You can't replace emotion with sex and booze. You’re more than that. You’re better than that.”
"Liz, why the fuck are you here?! You talked; I heard you, and now what? You're going to sit here and criticize the way I'm living? I don't want to see you anymore, Liz. I don't want to look at you. I don't want to be around you. Hell, I’m fucking moving because of you. Leave me the hell alone. I'm doing fine without you."
He’s moving? All I can think is, he’s moving? He’s moving to get away from me. He hates me that much. Max hates me.
“If you’re just going to stand there gaping, would you mind taking it somewhere else? I still have lunch plans that you’re in the way of.”
And now I’m snapping. “What do you want me to do, Max, say I’m sorry? I’ve said it a hundred times, but I’ll say it again if that’s what you want I’m sorry. I'm sorry that I ruined your life and I'm sorry that you have to move out. But you have everything you need right here. You have your friends and family who have been here for you and who just want you back. You shouldn’t have to move. And you know what, I'm fuckin’ sorry that I have to stand in front of you and apologize for doing this to you."
He sets his jaw, "You didn't answer me. Why. Are. You. Here?"
"I already told you why, Max. Because I want to talk to you. I don’t want things to be like this. I'm sick and tired of all this fighting. I understand that we can't go back to the way we were before, but I can't stand it anymore. I'm lost and I’m afraid and I don't know what to do," I tell him, wiping away the tears that are falling.
He snaps, "YOU don't know what to do?! YOU don't?! I'm sorry, did YOUR best friend use you as a sex toy and then run out immediately after your use had expired?! You brought this on yourself, Liz. But if it's so damn important for you to get my forgiveness, fine. I forgive you for fucking me so that you could get to Kyle. I forgive you for using me. I forgive you for doing all of this and not realizing that I fucking LOVE you. But I don't forgive you for being a selfish slut."
Before I can control myself, I lift my right fist and react out of instinct. I put as much weight as I can behind it and connect my hand with his jaw. I lash out, mimicking the cold tone he used on me. "You don't get to call me a slut anymore."
And then I run. I run back to my apartment as fast as I can.
As soon as I reach my room, I act on impulse. I feel incredibly claustrophobic here. I need to get away. I’m being boxed in with the constant reminder of my mistakes. I just need to go somewhere for a while, where no one knows who I am and what I did. I need space. I grab my suitcase and stuff it full of clothes and anything else that I might need.
Before I head back into the chilly weather, I grab an icepack and place it on my right hand. My hand that is turning all sorts of colors. My hand that I hit him with. I don’t know why I did, but I couldn’t take it anymore. My ex-best friend didn’t know how much those words hurt. I hail a taxi and begin my journey to the unknown.
“Where we goin’ lady?” the driver asks. I think for a second and decide that the nearest bus station would be the easiest choice of transportation, especially since no one brings their car to New York.
“Port Authority, please,” I tell him. I figure that when I get there, I can decide where I want to take my long weekend. By this time, the icepack on my hand has begun to melt and the swelling has gone down.
“So, where you heading?” He questions.
“I don’t know yet,” I murmur.
He looks at me through the rear view window and says, “Yeah, the city can get to everybody sometimes.”
We arrive; I pay him the fare and head inside to choose a destination. It’s crowded inside with groups and couples and friends lugging their baggage and ski equipment around, getting ready for the weekend, The sight of this makes me feel as though I’m the only person left alone in the world. I’ve got nobody left to smile at me or make me laugh.
I look over the schedule to find the first bus leaving for somewhere that I’ve never heard of. I don’t care if I go there or not, I just need to get out of there.. I buy my ticket and board the bus. Once I’m settled in my seat, I pull out my journal and bare my soul in the first entry I’ve made in a long time.
I’m not sure who I am anymore. A month ago, I was just normal Liz Parker who never did anything wrong. Now I’m Liz Parker the Whore who took away Max’s virginity. Who used him and ruined the best thing she had in her life. Everything’s fallen apart and I feel like I can’t control my life anymore. I’ve tried so hard to fix things, but I just keep making them worse. I went to apologize to him. He said the most awful things to me. I know I deserved them, so I stood there and took it until I couldn’t take it anymore. I went to my room and licked my wounds and worked up the strength to go back there again. This time was worse. And I lost it. I punched him. With the right hook that he taught me when he was teaching me self-defense.
I know I’m scum. I know I used him in the worst way one person can use another. I know there aren’t enough brownie points in the world to make this better. I know asking for forgiveness isn’t enough to make it so that this never happened.
After I have a breather. I hate the person I’m becoming, who hurts people, who hits them. I need to figure out who I am before I can figure out what happens next
I shut my journal and slowly drift off to sleep. I wake up to the sound of voices. I turn to look outside and spot a sign.
Welcome to Hyde Park, New York
Perfect. A nice small town with nice people in the middle of nowhere. As I stand to get off the bus, I pull out my cell phone and turn it off. I want to leave everything behind for a couple of days - no distractions. I grab my bag, step off of the bus and continue across the road to a little bed & breakfast called the Journey Inn. I walk over to the front desk where a young man is sitting.
“Hi, can I please book a room for the next two nights?” I ask politely. He looks up from his book and stares at me for a minute. I guess they don’t get that many young people here.
“Uh, sure. The Vanderbilt Suite is our only availability,” he clears his throat. I nod and he hands over the key as I hand him my emergency credit card. “I’ll take your bag up for you.”
“Thanks,” I say. He leads me up a flight of stairs to a spacious room with a large bed and sitting area. Exactly what I was looking for.
The guy tries to make small talk, but my chilly responses finally get the point across that I’m not in the mood to talk. I tip him as he leaves and begin to unpack some of my clothes into the armoire. I slowly put my clothes in and the days’ events hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m exhausted and drained and can’t resist the pull to lie down for a quick nap on the comfortable bed.
---------------------------------------------------------
I don’t wake up again until early the next morning. Refreshed but not better, I shower and dress quickly. I know they offer breakfast here, but I don’t want to be on the receptive end of Mr. Chatty’s overtures again, so I walk out the door and down the street. I find a small bakery where I buy a delicious-looking croissant and some tea. It’s a warm day for winter, so after I finish eating at one of the tables inside I wander around, breathing in the fresh air until I find a small park. I sit down on a cold bench and imagine what the town must look like in autumn, when all the trees that are bare and frozen now are overflowing with colored leaves.
I hear a rustling behind me and see an old lady approaching the bench with her dog.
“You don’t mind if I sit, do you?” she asks. I shake my head, not in any mood to talk. “Whew, such a gorgeous day out, wouldn’t you agree?” I nod again, still not saying a word. I go back into my internal musings when she says something that makes me sit up and pay attention.
“You’re just running from the problem,” she states in a quiet voice.
“Excuse me?”
“There are no answers here for you, dear, it’s just a nice place to escape to,” she continues on.
All I want to know is who put the “I Want To Talk” sign on my forehead.
“Everyone makes mistakes,” she keeps going, “and everyone does horrible things. The important thing is to learn from your mistakes and own them. Running from them just makes matters worse. Once you stop running from your problems, you’re forced to confront them. And once you confront them, you vanquish them. Believe me, it’s so much better than running.”
The cynical New Yorker in me thinks about telling this woman to bugger off. That she doesn’t know anything about me or my problems. But another part of me, probably the small town girl, feels reassured by this woman telling me that it still might be okay. There’s safety in the hypotheticals she speaks in. For some reason I feel like this stranger may be what I was looking for.
“But what if you’re scared that what you are running from isn’t fixable?” I ask her in a small voice.
“You won’t know that until you go back and keep on trying to fix it,” she reasons. I look up at her with tears in my eyes as she gets up to leave.
I take a few more moments to collect whatever strength and courage I have left in me before I run back to the inn and throw all my stuff back into the bag. I check the bus schedule, check out of my room early, and practically run over to the bus kiosk to buy a ticket back to the city.
The bus ride back takes an eternity, and I wonder if what I’m doing is worth it. I don’t really have a game plan; I don’t even know how I’m going to manage to have a civil conversation with Max at all. All I really know is that what’s going on with Max isn’t as cut and dry as he wants me to think it is. Max used to think that sex was special, and now he’s using it like a game or a weapon. Or both. I’m disgusted that I’m the one who set off the chain of events that made him like this, but at the same time I’ve suddenly found some clarity. As long as he’s acting like this, it means that he’s still hurting because of me. And as long as he’s still hurting, he still cares. And as long as he still cares, then maybe there’s a chance that he still loves me.
And if he still loves me, then there’s a chance that I can still find a way to make this better.
I take the subway back to my apartment. There’s a stop only about a block and a half from my building. The wind is howling madly today, whipping my hair into my eyes as I’m running along. I have to use my elbow to try to keep from flying out of my bag. The top only closes with a single magnetic snap, and it lost its efficiency long ago. If I’d been smart, I’d have taken a suitcase or something that closed all the way, but it’s probably best not to open that can of beans right now.
I turn the corner and cross the street. A momentary lapse of concentration causes my journal to fly out, landing just outside the white lines of the crosswalk. I quickly crouch down to pick it up as I hear yells from somewhere. All of the sudden, I feel an impact and as my eyes flicker open and shut.
And then it all turns to black.
Song - Learning to Breathe by Switchfoot
Last edited by sprayadhesive on Sat Nov 03, 2007 11:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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sprayadhesive
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Re: Broken Innocence (AU,M/L,Mature) Ch 9 p2 11/3
Sorry this took so long. My life has been insanely busy lately, with no signs of letting up, so I'm having to steal moments to write. I hope you won't be disappointed with this part. I'm fond of it. Thank you for your patience and all of your wonderful feedback. I loved reading every piece of it. Dreamerfrvrp3's going to be mad at me, but I'm exhausted so I'm just going to have to thank everyone instead of individually responding to feedback. I'll try my hardest to get the parts out sooner next time!
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Part 10
Max POV
“The Same Boy You’ve Always Known”
You fell down of course
and then you got up of course
and you started over
forgot my name of course
then you started to remember
pretty tough to think about
the beginning of decemer
pretty tough to think about
You're looking down again
and then you look me over
we're laying down again
on a blanket in the clover
the same boy you've always known
well I guess I haven't grown
the same boy you've always known
Think of what the past did
it could've lasted
so put it in your basket
I hope you know a strong man
who can lend you a hand
lowering my casket
I thought this is just today
and soon you'd been returning
the coldest blue ocean water
cannot stop my heart and mind
from burning
everyone who's in the know says
that's exactly how it goes
and if there's anything good about me
I'm the only one who knows
“I fucking love you.” I said those words to her, not minutes ago. I didn’t really mean to say it. I hadn’t wanted to say it. It just… happened. A Freudian slip, if you will. Because I didn’t want to believe it, hell I didn’t even know it was still true, until it came out of my mouth.
No matter how hard I try to not be, I am still in love with Liz Parker, the girl who walked all over me and ripped out my heart in the process.
How can I still love her?
It doesn’t make sense. I’ve distanced myself from her, I’ve done everything to forget about her, I’ve convinced myself that I hate her. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I was so busy trying to convince myself that I hated Liz, so busy making the appearance of hatred that I forgot that I had to actually follow through on the hatred and act upon it. I never actually hated her. I really, really wanted to. But I couldn’t. I don’t think I ever could.
It’s easier to pretend than face reality.
I’m not ready to completely accept reality, though. I’d rather keep pretending. Pretending is so much easier. So I hate the person that just punched my jaw.
My jaw.
I reach my hand up and feel the area that she hit. A piece of me, a piece of me that I want to deny, is secretly proud that she retained the lessons I taught her about self-defence. But I’m mostly pissed off. How dare she hit me? Hasn’t she taken enough from me already? Do I need to add assault to the list of grievances I have against Liz Parker? I thought the list was long enough as it was.
I am not ready to make amends with her. My emotions cannot handle it. I’ve tried to tell her once, twice, even three times, but she won’t listen to me. I need time. Her continually bothering me about it is not doing any good. I’m sorry that she’s hurting because of me, I really am, but she should have respected that. Then again, when has she respected me or anything to do with me lately?
I’ve been so tired lately. Pretending to hate someone is tiring. Even more tiring is trying to convince yourself that you hate them.
Whatever.
I have to stop thinking about her. I have to stop caring. I need to go back into my shell, back into my alter-ego that I have come to love.
And what the hell was Tess thinking, leaving me here with Liz?! Doesn’t she know how much Liz has hurt me?! Why would she give her the chance to talk to me? Why would Tess up and leave when she knew damn well that the last person on Earth I wanted to see tonight was Liz Parker? My world is spinning out of control again.
I slam my fist into the counter and fight to control myself. I command myself to get it together. The breathing tactics that Tess taught me aren’t working, and the self-control isn’t, either. I go to the fridge and take out the scotch that I had a friend buy for me the other day. I pour myself a good portion into a glass and down it. I slide onto the floor, my back against the cabinets and the glass sitting next to me on the floor. I sit there for a few minutes, until I can feel the effects of the alcohol.
Some of the control is returning.
I take out my cell phone and dial Tess. She answers after the first ring. I mutter into the phone, “Where are you?”
“At the coffee shop down the block from your building. Are you okay? You sound funny.”
“Am I okay? Did my supposed best friend just ditch me when she knew that I didn’t want to talk to the person I found sitting in my kitchen? The questions go hand in hand, really.”
“Max…”
“Don’t ‘Max’ me, Tess. You know I didn’t want to see her.”
“I’m coming to your apartment.”
She hangs up. I place my phone on the ground next to the glass. I don’t really care if Tess knows that I’ve been drinking. Yes, she’s gotten on my case about it recently, but I don’t care right now. If she didn’t want it to happen, she wouldn’t have allowed Liz to enter my apartment. She would have told Liz to go to Hell. I haven’t been sober for a straight day in a while. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. It’s all about the control.
Tess knocks on my door. I don’t see why. She has a key. That she apparently uses to let Liz Parker into my apartment. Did I say Liz? I meant Elizabeth. Liz is what her friends call her. Elizabeth Parker.
I yell out, telling Tess to come in. I hear her messing with the key in the lock, and then the door opens and Tess tentatively comes in to sight. She’s timid. Good. She sees the glass on the floor. Her timid manner fades into something more hardened. I hold up my hand, cutting off anything she has to say, “You don’t get to judge me tonight, Tess. Especially not after that stunt that you pulled earlier.”
She looks like she’s going to protest when her eyes zero in on my jaw. She covers her mouth with her hands, looking at me with concern, “Are you okay?”
“It’s fine. Elizabeth punched me in the jaw. Whatever. I guess I hurt her feelings with the things I was saying to her.” I shrug nonchalantly. My alter-ego is coming back easier than I had originally thought it would. It’s easy to fall back into this apathetic routine.
Tess shakes her head, “You know, I keep thinking that one of you is going to give in, and you’ll both make amends one of these days, but you keep proving my theories wrong. I understand that what she did hurt you beyond anything even you can probably imagine, and I understand that what she did could even be considered rape, yet you’re still hanging on to her no matter what you say. If you love her as much as you think you do, you’re going to have to forgive her at some point, because the love that you’ve described to me doesn’t come around every day. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. So when you’re ready to attempt at even recovering any wreckage of the friendship you and Liz once had, you’d better prepare yourself to actually have a civilized conversation with the girl. You’re absolutely determined to isolate yourself, aren’t you, Max?”
I don’t answer her. I don’t want to. I stare straight ahead, counting the seconds until she speaks again. She doesn’t. She leaves the apartment. I wonder why she didn’t punch me in the jaw like Elizabeth did. I wish that there were an easy answer to this situation. There isn’t, though. And Tess’s words keep drifting through my thoughts. “What she did could even be considered rape.” The idea of Liz – Elizabeth Parker raping someone, especially me, sounds so foreign that I almost want to dismiss it altogether. My mind clings to the notion, though. I can’t shake the words. Did she really rape me? For all intents and purposes, I had wanted to have sex with her for years. No matter how noble I may have seemed at first, if Liz had badgered me about it for a week or two, I probably would have lost all self-control and caved to her desires. So what had affected me so much? Elizabeth taking my virginity was always something I had dreamed of. I, consciously, had saved myself for her, making the choice to give myself to her fully whenever she was ready. But I didn’t give myself to her fully, did I? It was all physical. My emotions had absolutely nothing to do with anything.
What I would give to have a redo. Wait, what am I thinking? I’m putting the blame off of Elizabeth again, like she’s some glorified saint. I have to hold her responsible for her actions.
My face falls when something else comes to mind. The mere thought makes me angrily reach for the empty glass next to me and throw it bodily against the wall opposite of where I’m sitting. I had saved myself for Liz. I lashed out because things hadn’t gone my way. I slept with Pam. And Jessica. Who did I even spite in the end? Myself. Wait, what am I thinking? I didn’t spite myself. I couldn’t have. I enjoyed it. I still enjoy it. I really, truly enjoyed it. I don’t regret it. If there was one thing in the past few weeks that I wouldn’t change, it would be the night that I spent with Pam. She opened my eyes to a whole world that I never thought that I would be a part of. Yet a piece of my mind is still thinking: She wasn’t Liz
I stand up, walking through the glass shards to get out of the kitchen. I need to stop thinking about this. It’s pointless. I’m torturing myself for no reason. I’m so confused. My actions have all been justified. I haven’t done wrong, save perhaps pushing Elizabeth a little too far earlier. I go into my room and take a novel off of the stack next to my bed. I crack it open, start reading, and let myself get sucked in to a world that is not my own.
Isabel comes and sees me later that day. She says that Elizabeth never came home. No one’s talked to her in a few hours, and her phone is switched off. I tell her that Elizabeth would have her reasons for not answering her phone, and for her not to worry.
She asks me what happened to my jaw. I tell her not to worry about that, either.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I lean casually against the apartment building as I light a cigarette. I had class earlier, and I packed up a good portion of my stuff today, so I figure I deserve a little break. I worked hard.
The wind is pretty fierce. Countless women have walked by me, desperately trying to salvage their hair. Most of them are losing the battle. I think they know it, but they fight it anyway. It’s peculiar.
I watch the people crossing in the cross walk. They’re all hurrying. I love to people watch. The people coming towards me remind me of a bunch of gazelles hurrying from one location to the next, desperately trying to avoid a lion, or, in this case, a car. I smile haphazardly at my metaphor. The city is a jungle.
My smile is replaced by a sinking feeling as I see a petite woman drop something from her bag. It lands on the side of the crosswalk that is closest to the intersection, in the path of the cars that are running parallel to her course. My blood freezes as I realize that she’s going after the journal. She doesn’t see the car. I open my mouth to scream, but it’s too late. There’s a squealing of breaks. The car couldn’t stop in time to avoid hitting her. It hits her with a sickening thud, and I watch in horror as her body arches into the air and then crumples to the ground.
I run towards her, the cigarette lying forgotten on the ground by me. I’m the first bystander to reach her. My heart stops.
It’s Liz.
Not Elizabeth.
Liz.
My Liz.
My gut emotions take over, and I’m clouded by panic. I don’t know what to do. She’s on the ground, her body contorted into an awkward position. She isn’t moving. Her eyes aren’t fluttering. They’re closed. She’s pale. I think she’s dead. I couldn’t handle it if she died. Not here, not yet. I haven’t gotten into enough fights with her yet. I haven’t gotten to hear her scream at me near enough. I don’t think I’ll be able to remember the exact brown shade of her eyes if they never open again. I kneel next to her, ready to take her into my arms and break down completely when a man stops me. He says something about not moving her, how it could cause further damage to her spine. He says that he’s called the ambulance and that it’s on the way.
I can’t see anything but Liz’s form. Everything else is blurred, almost as if it’s been sped up to two times its normal speed. I feel as if I’m choking on my own tears, but I’m not crying. There’s a lump in my throat. It won’t go anywhere. I can’t understand what’s happening. Is this a nightmare?
There are muffled sounds of people speaking and a chorus of background clatter, but I can’t make out any distinct noises. I can’t do anything.
I’m getting tunnel vision. I don’t know what to do. All I can see is Liz.
The next minutes are a blur to me. First I’m in the road, then miraculously a few minutes later I zone in enough to realize I’m in an ambulance with Liz, and then what feels like a heartbeat later, I realize I’m seated in a chair in the waiting room. A vague memory comes to me of me telling the medical personnel Liz’s name and doctor, so that they can get her records. I tell them to contact Liz’s parents and Maria. They need to know what happened.
I can’t move. I am paralyzed with an emotion that I can’t identify. I blink once, and my vision momentarily focuses on my wrist watch. It’s been an hour and a half since I was smoking that cigarette. I’ve probably been sitting in this stiff chair, my elbows on my knees and my hands clutching at my hair, for a good fifty minutes. I haven’t moved a muscle since I sat down
Why hasn’t a doctor come to talk to me? They took her into the OR, so isn’t someone supposed to keep me updated on something? Maybe they have been, and I haven’t been paying attention.
Her body flying through the air keeps replaying in ghostly images across my eyes. I feel nauseas.
There’s a commotion around me. I can’t quite figure out what it is. I don’t quite want to. I shake myself out of my stupor, anyways. The waiting room comes in to clearer focus. It’s small with a few groupings of chairs placed around tables that are so low to the floor I can’t even comprehend how they’re functional. There are two doorways, one leading to one wing of the hospital and the other leading to the Emergency Room and the Operating Room. It’s the second door that I should be concerned with, but my eyes fly to the first door when I realize who’s standing there.
Maria’s standing there. She would be attacking the poor nurse who’s standing in front of her if Michael weren’t holding her back. Apparently the nurse isn’t giving Maria enough information. Maria wants to know everything. I don’t know anything. Not really. Isabel’s standing next to her, her expression soft with tears running down her cheeks. Alex is standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her in an affectionate form of comfort. None of them have noticed me. I didn’t expect them to, even though I’m the only one sitting in the waiting room. I was sitting in the furthest corner with my head hidden.
The nurse – somehow – manages to placate Maria and she says something that causes Maria to nod in defeat before walking through the doors to the OR. The group is left with no alternative then to turn and see me. They do. The all come walking forward hurriedly. They crowd around me, firing off questions.
“What are you doing here?”
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“How did you know Liz was here?”
“What happened to your jaw?”
I rub my temples with my fingers, trying to ease the headache that I feel sneaking up on me. I thought that the hospital would have at least told them that I was here with Liz. Except… I don’t think I ever told anyone who I was. They wouldn’t have known the identity of the man escorting her to the hospital.
I answer softly, trying to control my voice, “I saw the accident. I came with Liz in the ambulance.” I leave the last question’s answer out on purpose.
More questions are fired off.
“What?!”
“You’re the guy they told us about?!”
“Why didn’t you call us?!”
“How was she?!”
I keep my tone level, even though I want to scream, “I was in shock. I’m surprised I even had the sense to tell the hospital to call you guys.” I take a deep breath, during which Maria makes impatient noises with her tongue, “Bad. She was bad.” I shudder as I think about her again. The image that is burned into my brain is not a pretty one.
Michael clears his throat, something out of habit rather than necessity, “Have the doctors told you anything? We asked the nurse, but she said that she wasn’t assigned to the case and had no information about it. She said she’d try to find someone for us, though.”
I shake my head, “I haven’t really been… with it since… the accident. One might have come, but I didn’t process it.”
“You were drunk.” Maria’s tone is cold and accusing. She’s worried for her friend, and she’s lashing out at me.
My eyes get cold, “No, I wasn’t. I was in shock. You imagine how you would handle it if you saw Liz get hit by a car or if you had to hold her hand while she was unconscious on the way to the hospital or you realized that you may never be able to fully appreciate the exact shading of her eyes.” Sometime during my speech, I realize that my defensive tone changed into a soft, caring voice of… a lover. A title that I don’t hold or want to hold.
I’m so confused, but not for long. My brain won’t let me think about anything but Liz’s health. My current problem is shoved to the bottom of my priority list.
They’re all staring at me strangely. I can understand why. Alex starts to ask me another question, but I cut him off. I can’t talk anymore. I want to wait for news of Liz’s health in silence and solitude. They don’t understand, but they accept it. They take a seat in the chairs not far from my own and start their own form of concerned waiting.
They’re all banding together right now. That’s what friends do, after all. And I’m on the outside. Because I choose to be. For now.
I can tell that they all want to ask me more questions. They’re probably wondering why I was around when Liz was hit. They’re probably wondering if I know where she went last night. They’re probably wondering if Liz and I talked and got over our issues.
It doesn’t matter.
We sit around in an uncomfortable silence for a while. It could be minutes, it could be hours. I can’t tell. All I can think about is how Isabel and Maria have been crying continually since they got here. Alex and Michael are trying their best to comfort them, but their attempts are awkward and unsure. Liz is usually the one who can comfort the two of them. She’s their rock.
I stand up. I need to do something. I walk to the opposite corner of the waiting room and use their phone. I call Tess. She answers after a single ring. Her voice is shaky, “Hello?”
“Tess? What’s wrong?”
“Max. Oh my god, are you okay?!”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. At least, I think I’m okay. Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just saw the hospital on my caller ID and got worried. What’s going on?”
“It’s Liz.” My voice cracks, but I get everything back under control, “I saw her… she got hit by a car a few hours ago. She was crossing the street and – she’s in the OR right now… I don’t know if she’s going to make it. Oh shit, Tess, what if she doesn’t? Her last memories of me will be of what a complete asshole I am.”
“Max, as mad as Liz was when she last saw you, I doubt that she’ll remember you as that kind of person. Besides, you don’t even need to worry about that. She’ll make it through. She has to.”
“Why?”
“Because her soul mate is waiting for her in the waiting room. Listen, have you gotten in touch with everyone?”
Her soul mate. Tess thinks that I’m Liz’s soul mate. I don’t know what to think about that. “Yeah. They’re here.”
“I’m going to grab a few things, and then I’ll come down. Is that what you want?”
“No, Tess. It’s what I need.” Tess is my rock, like Liz is Maria’s and Isabel’s. She can get me through this.
“I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
We hang up the phone. I turn back to the group and take a seat. The others eye me like they want to say something, but they don’t. Whatever. I’m not going to pry.
Tess arrives after a little bit. She’s brought a few snacks and drinks for everyone. I don’t know if that’s allowed, but I appreciate the gesture. She’s got a small water bottle in her hand, which she hands straight to me.
She sits down next to me and whispers into my ear, “I’m not condoning what’s in that bottle, but you look like your nerves are fried and you could use a little. Besides, there’s only enough to calm you. Not near enough for a buzz.”
I nod and drink it gratefully. It does help my nerves. Thank God for Tess. She knows what I need.
Maria is glaring at Tess. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She opens her mouth suddenly, still staring at Tess, but directing her speech at me, “Tess, I think that you’re the last person Liz is going to want to see when she wakes up.”
“Oh well. I’m the first person Max needs. He’s the only one I’m concerned with right now.”
Tess fired that out before I even had a chance to process what Maria had said.
Maria scoffs, “Max isn’t the one in the operating room, now, is he?”
“No, he’s not. But he is surrounded by the likes of you, so he could probably use someone like me.”
Maria’s getting madder.
I clear my throat, “You guys need to calm down. It’s not going to help Liz any if everyone’s in panic mode when the doctor comes out.”
“Why do you even care?” Maria snaps at me, her eyes harsh, “You probably pushed her in front of the damn car.”
I freeze. My heart is in my throat. I go to retort, but Tess beats me to it. Her wrath has not ever been so great, “You heartless bitch! This isn’t about you, Blondie, so get the hell over it. Max is hurting just as much as you are. How DARE you say anything like that? He would never wish this on anyone, and you sure as hell know that he would never do anything like this to Liz! And if you say anything like that ever again, I swear I will attack you and you will not come out on top.”
This shuts everyone up. Tess shrugs and looks around the group, “If anyone wants anything, let me know and I’ll handle it. I’m here to help.” She emphasizes the last sentence and shoots another glare at Maria, but Maria doesn’t notice. She’s got her face buried back in Michael’s shoulder.
The doctor comes out a little bit later. He says that Liz is out of surgery, but they’re not sure if she’ll pull through or not. He says that she can have one visitor. Maria and I both get to our feet.
We have a staring match until Michael finally tugs on Maria’s pants and shakes his head slightly. Maria sits down. She’s not happy about it, but she’s silently giving me her permission to see Liz.
I would have gone without her permission. She doesn’t concern me. I would have yelled at her to get to Liz.
I follow the doctor down the hallway and I feel like I’m going to collapse at any second. I’m so afraid.
He opens up the door and lets me inside. I keep my eyes trained on the ground until I get enough courage to look up at Liz. My breath catches in my throat. Her arm is cast, and I think I can see the bulk of bandages on her chest where they repaired some internal bleeding. Her face is bruised worse than mine.
Yet she’s still beautiful.
And I still love her.
I love her.
I take the seat next to her, carefully placing her hand in my own.
I sit there for a few hours. Before long, it’s drifted into early morning. The doctors have tried to tell me that Liz isn’t allowed to have visitors at all hours of the day. I don’t listen. They seem to understand. They cut me some slack.
It’s four in the morning, and I’m about to fall asleep. I whisper the words to her, finally having found the strength I need to make them audible. “I love you.” I do what I want to do, even though I know it’s selfish and doesn’t make sense at all. I lightly press my lips against hers.
Her eyelids flutter.
TBC...
Song: The Same Boy You've Always Known by The White Stripes
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Part 10
Max POV
“The Same Boy You’ve Always Known”
You fell down of course
and then you got up of course
and you started over
forgot my name of course
then you started to remember
pretty tough to think about
the beginning of decemer
pretty tough to think about
You're looking down again
and then you look me over
we're laying down again
on a blanket in the clover
the same boy you've always known
well I guess I haven't grown
the same boy you've always known
Think of what the past did
it could've lasted
so put it in your basket
I hope you know a strong man
who can lend you a hand
lowering my casket
I thought this is just today
and soon you'd been returning
the coldest blue ocean water
cannot stop my heart and mind
from burning
everyone who's in the know says
that's exactly how it goes
and if there's anything good about me
I'm the only one who knows
“I fucking love you.” I said those words to her, not minutes ago. I didn’t really mean to say it. I hadn’t wanted to say it. It just… happened. A Freudian slip, if you will. Because I didn’t want to believe it, hell I didn’t even know it was still true, until it came out of my mouth.
No matter how hard I try to not be, I am still in love with Liz Parker, the girl who walked all over me and ripped out my heart in the process.
How can I still love her?
It doesn’t make sense. I’ve distanced myself from her, I’ve done everything to forget about her, I’ve convinced myself that I hate her. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I was so busy trying to convince myself that I hated Liz, so busy making the appearance of hatred that I forgot that I had to actually follow through on the hatred and act upon it. I never actually hated her. I really, really wanted to. But I couldn’t. I don’t think I ever could.
It’s easier to pretend than face reality.
I’m not ready to completely accept reality, though. I’d rather keep pretending. Pretending is so much easier. So I hate the person that just punched my jaw.
My jaw.
I reach my hand up and feel the area that she hit. A piece of me, a piece of me that I want to deny, is secretly proud that she retained the lessons I taught her about self-defence. But I’m mostly pissed off. How dare she hit me? Hasn’t she taken enough from me already? Do I need to add assault to the list of grievances I have against Liz Parker? I thought the list was long enough as it was.
I am not ready to make amends with her. My emotions cannot handle it. I’ve tried to tell her once, twice, even three times, but she won’t listen to me. I need time. Her continually bothering me about it is not doing any good. I’m sorry that she’s hurting because of me, I really am, but she should have respected that. Then again, when has she respected me or anything to do with me lately?
I’ve been so tired lately. Pretending to hate someone is tiring. Even more tiring is trying to convince yourself that you hate them.
Whatever.
I have to stop thinking about her. I have to stop caring. I need to go back into my shell, back into my alter-ego that I have come to love.
And what the hell was Tess thinking, leaving me here with Liz?! Doesn’t she know how much Liz has hurt me?! Why would she give her the chance to talk to me? Why would Tess up and leave when she knew damn well that the last person on Earth I wanted to see tonight was Liz Parker? My world is spinning out of control again.
I slam my fist into the counter and fight to control myself. I command myself to get it together. The breathing tactics that Tess taught me aren’t working, and the self-control isn’t, either. I go to the fridge and take out the scotch that I had a friend buy for me the other day. I pour myself a good portion into a glass and down it. I slide onto the floor, my back against the cabinets and the glass sitting next to me on the floor. I sit there for a few minutes, until I can feel the effects of the alcohol.
Some of the control is returning.
I take out my cell phone and dial Tess. She answers after the first ring. I mutter into the phone, “Where are you?”
“At the coffee shop down the block from your building. Are you okay? You sound funny.”
“Am I okay? Did my supposed best friend just ditch me when she knew that I didn’t want to talk to the person I found sitting in my kitchen? The questions go hand in hand, really.”
“Max…”
“Don’t ‘Max’ me, Tess. You know I didn’t want to see her.”
“I’m coming to your apartment.”
She hangs up. I place my phone on the ground next to the glass. I don’t really care if Tess knows that I’ve been drinking. Yes, she’s gotten on my case about it recently, but I don’t care right now. If she didn’t want it to happen, she wouldn’t have allowed Liz to enter my apartment. She would have told Liz to go to Hell. I haven’t been sober for a straight day in a while. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. It’s all about the control.
Tess knocks on my door. I don’t see why. She has a key. That she apparently uses to let Liz Parker into my apartment. Did I say Liz? I meant Elizabeth. Liz is what her friends call her. Elizabeth Parker.
I yell out, telling Tess to come in. I hear her messing with the key in the lock, and then the door opens and Tess tentatively comes in to sight. She’s timid. Good. She sees the glass on the floor. Her timid manner fades into something more hardened. I hold up my hand, cutting off anything she has to say, “You don’t get to judge me tonight, Tess. Especially not after that stunt that you pulled earlier.”
She looks like she’s going to protest when her eyes zero in on my jaw. She covers her mouth with her hands, looking at me with concern, “Are you okay?”
“It’s fine. Elizabeth punched me in the jaw. Whatever. I guess I hurt her feelings with the things I was saying to her.” I shrug nonchalantly. My alter-ego is coming back easier than I had originally thought it would. It’s easy to fall back into this apathetic routine.
Tess shakes her head, “You know, I keep thinking that one of you is going to give in, and you’ll both make amends one of these days, but you keep proving my theories wrong. I understand that what she did hurt you beyond anything even you can probably imagine, and I understand that what she did could even be considered rape, yet you’re still hanging on to her no matter what you say. If you love her as much as you think you do, you’re going to have to forgive her at some point, because the love that you’ve described to me doesn’t come around every day. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. So when you’re ready to attempt at even recovering any wreckage of the friendship you and Liz once had, you’d better prepare yourself to actually have a civilized conversation with the girl. You’re absolutely determined to isolate yourself, aren’t you, Max?”
I don’t answer her. I don’t want to. I stare straight ahead, counting the seconds until she speaks again. She doesn’t. She leaves the apartment. I wonder why she didn’t punch me in the jaw like Elizabeth did. I wish that there were an easy answer to this situation. There isn’t, though. And Tess’s words keep drifting through my thoughts. “What she did could even be considered rape.” The idea of Liz – Elizabeth Parker raping someone, especially me, sounds so foreign that I almost want to dismiss it altogether. My mind clings to the notion, though. I can’t shake the words. Did she really rape me? For all intents and purposes, I had wanted to have sex with her for years. No matter how noble I may have seemed at first, if Liz had badgered me about it for a week or two, I probably would have lost all self-control and caved to her desires. So what had affected me so much? Elizabeth taking my virginity was always something I had dreamed of. I, consciously, had saved myself for her, making the choice to give myself to her fully whenever she was ready. But I didn’t give myself to her fully, did I? It was all physical. My emotions had absolutely nothing to do with anything.
What I would give to have a redo. Wait, what am I thinking? I’m putting the blame off of Elizabeth again, like she’s some glorified saint. I have to hold her responsible for her actions.
My face falls when something else comes to mind. The mere thought makes me angrily reach for the empty glass next to me and throw it bodily against the wall opposite of where I’m sitting. I had saved myself for Liz. I lashed out because things hadn’t gone my way. I slept with Pam. And Jessica. Who did I even spite in the end? Myself. Wait, what am I thinking? I didn’t spite myself. I couldn’t have. I enjoyed it. I still enjoy it. I really, truly enjoyed it. I don’t regret it. If there was one thing in the past few weeks that I wouldn’t change, it would be the night that I spent with Pam. She opened my eyes to a whole world that I never thought that I would be a part of. Yet a piece of my mind is still thinking: She wasn’t Liz
I stand up, walking through the glass shards to get out of the kitchen. I need to stop thinking about this. It’s pointless. I’m torturing myself for no reason. I’m so confused. My actions have all been justified. I haven’t done wrong, save perhaps pushing Elizabeth a little too far earlier. I go into my room and take a novel off of the stack next to my bed. I crack it open, start reading, and let myself get sucked in to a world that is not my own.
Isabel comes and sees me later that day. She says that Elizabeth never came home. No one’s talked to her in a few hours, and her phone is switched off. I tell her that Elizabeth would have her reasons for not answering her phone, and for her not to worry.
She asks me what happened to my jaw. I tell her not to worry about that, either.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I lean casually against the apartment building as I light a cigarette. I had class earlier, and I packed up a good portion of my stuff today, so I figure I deserve a little break. I worked hard.
The wind is pretty fierce. Countless women have walked by me, desperately trying to salvage their hair. Most of them are losing the battle. I think they know it, but they fight it anyway. It’s peculiar.
I watch the people crossing in the cross walk. They’re all hurrying. I love to people watch. The people coming towards me remind me of a bunch of gazelles hurrying from one location to the next, desperately trying to avoid a lion, or, in this case, a car. I smile haphazardly at my metaphor. The city is a jungle.
My smile is replaced by a sinking feeling as I see a petite woman drop something from her bag. It lands on the side of the crosswalk that is closest to the intersection, in the path of the cars that are running parallel to her course. My blood freezes as I realize that she’s going after the journal. She doesn’t see the car. I open my mouth to scream, but it’s too late. There’s a squealing of breaks. The car couldn’t stop in time to avoid hitting her. It hits her with a sickening thud, and I watch in horror as her body arches into the air and then crumples to the ground.
I run towards her, the cigarette lying forgotten on the ground by me. I’m the first bystander to reach her. My heart stops.
It’s Liz.
Not Elizabeth.
Liz.
My Liz.
My gut emotions take over, and I’m clouded by panic. I don’t know what to do. She’s on the ground, her body contorted into an awkward position. She isn’t moving. Her eyes aren’t fluttering. They’re closed. She’s pale. I think she’s dead. I couldn’t handle it if she died. Not here, not yet. I haven’t gotten into enough fights with her yet. I haven’t gotten to hear her scream at me near enough. I don’t think I’ll be able to remember the exact brown shade of her eyes if they never open again. I kneel next to her, ready to take her into my arms and break down completely when a man stops me. He says something about not moving her, how it could cause further damage to her spine. He says that he’s called the ambulance and that it’s on the way.
I can’t see anything but Liz’s form. Everything else is blurred, almost as if it’s been sped up to two times its normal speed. I feel as if I’m choking on my own tears, but I’m not crying. There’s a lump in my throat. It won’t go anywhere. I can’t understand what’s happening. Is this a nightmare?
There are muffled sounds of people speaking and a chorus of background clatter, but I can’t make out any distinct noises. I can’t do anything.
I’m getting tunnel vision. I don’t know what to do. All I can see is Liz.
The next minutes are a blur to me. First I’m in the road, then miraculously a few minutes later I zone in enough to realize I’m in an ambulance with Liz, and then what feels like a heartbeat later, I realize I’m seated in a chair in the waiting room. A vague memory comes to me of me telling the medical personnel Liz’s name and doctor, so that they can get her records. I tell them to contact Liz’s parents and Maria. They need to know what happened.
I can’t move. I am paralyzed with an emotion that I can’t identify. I blink once, and my vision momentarily focuses on my wrist watch. It’s been an hour and a half since I was smoking that cigarette. I’ve probably been sitting in this stiff chair, my elbows on my knees and my hands clutching at my hair, for a good fifty minutes. I haven’t moved a muscle since I sat down
Why hasn’t a doctor come to talk to me? They took her into the OR, so isn’t someone supposed to keep me updated on something? Maybe they have been, and I haven’t been paying attention.
Her body flying through the air keeps replaying in ghostly images across my eyes. I feel nauseas.
There’s a commotion around me. I can’t quite figure out what it is. I don’t quite want to. I shake myself out of my stupor, anyways. The waiting room comes in to clearer focus. It’s small with a few groupings of chairs placed around tables that are so low to the floor I can’t even comprehend how they’re functional. There are two doorways, one leading to one wing of the hospital and the other leading to the Emergency Room and the Operating Room. It’s the second door that I should be concerned with, but my eyes fly to the first door when I realize who’s standing there.
Maria’s standing there. She would be attacking the poor nurse who’s standing in front of her if Michael weren’t holding her back. Apparently the nurse isn’t giving Maria enough information. Maria wants to know everything. I don’t know anything. Not really. Isabel’s standing next to her, her expression soft with tears running down her cheeks. Alex is standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her in an affectionate form of comfort. None of them have noticed me. I didn’t expect them to, even though I’m the only one sitting in the waiting room. I was sitting in the furthest corner with my head hidden.
The nurse – somehow – manages to placate Maria and she says something that causes Maria to nod in defeat before walking through the doors to the OR. The group is left with no alternative then to turn and see me. They do. The all come walking forward hurriedly. They crowd around me, firing off questions.
“What are you doing here?”
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“How did you know Liz was here?”
“What happened to your jaw?”
I rub my temples with my fingers, trying to ease the headache that I feel sneaking up on me. I thought that the hospital would have at least told them that I was here with Liz. Except… I don’t think I ever told anyone who I was. They wouldn’t have known the identity of the man escorting her to the hospital.
I answer softly, trying to control my voice, “I saw the accident. I came with Liz in the ambulance.” I leave the last question’s answer out on purpose.
More questions are fired off.
“What?!”
“You’re the guy they told us about?!”
“Why didn’t you call us?!”
“How was she?!”
I keep my tone level, even though I want to scream, “I was in shock. I’m surprised I even had the sense to tell the hospital to call you guys.” I take a deep breath, during which Maria makes impatient noises with her tongue, “Bad. She was bad.” I shudder as I think about her again. The image that is burned into my brain is not a pretty one.
Michael clears his throat, something out of habit rather than necessity, “Have the doctors told you anything? We asked the nurse, but she said that she wasn’t assigned to the case and had no information about it. She said she’d try to find someone for us, though.”
I shake my head, “I haven’t really been… with it since… the accident. One might have come, but I didn’t process it.”
“You were drunk.” Maria’s tone is cold and accusing. She’s worried for her friend, and she’s lashing out at me.
My eyes get cold, “No, I wasn’t. I was in shock. You imagine how you would handle it if you saw Liz get hit by a car or if you had to hold her hand while she was unconscious on the way to the hospital or you realized that you may never be able to fully appreciate the exact shading of her eyes.” Sometime during my speech, I realize that my defensive tone changed into a soft, caring voice of… a lover. A title that I don’t hold or want to hold.
I’m so confused, but not for long. My brain won’t let me think about anything but Liz’s health. My current problem is shoved to the bottom of my priority list.
They’re all staring at me strangely. I can understand why. Alex starts to ask me another question, but I cut him off. I can’t talk anymore. I want to wait for news of Liz’s health in silence and solitude. They don’t understand, but they accept it. They take a seat in the chairs not far from my own and start their own form of concerned waiting.
They’re all banding together right now. That’s what friends do, after all. And I’m on the outside. Because I choose to be. For now.
I can tell that they all want to ask me more questions. They’re probably wondering why I was around when Liz was hit. They’re probably wondering if I know where she went last night. They’re probably wondering if Liz and I talked and got over our issues.
It doesn’t matter.
We sit around in an uncomfortable silence for a while. It could be minutes, it could be hours. I can’t tell. All I can think about is how Isabel and Maria have been crying continually since they got here. Alex and Michael are trying their best to comfort them, but their attempts are awkward and unsure. Liz is usually the one who can comfort the two of them. She’s their rock.
I stand up. I need to do something. I walk to the opposite corner of the waiting room and use their phone. I call Tess. She answers after a single ring. Her voice is shaky, “Hello?”
“Tess? What’s wrong?”
“Max. Oh my god, are you okay?!”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. At least, I think I’m okay. Why? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just saw the hospital on my caller ID and got worried. What’s going on?”
“It’s Liz.” My voice cracks, but I get everything back under control, “I saw her… she got hit by a car a few hours ago. She was crossing the street and – she’s in the OR right now… I don’t know if she’s going to make it. Oh shit, Tess, what if she doesn’t? Her last memories of me will be of what a complete asshole I am.”
“Max, as mad as Liz was when she last saw you, I doubt that she’ll remember you as that kind of person. Besides, you don’t even need to worry about that. She’ll make it through. She has to.”
“Why?”
“Because her soul mate is waiting for her in the waiting room. Listen, have you gotten in touch with everyone?”
Her soul mate. Tess thinks that I’m Liz’s soul mate. I don’t know what to think about that. “Yeah. They’re here.”
“I’m going to grab a few things, and then I’ll come down. Is that what you want?”
“No, Tess. It’s what I need.” Tess is my rock, like Liz is Maria’s and Isabel’s. She can get me through this.
“I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
We hang up the phone. I turn back to the group and take a seat. The others eye me like they want to say something, but they don’t. Whatever. I’m not going to pry.
Tess arrives after a little bit. She’s brought a few snacks and drinks for everyone. I don’t know if that’s allowed, but I appreciate the gesture. She’s got a small water bottle in her hand, which she hands straight to me.
She sits down next to me and whispers into my ear, “I’m not condoning what’s in that bottle, but you look like your nerves are fried and you could use a little. Besides, there’s only enough to calm you. Not near enough for a buzz.”
I nod and drink it gratefully. It does help my nerves. Thank God for Tess. She knows what I need.
Maria is glaring at Tess. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She opens her mouth suddenly, still staring at Tess, but directing her speech at me, “Tess, I think that you’re the last person Liz is going to want to see when she wakes up.”
“Oh well. I’m the first person Max needs. He’s the only one I’m concerned with right now.”
Tess fired that out before I even had a chance to process what Maria had said.
Maria scoffs, “Max isn’t the one in the operating room, now, is he?”
“No, he’s not. But he is surrounded by the likes of you, so he could probably use someone like me.”
Maria’s getting madder.
I clear my throat, “You guys need to calm down. It’s not going to help Liz any if everyone’s in panic mode when the doctor comes out.”
“Why do you even care?” Maria snaps at me, her eyes harsh, “You probably pushed her in front of the damn car.”
I freeze. My heart is in my throat. I go to retort, but Tess beats me to it. Her wrath has not ever been so great, “You heartless bitch! This isn’t about you, Blondie, so get the hell over it. Max is hurting just as much as you are. How DARE you say anything like that? He would never wish this on anyone, and you sure as hell know that he would never do anything like this to Liz! And if you say anything like that ever again, I swear I will attack you and you will not come out on top.”
This shuts everyone up. Tess shrugs and looks around the group, “If anyone wants anything, let me know and I’ll handle it. I’m here to help.” She emphasizes the last sentence and shoots another glare at Maria, but Maria doesn’t notice. She’s got her face buried back in Michael’s shoulder.
The doctor comes out a little bit later. He says that Liz is out of surgery, but they’re not sure if she’ll pull through or not. He says that she can have one visitor. Maria and I both get to our feet.
We have a staring match until Michael finally tugs on Maria’s pants and shakes his head slightly. Maria sits down. She’s not happy about it, but she’s silently giving me her permission to see Liz.
I would have gone without her permission. She doesn’t concern me. I would have yelled at her to get to Liz.
I follow the doctor down the hallway and I feel like I’m going to collapse at any second. I’m so afraid.
He opens up the door and lets me inside. I keep my eyes trained on the ground until I get enough courage to look up at Liz. My breath catches in my throat. Her arm is cast, and I think I can see the bulk of bandages on her chest where they repaired some internal bleeding. Her face is bruised worse than mine.
Yet she’s still beautiful.
And I still love her.
I love her.
I take the seat next to her, carefully placing her hand in my own.
I sit there for a few hours. Before long, it’s drifted into early morning. The doctors have tried to tell me that Liz isn’t allowed to have visitors at all hours of the day. I don’t listen. They seem to understand. They cut me some slack.
It’s four in the morning, and I’m about to fall asleep. I whisper the words to her, finally having found the strength I need to make them audible. “I love you.” I do what I want to do, even though I know it’s selfish and doesn’t make sense at all. I lightly press my lips against hers.
Her eyelids flutter.
TBC...
Song: The Same Boy You've Always Known by The White Stripes
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sprayadhesive
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:19 pm
- Location: Georgia
Re: Broken Innocence (AU,M/L,Mature) Ch 10 p8 1/27
Okay, everyone, here's dreamerfrvrp3's interlude. It's short. I know that we've both been slacking with our writing but we're both dealing with a lot in our lives right now so it's getting harder and harder to sit down and actually write. The next part is mine, and I'm going to try to do my best to get it out to you asap. For time's sake and the sake of not creating more debate than there already is, I'm just going to have to list all of your names in thanks. You guys are amazing. Thank you for the bumps. *We promise the next part will be of proper length! We'd always planned this one to be short, but not for the wait to be so long! So sorry!!*
behrluv32
LairaBehr4
Alien_Friend
Christable
RoninBehr
Alex Balex
L-J-L 76
begonia9508
Emz80m
Tamashii
DreamerMaxBehrian
thetvgeneral
moneecue82
katydid
ShatteredDreamer
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers
keepsmiling7
clueless
AllAboutEyesS09
RiceKrispy
veronica
Addicted2AmberEyes
roswell3053
Leigh
DreamKeeper
Alien614
Blink1lit
ShatteredDreamer
Tamashii
Arianneleigh
AllAboutEyesS09
elci
mezz
Tears_of_Mercury
max and liz believer
Interlude
Liz’s POV
The World Spins Madly On
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.
The first time I met Max was our freshman year.
It was weeks before school was to end and I had just gotten my license. I needed to go to the mall for a few books and I promised my parents that I would safely return their old car.
Before I know it, the car is sputtering as if it was out of breath. I pulled over just as the car kicked the bucket completely.
I retrieve my outdated cell phone from my purse. Searching for service.
“This is just freaking fantastic!” I shout as I kick the car. “Owww.” Apparently the car doesn’t like me, either. I am slipping back into the evil car when I hear a car pulling up besides me. The driver gets out and walks over to examine under the hood.
“Wow, what did you do to it?” he asks. I blush and shake my head.
“Liz Parker, official car killer.” As I reach out to shake his hand, I realize that it is Max Evans standing in front of me.
“I know who you are. We have a few classes together. Either way, I’m Max Evans,” he says while gripping my hand. I duck my head as he continues to gaze at me for a minute.
“Well, I guess I won’t be driving this car for a while,” I say mostly to myself. I check my cell again but still no service.
“I can give you a ride if you want?” he asks I think it’s safe to drive with him. It’s a plus that I know him, too.
“Um, sure,” I mumble. I’m suddenly very shy. I grab my things from the devil car and lock the doors. Max helps me into his jeep and shuts the door while running to his side.
“So, Liz Parker, what were you doing out here to begin with?” he asks. I explain to him that I need to go to the mall for a few books that I had been dying to read but haven’t had time to get. “I can drive you out there if you want me to.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll get out here sooner or later,” I tell him.
“Maybe if you wanted I could take you out there next weekend?” he asked shyly. Is this a date? I don’t really know what kind of first dates happen at book stores. I tell him that I would love to go with him and that I’ll see him at school tomorrow when we arrive at the Crashdown.
He gives me a soft smile, “It was nice to formally meet you, Liz.”
“Likewise, Max.”
My original notion had been that we would have a romantic relationship, but he never made the advances the first few times we hung out. In a short time, I’d completely forgotten that I had originally seen Max as a potential boyfriend. He became my best friend.
Everything around me is black. I can’t really see anything. I can’t do anything. I try to lift a limb – only to realize that I can’t feel any of them. I’m… floating. Detached. I don’t know what has happened or why I’m like this. I’m lost.
A familiar, warm feeling washes over me. It feels safe. Someone, somewhere, is looking out for me. I want to get to that person, but I can’t. I’m stuck.
My lips tingle. My lips! I can feel them! The sensation travels down my spine and I slowly start to register that I can feel every part of my body. I ache like hell. I wonder what could have happened to me. Even my head is killing me.
I know that someone is here with me. All I have to do is open my eyes and I will see them. I brace myself for a moment, wondering who could have held such a strong presence over my soul. I open my eyes.
I’m in a hospital room. It’s empty. The door is closing like someone ran out seconds ago. I raise my right hand to my cheek. It’s warm from another person’s touch.
His name escapes my lips subconsciously, “Max.”
I think it was him. I really, really think it was. But why am I in the hospital? What happened to me? I try to get off of the bed but several IVs are hooked into me. My body is heavily bandaged.
I remember.
A man’s scream in my direction. Bending over to pick up my journal. Being slammed into the pavement by a moving vehicle. My head knocking into the ground with a loud thud.
I was hit by a car. Someone – a saint, probably – had tried to warn me about the car, but I hadn’t heard them in time. I find the button to call the nurse and push it. I want to know what’s wrong with me. I want to see my friends. I need some reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
Why was Max here? He hates me. I hit him.
Maybe he was never actually here at all. Maybe I made his presence up completely. I do have a head injury, after all.
I feel tears running down my cheeks.
A nurse comes through my door with a soft smile on her face. She sees my silent tears and holds my hand, trying to comfort me. She starts to tell me what is wrong with my body and what they are trying to fix. She doesn’t mention anything about my broken heart. I wonder if they can do anything about those.
I keep staring at the door. The one person that I want to come through it is the same person that I know, in my heart, never will.
TBC...
Song: The World Spins Madly on by The Weepies
behrluv32
LairaBehr4
Alien_Friend
Christable
RoninBehr
Alex Balex
L-J-L 76
begonia9508
Emz80m
Tamashii
DreamerMaxBehrian
thetvgeneral
moneecue82
katydid
ShatteredDreamer
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers
keepsmiling7
clueless
AllAboutEyesS09
RiceKrispy
veronica
Addicted2AmberEyes
roswell3053
Leigh
DreamKeeper
Alien614
Blink1lit
ShatteredDreamer
Tamashii
Arianneleigh
AllAboutEyesS09
elci
mezz
Tears_of_Mercury
max and liz believer
Interlude
Liz’s POV
The World Spins Madly On
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.
The first time I met Max was our freshman year.
It was weeks before school was to end and I had just gotten my license. I needed to go to the mall for a few books and I promised my parents that I would safely return their old car.
Before I know it, the car is sputtering as if it was out of breath. I pulled over just as the car kicked the bucket completely.
I retrieve my outdated cell phone from my purse. Searching for service.
“This is just freaking fantastic!” I shout as I kick the car. “Owww.” Apparently the car doesn’t like me, either. I am slipping back into the evil car when I hear a car pulling up besides me. The driver gets out and walks over to examine under the hood.
“Wow, what did you do to it?” he asks. I blush and shake my head.
“Liz Parker, official car killer.” As I reach out to shake his hand, I realize that it is Max Evans standing in front of me.
“I know who you are. We have a few classes together. Either way, I’m Max Evans,” he says while gripping my hand. I duck my head as he continues to gaze at me for a minute.
“Well, I guess I won’t be driving this car for a while,” I say mostly to myself. I check my cell again but still no service.
“I can give you a ride if you want?” he asks I think it’s safe to drive with him. It’s a plus that I know him, too.
“Um, sure,” I mumble. I’m suddenly very shy. I grab my things from the devil car and lock the doors. Max helps me into his jeep and shuts the door while running to his side.
“So, Liz Parker, what were you doing out here to begin with?” he asks. I explain to him that I need to go to the mall for a few books that I had been dying to read but haven’t had time to get. “I can drive you out there if you want me to.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ll get out here sooner or later,” I tell him.
“Maybe if you wanted I could take you out there next weekend?” he asked shyly. Is this a date? I don’t really know what kind of first dates happen at book stores. I tell him that I would love to go with him and that I’ll see him at school tomorrow when we arrive at the Crashdown.
He gives me a soft smile, “It was nice to formally meet you, Liz.”
“Likewise, Max.”
My original notion had been that we would have a romantic relationship, but he never made the advances the first few times we hung out. In a short time, I’d completely forgotten that I had originally seen Max as a potential boyfriend. He became my best friend.
Everything around me is black. I can’t really see anything. I can’t do anything. I try to lift a limb – only to realize that I can’t feel any of them. I’m… floating. Detached. I don’t know what has happened or why I’m like this. I’m lost.
A familiar, warm feeling washes over me. It feels safe. Someone, somewhere, is looking out for me. I want to get to that person, but I can’t. I’m stuck.
My lips tingle. My lips! I can feel them! The sensation travels down my spine and I slowly start to register that I can feel every part of my body. I ache like hell. I wonder what could have happened to me. Even my head is killing me.
I know that someone is here with me. All I have to do is open my eyes and I will see them. I brace myself for a moment, wondering who could have held such a strong presence over my soul. I open my eyes.
I’m in a hospital room. It’s empty. The door is closing like someone ran out seconds ago. I raise my right hand to my cheek. It’s warm from another person’s touch.
His name escapes my lips subconsciously, “Max.”
I think it was him. I really, really think it was. But why am I in the hospital? What happened to me? I try to get off of the bed but several IVs are hooked into me. My body is heavily bandaged.
I remember.
A man’s scream in my direction. Bending over to pick up my journal. Being slammed into the pavement by a moving vehicle. My head knocking into the ground with a loud thud.
I was hit by a car. Someone – a saint, probably – had tried to warn me about the car, but I hadn’t heard them in time. I find the button to call the nurse and push it. I want to know what’s wrong with me. I want to see my friends. I need some reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
Why was Max here? He hates me. I hit him.
Maybe he was never actually here at all. Maybe I made his presence up completely. I do have a head injury, after all.
I feel tears running down my cheeks.
A nurse comes through my door with a soft smile on her face. She sees my silent tears and holds my hand, trying to comfort me. She starts to tell me what is wrong with my body and what they are trying to fix. She doesn’t mention anything about my broken heart. I wonder if they can do anything about those.
I keep staring at the door. The one person that I want to come through it is the same person that I know, in my heart, never will.
TBC...
Song: The World Spins Madly on by The Weepies
-
sprayadhesive
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:19 pm
- Location: Georgia
Re: Broken Innocence (AU,M/L,Mature) Int. p15 4/20 AN 4/23
Okay, I'm in a bit of a rush so hopefully I can make it back and respond to all of your feedback later, but, for now, thank you! I'm headed off to Bonnaroo Music Festival in about a week, so expect the next part sometime after that. 
Part 10
Emaline
I wish it was last September.
So we could lose ourselves in crowds everyday.
'Cos Emaline, don't walk in time,
she's not the same that's all you can say.
That we've learnt our lesson, but I,
Don't wanna walk away from Emaline.
They're talking now.
Does she know what they're saying?
She's got the air, to float above it.
I'm sinking in the summer champagne.
She's dear to me, and so expensive.
Now I'm not talking 'bout money.
Money talks,
I hate to listen,
but lately it's been screaming in my ear.
When I've heard enough, I tell myself-
That we've learnt our lesson, but I,
Don't wanna walk away from Emaline.
It only took me one look to understand Emaline,
sometime I don't know what she's saying.
Sometimes I do,
Sometimes I don't,
know what she's saying.
But I know,
I know,
I know what she wants to believe.
It wish it was last September.
Don't let me walk away from Emaline.
For stupid reasons,
now I'm talking 'bout money.
Money talks,
I hate to listen,
But lately it's been screaming in my ear.
Yeah, what advice! Girls need attention.
Or are you diffrent than all mine?
For all it's worth, she's got attention.
But people accuse you black and white.
Now I've heard enough, I'll tell you what.
Really shouldn't sit here and whine,
I'll take you down to see my Emaline.
I ran. She was opening her eyes and the only thing I could do was run. Once I was out of the room, my mind started to sober up. Liz is awake. She is awake and she is going to need help. Someone needs to explain to her what is going on.
I walk the short distance to the nurse’s station and inform them that Elizabeth Parker has woken up just as the light below her room number flashes. A nurse hurries towards her. She’s alone. I left her alone. Is it my place to be with her, though? We’re far from best friends at this point. I don’t think we qualify as friends. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.
I’m drawn to her room. I can feel her inside of it – hurt, along and scared. I want to go to her and comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I love her, even if I don’t want to. That’s what people do when they love someone. They take care of them. They comfort them. They forgive mistakes and errors.
My feet start moving. I can’t stand idle in this hallway any longer. I walk down the length of the hallway to the door. The door opens.
Maria and everyone are still in the waiting room, drifting in and out of sleep. Isabel is curled up next to Alex as best as possible in the stiff hospital chairs. Maria is in Michael’s lap, her head on his shoulder. Michael is asleep and Maria is staring unblinkingly at the wall.
Tess is separate from them, awake and watchful. I think she’s subconsciously watching over them as much as she is watching over me.
They all stir when I walk through the door. Maria snaps up, “How is she? What’s going on?”
They’re all fearfully silent. They’re afraid of what I will tell them. I don’t blame them.
“You’re as white as a ghost.” It’s Isabel. She’s concerned for my wellbeing. She always has been. “Max…?”
I realize that I’ve been staring off into space, not really acknowledging them this entire time. I clear my throat, “She’s uh… she’s awake.”
Maria and Isabel stand up to go through the door. I catch hold of Isabel’s arm right before she goes through, “Don’t… don’t tell her I was there. Please.”
I don’t know why I say it. It feels right. Some part of me doesn’t want Liz to know that I sat with her unconscious body. I’m not ready for her to know that I love her. It’s my secret, my burden to bear.
Tess walks up to me and puts her arm in mine. I flick my hair out of my eyes and speak softly to her as Maria and Isabel disappear behind the door, “I want to go home. I don’t want to be alone. Please?”
She gives me a soft smile, “Of course, Max. I’ll take you back to your place and I’ll stay the night on the couch. You need some rest, anyways. It’s been a long night.”
I nod.
The longest night of my life.
Liz is going to be okay, she has to. She’s awake now. That’s a good sign, isn’t it?
Tess makes small talk on the way back to my apartment. I absent-mindedly answer her, not really paying attention to the conversation but humouring her all at the same time. I still feel like I’m in a daze. It’s hard for me to believe that Liz is so hurt.
Tess leads me up to my apartment and opens the keys. She comes into the bedroom with me while I change and slide into the bed. I ask her to lay with me for a while – until I fall asleep. She agrees.
“I tried to warn her.” My voice is raspy from under use and emotion.
Tess nods, “I know you did.”
“I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. I would never push her in front of a car…” I’m trying to justify myself like I’m a child being punished and Tess is my mother.
“Maria was being emotional, Max. She didn’t mean it. No one blames you” she scolds me.
“But what if I had run out into the street to stop the car or push her out of the way? What if I had screamed earlier?...”
“Max, stop it! You know as well as I do that the intersection that Liz was hit in was a good ways away from where you were standing. Not even Superman could have gotten there in time. And you didn’t have time to scream. It happened really fast, didn’t it?”
I nod my head.
She nods hers, “Exactly. So stop blaming yourself. It was an accident.”
I drift to sleep.
I wake up five hours later under a bright afternoon sun. Tess isn’t in my bed anymore. She must be on the couch outside. I haven’t made up my mind as to what I want to do today. Should I go back and see Liz? Everything I think is so uncertain.
I pick up the pants that I was wearing last night to pull out my wallet when I realize there is something else in my back pocket. Something bulky. I reach in and pull out… a journal.
Suddenly, I remember. In my daze, just as the stretcher was taking Liz’s body away, my eyes fell on the book that Liz bent over to retrieve before the car hit her. I grabbed it and stuffed it in my back pocket, meaning to give it back to her. But, in all of the chaos, I forgot to.
I know that it’s her journal. I can feel it. My fingers hesitate over the pages. I consider opening it.
I throw it down on my bedside table. I can’t open that. It contains Liz’s private thoughts and feelings. Private being the key word. It would be a betrayal for me to read it.
I leave my room and find Tess asleep on the couch. She’s had a long night. She was there for me. I can let her sleep.
I pull on my sneakers and head for the door.
An hour later, I’m panting as I re-enter my apartment from my run. It’s very therapeutic… running, that is.
Tess is just waking up. She stretches her arms out and sits on the couch. She gives me a small smile, “How’d you sleep?”
“Okay, I guess.” It was a dreamless sleep, thankfully. I don’t want to know what my first night of dreams will be like.
“What’re your plans for today?” Tess is moving around the kitchen now, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.
I shrug, “I want to start moving some boxes from this apartment to my new one. I could get all of my stuff out of here today, really. I don’t have very much.”
She smiles, “Great. We can use my car.”
“Thanks.” I smile back at her. Tess always has the solutions to my problems.
We talk some more and then shower and dress. Tess is in a pair of my basketball shorts and a t-shirt. She doesn’t care what she looks like. I love that about her.
I carry boxes while Tess packs up the rest of my stuff. Eventually, she’s helping me load all of the boxes into her car. All of the boxes are going to fit into her CRV with no problem. I live lightly. No need for clutter that you never use. Simple is my lifestyle. It’s easiest that way. Less stress. God knows I don’t need anymore stress in my life.
It’s a three minute drive to my new building, but it would have been way too far to carry all of the boxes. Total walking time is around ten minutes. Not too bad if I ever want to go see Isabel… or anyone. We slowly carry all of the boxes up for floor four. The doorman even helps us with some. I ask Tess if she’ll start making a list of things I’ll need for the kitchen and bathroom while I drive back and load up my bedroom furniture. She agrees.
Three hours later, my apartment’s coming together. It’s small… one main sitting area with a kitchen, one bathroom and one bedroom. But it’s all I need. I’m a single man living in New York City.
I don’t have any furniture yet, besides the stuff I have from my room. I’ll have to go furniture shopping eventually.
Tess and I have my television from my bedroom set up on the floor in the main area of the apartment. She tells me that having a television in your bedroom disrupts your sleep cycle, especially if you sleep with it on. I agree with her that it’s a good move. I don’t watch that much TV, anyways, and now my guests can watch movies and not have to awkwardly sit in the bedroom with me.
I want to paint the apartment, so all of the furniture I have currently is in the center of the respective rooms. Tess and I discuss paint colors idly.
Her phone rings and she starts arguing with whoever it is on the phone. She hangs up after a few minutes. She turns to me apologetically, “Sorry, Max, I have to get going. That was a kid I’m working on a project with for class… apparently something went wrong and I have to go help him.”
I laugh, “You have nothing to apologize for. I’ve eaten up enough of your time to last the week as it is. I’ll call you later. Thank you… for everything.”
She smiles, “Any time, Max.” She picks up her stuff and is going to walk out of the door when she turns back to me, “And, hey, the apartment? It looks amazing.”
She’s gone and there’s a silence in my brain. I start thinking about Liz again. I feel awful. I had been ignoring her presence in my mind all day. I can’t avoid this any longer. I have to go see her. My soul is pining for it. I can’t deny myself any longer. Because I love the girl that I’m supposed to hate. And I can’t help it.
I grab the keys to my apartment and walk down the stairs. I call a cab. The entirety of my ride over, my mind is racing. Suddenly, I remember something. I ask the cab driver to pull over at a corner store and return mere minutes later with a bouquet of sunflowers. Liz’s favorite.
The hospital is a dreary place, no matter how many lives are saved or how many babies are born there. People will always identify them with death. I can’t help it, either. A sob almost escapes me when I realize that this hospital almost took the life of the woman I love. My former best friend. My Liz. The elevator seems to take longer than it should. I’m impatient and growing more impatient by the minute. The door opens, finally, and I emerge into the waiting room.
I run into the people getting off of the elevator next to mine. I apologize and look up. I gasp. My eyes are wide.
It’s the Parkers. Liz’s parents. Of course they would come to New York City. Their daughter was just in a very serious accident.
They both look harried. Nancy has huge bags under her eyes and Jeff’s hair is disheveled. Nonetheless, when they both realize it’s me, they smile. To them, I’m still Liz’s best friend.
“Max! Oh, thank God you were there when Liz got into the accident!” Nancy pulls me into a fierce hug, a tight stifling one, “Who knows what could have happened to her if you weren’t! Thank you so much for looking out for my baby!”
“Nancy, really…” I try to stop her thanks.
Jeff scolds me, “Max, don’t be so modest. You helped Liz out tremendously. I made you promise to look out for her before you two left for college and you did. Thank you, son.”
Jeff and Nancy have come to think of me as a son since the first time Liz and I met. We hung out every single day and rarely were apart. My parents view Liz as a daughter. We are… were… so close.
“Were you going to go see Lizzie? We haven’t been yet. Our plane just arrived…” Jeff’s looking around the waiting room like there will be a huge sign pointing out Liz’s room number to him.
Nancy’s looking at the flowers in my hand, “Oh, Max, you’re too sweet. We didn’t even think to get Liz anything like that… we didn’t really think at all. We dropped everything to get here as soon as possible. I can’t even remember what I threw in my suitcase before we left. Jeff, we should have gotten her something…”
I automatically extend the flowers out to Nancy, “Here, you can give these to her. I’ll go and get something else. Besides, I’m not supposed to be visiting her right now, anyways.” I quickly make up a story, “Liz woke up and Maria took over. She’s pretty much gone hospital Nazi on everyone.”
“We can’t take those…” Nancy’s looking at me funnily.
“No, take them, I insist. It’s no big deal, really.”
“Then we’ll tell her that you bought them.” Nancy presses.
I shake my head, “No, no. Don’t tell her that. As a matter of fact, will you not mention me at all? I uh… I want to surprise her later… with some of her favorite stuff. And I don’t want her to see it coming. Don’t even tell her that I was here.”
Jeff’s looking suspicious, but he doesn’t say anything. He nods, “Okay, Max. Thanks for the flowers.”
I nod. “Liz’s room is right down the hallway.” I tell them the room number and point them in the right direction. Nancy kisses me on the cheek before they go. She’s clutching the sunflowers in her hand like a life raft.
I don’t know where Maria, Alex, Michael or Isabel are. They’re all either in the room or at home. Who knows?
I collapse into a seat in the waiting room. I had worked up my courage to go and see Liz and then… Jeff and Nancy showed up. How can I continue to lie to them and pretend like everything is okay between Liz and me? I don’t know if I have the strength for it. They’re my second parents. They trusted me to watch over Liz and to make sure nothing bad happened to her. And now look what I’ve done? I allowed this whole monstrosity to happen. I enabled her to be hit by that car.. I’m the reason that Liz was MIA the night before she got hit. If I had just sat and listened to her or not been so angry or forgiven her when I had the chance, Liz wouldn’t have gotten hit by that car. She would be safe and well at home. Her parents wouldn’t even had needed to make the trip to New York City all the way from Roswell. I can’t accept Jeff’s thanks
I get back onto the elevator. I can’t see Liz. Not now, while her parents are there. Maybe later… Not now.
My apartment is lonely when I get back. I bypass the TV and go straight to bed.
As I’m laying there, my phone rings. It’s Isabel. I answer.
“Max? Hey.”
“Hey, Isabel.”
“How’re you doing? We saw that you moved out today…”
“Yeah, well, the timing felt right and there was no point in dragging it out.”
“Alex and Michael are thinking about looking for a roommate. They don’t know if they’re going to yet or not. They can pay the rent themselves. They’re thinking about making your room into a game room or something.”
“That’s a good idea. They could fit a nice pool table in there.”
“Yeah.”
“How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay. A little shaken up, I guess, but I’m glad that Liz is going to pull through. The Parkers are going to stay here, in Liz’s room, while she’s in the hospital. You know how they are. They’ll want to be with Liz until she’s recovered.”
“Yeah.”
“I think she misses you, Max. I mean, she hasn’t said it, but we sat with her all day… after you ran out… and she seems really… lost. She kept looking at the door, hoping that someone would come through it. I asked her who she was looking for, but she never gave me a straight answer.”
“Oh.”
“Why did you leave, Max? You were with her for hours, and then she woke up and you ran out before she’d even fully regained consciousness.”
“I… I couldn’t do it, Isabel. I couldn’t be the first person she saw when she woke up.”
“I think she wanted you to be.”
“It’s probably better this way. Less confusing. How’s she doing?”
“Good. She’s in pain, but we all expected that. Her head’s okay, though. She remembers everything.” She laughs. “Gosh, she’s already getting antsy sitting there and doing nothing. She asked me to bring a couple of books for her. I’ll grab some from my shelves.”
“No, no. Only the ones from her room. She hates those trashy paperbacks you read, Isabel. You know that. Give her the ones from her room. She’ll appreciate it a lot more.”
“Why don’t you bring them to her?”
“I don’t know when I’ll be able to make it.”
“Max…”
“I can’t do it, Is. Not with Jeff and Nancy around.”
“I can call you when they’re not there… if you want.”
“Yeah, sure. That’s fine. Listen, I’m about to go to bed so I’ll call you tomorrow, Izzie.”
“Okay. Goodnight, Max. I love you.”
“Love you, too. Goodnight.”
“Oh, and Max?”
“Yeah?”
“The sunflowers were really nice. Liz loved them.”
I panic, “They told her that I got them?!”
“No. But I could tell. Liz’s favorite flowers changed from lilies to sunflowers only a few months ago. I doubt that she would have told her parents a small detail like that. It was only logical that they came from you.”
I sigh in relief, “Oh. Okay.”
“You came back to the hospital today?” She sounds unsurprised.
“Yeah. But then I ran into the Parkers and I…”
“You couldn’t do it. I understand.”
“Goodnight, Is.”
“Night, Max.”
I plug my phone into the charger and fall into another deep, dreamless sleep.
My phone rings again.
I tear my eyes open to see sunlight and look at my phone.
It’s my mother.
She’s probably talked to Jeff and Nancy. She’s going to ask me a million hard questions. I don’t have the answers for some of the questions. I can’t take her third degree. I let it ring to voicemail.
I check the clock on my bedside table. It’s only eight in the morning. I won’t be able to go back to sleep.
So I go for a run. I would go to the gym, but I don’t have the patience for that right now. I avoid running past my old building and the intersection where Liz was hit. I avoid running past Tess’s apartment building. Instead, my feet bring me to the doors of the hospital.
My subconscious mind is always thinking about Liz. I can’t get her out of my head. I need to see her with my own two eyes to really believe that she’s okay.
I’m about to walk in when I hear Nancy’s laugh to my right. I quickly hide myself from plain sight and watch as she and Jeff walk through the hospital’s doors carrying a bag of biscuits and coffees. I should have known that they would be here this early to see Liz. They’re morning people. They do own a diner, after all. I shake my head and pull the leaves from the bush I was hiding behind off of me. I can’t see Liz. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sweaty and disgusting. They probably wouldn’t even allow me into the hospital looking and smelling like this.
It might be a sign, actually. The last two times that I’ve tried to go to visit Liz, something has stopped me. The universe could be trying to tell me that Liz and I, we just aren’t meant to be friends or acquaintances or anything anymore. We had our time together, but nothing was meant to be. I’m not the guy that she should be running to her problems with. I would just get in the way if she had found her other half. He wouldn’t like our friendship. I know Kyle didn’t.
I hate that thought, but it’s probably true. I’m going to have to work on my problems on m own and Liz is going to have to work on hers. The incident was a mistake on both our parts. I wasn’t completely blameless. And as much as I want to go to Liz and scream and yell and make her understand how much it hurt and why, I won’t. Because apparently it wasn’t meant to be that way. I’m going to have to try to work through it on my own. I can do this.
I run back to the apartment and take a shower. Everything’s still really empty. I need to go furniture shopping soon. Someplace cheap, like IKEA. Tess raves about that place. She absolutely loves it. Maybe I can have her show me around or something. Let her and Isabel run through the place with my money and decorate the apartment.
Flowery drapes and pink rugs come to mind.
Okay, maybe I’ll oversee them a little bit. This is my bachelor pad after all.
I make some coffee and pour myself a bowl of cereal, turning on the TV and watching SportsCenter. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any sports with Michael and Alex.
Maybe I can invite them over sometime this week. To watch a game or something. I’m tired of isolating myself from them. I need my friends. I’m going to get really lonely really quickly if I do. It’s different living alone. Eerie, almost.
I head into my room to make my bed really quickly when something catches my eye again.
Liz’s journal.
I shouldn’t read it, but the lure is too great.
What was so important for her to completely forget about watching for traffic and go diving after it?
My fingers brush the pages.
I sit down on my bed, breathe, and open it.
TBC...
Song: Emaline - Ben Folds
Part 10
Emaline
I wish it was last September.
So we could lose ourselves in crowds everyday.
'Cos Emaline, don't walk in time,
she's not the same that's all you can say.
That we've learnt our lesson, but I,
Don't wanna walk away from Emaline.
They're talking now.
Does she know what they're saying?
She's got the air, to float above it.
I'm sinking in the summer champagne.
She's dear to me, and so expensive.
Now I'm not talking 'bout money.
Money talks,
I hate to listen,
but lately it's been screaming in my ear.
When I've heard enough, I tell myself-
That we've learnt our lesson, but I,
Don't wanna walk away from Emaline.
It only took me one look to understand Emaline,
sometime I don't know what she's saying.
Sometimes I do,
Sometimes I don't,
know what she's saying.
But I know,
I know,
I know what she wants to believe.
It wish it was last September.
Don't let me walk away from Emaline.
For stupid reasons,
now I'm talking 'bout money.
Money talks,
I hate to listen,
But lately it's been screaming in my ear.
Yeah, what advice! Girls need attention.
Or are you diffrent than all mine?
For all it's worth, she's got attention.
But people accuse you black and white.
Now I've heard enough, I'll tell you what.
Really shouldn't sit here and whine,
I'll take you down to see my Emaline.
I ran. She was opening her eyes and the only thing I could do was run. Once I was out of the room, my mind started to sober up. Liz is awake. She is awake and she is going to need help. Someone needs to explain to her what is going on.
I walk the short distance to the nurse’s station and inform them that Elizabeth Parker has woken up just as the light below her room number flashes. A nurse hurries towards her. She’s alone. I left her alone. Is it my place to be with her, though? We’re far from best friends at this point. I don’t think we qualify as friends. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.
I’m drawn to her room. I can feel her inside of it – hurt, along and scared. I want to go to her and comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I love her, even if I don’t want to. That’s what people do when they love someone. They take care of them. They comfort them. They forgive mistakes and errors.
My feet start moving. I can’t stand idle in this hallway any longer. I walk down the length of the hallway to the door. The door opens.
Maria and everyone are still in the waiting room, drifting in and out of sleep. Isabel is curled up next to Alex as best as possible in the stiff hospital chairs. Maria is in Michael’s lap, her head on his shoulder. Michael is asleep and Maria is staring unblinkingly at the wall.
Tess is separate from them, awake and watchful. I think she’s subconsciously watching over them as much as she is watching over me.
They all stir when I walk through the door. Maria snaps up, “How is she? What’s going on?”
They’re all fearfully silent. They’re afraid of what I will tell them. I don’t blame them.
“You’re as white as a ghost.” It’s Isabel. She’s concerned for my wellbeing. She always has been. “Max…?”
I realize that I’ve been staring off into space, not really acknowledging them this entire time. I clear my throat, “She’s uh… she’s awake.”
Maria and Isabel stand up to go through the door. I catch hold of Isabel’s arm right before she goes through, “Don’t… don’t tell her I was there. Please.”
I don’t know why I say it. It feels right. Some part of me doesn’t want Liz to know that I sat with her unconscious body. I’m not ready for her to know that I love her. It’s my secret, my burden to bear.
Tess walks up to me and puts her arm in mine. I flick my hair out of my eyes and speak softly to her as Maria and Isabel disappear behind the door, “I want to go home. I don’t want to be alone. Please?”
She gives me a soft smile, “Of course, Max. I’ll take you back to your place and I’ll stay the night on the couch. You need some rest, anyways. It’s been a long night.”
I nod.
The longest night of my life.
Liz is going to be okay, she has to. She’s awake now. That’s a good sign, isn’t it?
Tess makes small talk on the way back to my apartment. I absent-mindedly answer her, not really paying attention to the conversation but humouring her all at the same time. I still feel like I’m in a daze. It’s hard for me to believe that Liz is so hurt.
Tess leads me up to my apartment and opens the keys. She comes into the bedroom with me while I change and slide into the bed. I ask her to lay with me for a while – until I fall asleep. She agrees.
“I tried to warn her.” My voice is raspy from under use and emotion.
Tess nods, “I know you did.”
“I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. I would never push her in front of a car…” I’m trying to justify myself like I’m a child being punished and Tess is my mother.
“Maria was being emotional, Max. She didn’t mean it. No one blames you” she scolds me.
“But what if I had run out into the street to stop the car or push her out of the way? What if I had screamed earlier?...”
“Max, stop it! You know as well as I do that the intersection that Liz was hit in was a good ways away from where you were standing. Not even Superman could have gotten there in time. And you didn’t have time to scream. It happened really fast, didn’t it?”
I nod my head.
She nods hers, “Exactly. So stop blaming yourself. It was an accident.”
I drift to sleep.
I wake up five hours later under a bright afternoon sun. Tess isn’t in my bed anymore. She must be on the couch outside. I haven’t made up my mind as to what I want to do today. Should I go back and see Liz? Everything I think is so uncertain.
I pick up the pants that I was wearing last night to pull out my wallet when I realize there is something else in my back pocket. Something bulky. I reach in and pull out… a journal.
Suddenly, I remember. In my daze, just as the stretcher was taking Liz’s body away, my eyes fell on the book that Liz bent over to retrieve before the car hit her. I grabbed it and stuffed it in my back pocket, meaning to give it back to her. But, in all of the chaos, I forgot to.
I know that it’s her journal. I can feel it. My fingers hesitate over the pages. I consider opening it.
I throw it down on my bedside table. I can’t open that. It contains Liz’s private thoughts and feelings. Private being the key word. It would be a betrayal for me to read it.
I leave my room and find Tess asleep on the couch. She’s had a long night. She was there for me. I can let her sleep.
I pull on my sneakers and head for the door.
An hour later, I’m panting as I re-enter my apartment from my run. It’s very therapeutic… running, that is.
Tess is just waking up. She stretches her arms out and sits on the couch. She gives me a small smile, “How’d you sleep?”
“Okay, I guess.” It was a dreamless sleep, thankfully. I don’t want to know what my first night of dreams will be like.
“What’re your plans for today?” Tess is moving around the kitchen now, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.
I shrug, “I want to start moving some boxes from this apartment to my new one. I could get all of my stuff out of here today, really. I don’t have very much.”
She smiles, “Great. We can use my car.”
“Thanks.” I smile back at her. Tess always has the solutions to my problems.
We talk some more and then shower and dress. Tess is in a pair of my basketball shorts and a t-shirt. She doesn’t care what she looks like. I love that about her.
I carry boxes while Tess packs up the rest of my stuff. Eventually, she’s helping me load all of the boxes into her car. All of the boxes are going to fit into her CRV with no problem. I live lightly. No need for clutter that you never use. Simple is my lifestyle. It’s easiest that way. Less stress. God knows I don’t need anymore stress in my life.
It’s a three minute drive to my new building, but it would have been way too far to carry all of the boxes. Total walking time is around ten minutes. Not too bad if I ever want to go see Isabel… or anyone. We slowly carry all of the boxes up for floor four. The doorman even helps us with some. I ask Tess if she’ll start making a list of things I’ll need for the kitchen and bathroom while I drive back and load up my bedroom furniture. She agrees.
Three hours later, my apartment’s coming together. It’s small… one main sitting area with a kitchen, one bathroom and one bedroom. But it’s all I need. I’m a single man living in New York City.
I don’t have any furniture yet, besides the stuff I have from my room. I’ll have to go furniture shopping eventually.
Tess and I have my television from my bedroom set up on the floor in the main area of the apartment. She tells me that having a television in your bedroom disrupts your sleep cycle, especially if you sleep with it on. I agree with her that it’s a good move. I don’t watch that much TV, anyways, and now my guests can watch movies and not have to awkwardly sit in the bedroom with me.
I want to paint the apartment, so all of the furniture I have currently is in the center of the respective rooms. Tess and I discuss paint colors idly.
Her phone rings and she starts arguing with whoever it is on the phone. She hangs up after a few minutes. She turns to me apologetically, “Sorry, Max, I have to get going. That was a kid I’m working on a project with for class… apparently something went wrong and I have to go help him.”
I laugh, “You have nothing to apologize for. I’ve eaten up enough of your time to last the week as it is. I’ll call you later. Thank you… for everything.”
She smiles, “Any time, Max.” She picks up her stuff and is going to walk out of the door when she turns back to me, “And, hey, the apartment? It looks amazing.”
She’s gone and there’s a silence in my brain. I start thinking about Liz again. I feel awful. I had been ignoring her presence in my mind all day. I can’t avoid this any longer. I have to go see her. My soul is pining for it. I can’t deny myself any longer. Because I love the girl that I’m supposed to hate. And I can’t help it.
I grab the keys to my apartment and walk down the stairs. I call a cab. The entirety of my ride over, my mind is racing. Suddenly, I remember something. I ask the cab driver to pull over at a corner store and return mere minutes later with a bouquet of sunflowers. Liz’s favorite.
The hospital is a dreary place, no matter how many lives are saved or how many babies are born there. People will always identify them with death. I can’t help it, either. A sob almost escapes me when I realize that this hospital almost took the life of the woman I love. My former best friend. My Liz. The elevator seems to take longer than it should. I’m impatient and growing more impatient by the minute. The door opens, finally, and I emerge into the waiting room.
I run into the people getting off of the elevator next to mine. I apologize and look up. I gasp. My eyes are wide.
It’s the Parkers. Liz’s parents. Of course they would come to New York City. Their daughter was just in a very serious accident.
They both look harried. Nancy has huge bags under her eyes and Jeff’s hair is disheveled. Nonetheless, when they both realize it’s me, they smile. To them, I’m still Liz’s best friend.
“Max! Oh, thank God you were there when Liz got into the accident!” Nancy pulls me into a fierce hug, a tight stifling one, “Who knows what could have happened to her if you weren’t! Thank you so much for looking out for my baby!”
“Nancy, really…” I try to stop her thanks.
Jeff scolds me, “Max, don’t be so modest. You helped Liz out tremendously. I made you promise to look out for her before you two left for college and you did. Thank you, son.”
Jeff and Nancy have come to think of me as a son since the first time Liz and I met. We hung out every single day and rarely were apart. My parents view Liz as a daughter. We are… were… so close.
“Were you going to go see Lizzie? We haven’t been yet. Our plane just arrived…” Jeff’s looking around the waiting room like there will be a huge sign pointing out Liz’s room number to him.
Nancy’s looking at the flowers in my hand, “Oh, Max, you’re too sweet. We didn’t even think to get Liz anything like that… we didn’t really think at all. We dropped everything to get here as soon as possible. I can’t even remember what I threw in my suitcase before we left. Jeff, we should have gotten her something…”
I automatically extend the flowers out to Nancy, “Here, you can give these to her. I’ll go and get something else. Besides, I’m not supposed to be visiting her right now, anyways.” I quickly make up a story, “Liz woke up and Maria took over. She’s pretty much gone hospital Nazi on everyone.”
“We can’t take those…” Nancy’s looking at me funnily.
“No, take them, I insist. It’s no big deal, really.”
“Then we’ll tell her that you bought them.” Nancy presses.
I shake my head, “No, no. Don’t tell her that. As a matter of fact, will you not mention me at all? I uh… I want to surprise her later… with some of her favorite stuff. And I don’t want her to see it coming. Don’t even tell her that I was here.”
Jeff’s looking suspicious, but he doesn’t say anything. He nods, “Okay, Max. Thanks for the flowers.”
I nod. “Liz’s room is right down the hallway.” I tell them the room number and point them in the right direction. Nancy kisses me on the cheek before they go. She’s clutching the sunflowers in her hand like a life raft.
I don’t know where Maria, Alex, Michael or Isabel are. They’re all either in the room or at home. Who knows?
I collapse into a seat in the waiting room. I had worked up my courage to go and see Liz and then… Jeff and Nancy showed up. How can I continue to lie to them and pretend like everything is okay between Liz and me? I don’t know if I have the strength for it. They’re my second parents. They trusted me to watch over Liz and to make sure nothing bad happened to her. And now look what I’ve done? I allowed this whole monstrosity to happen. I enabled her to be hit by that car.. I’m the reason that Liz was MIA the night before she got hit. If I had just sat and listened to her or not been so angry or forgiven her when I had the chance, Liz wouldn’t have gotten hit by that car. She would be safe and well at home. Her parents wouldn’t even had needed to make the trip to New York City all the way from Roswell. I can’t accept Jeff’s thanks
I get back onto the elevator. I can’t see Liz. Not now, while her parents are there. Maybe later… Not now.
My apartment is lonely when I get back. I bypass the TV and go straight to bed.
As I’m laying there, my phone rings. It’s Isabel. I answer.
“Max? Hey.”
“Hey, Isabel.”
“How’re you doing? We saw that you moved out today…”
“Yeah, well, the timing felt right and there was no point in dragging it out.”
“Alex and Michael are thinking about looking for a roommate. They don’t know if they’re going to yet or not. They can pay the rent themselves. They’re thinking about making your room into a game room or something.”
“That’s a good idea. They could fit a nice pool table in there.”
“Yeah.”
“How’re you doing?”
“I’m okay. A little shaken up, I guess, but I’m glad that Liz is going to pull through. The Parkers are going to stay here, in Liz’s room, while she’s in the hospital. You know how they are. They’ll want to be with Liz until she’s recovered.”
“Yeah.”
“I think she misses you, Max. I mean, she hasn’t said it, but we sat with her all day… after you ran out… and she seems really… lost. She kept looking at the door, hoping that someone would come through it. I asked her who she was looking for, but she never gave me a straight answer.”
“Oh.”
“Why did you leave, Max? You were with her for hours, and then she woke up and you ran out before she’d even fully regained consciousness.”
“I… I couldn’t do it, Isabel. I couldn’t be the first person she saw when she woke up.”
“I think she wanted you to be.”
“It’s probably better this way. Less confusing. How’s she doing?”
“Good. She’s in pain, but we all expected that. Her head’s okay, though. She remembers everything.” She laughs. “Gosh, she’s already getting antsy sitting there and doing nothing. She asked me to bring a couple of books for her. I’ll grab some from my shelves.”
“No, no. Only the ones from her room. She hates those trashy paperbacks you read, Isabel. You know that. Give her the ones from her room. She’ll appreciate it a lot more.”
“Why don’t you bring them to her?”
“I don’t know when I’ll be able to make it.”
“Max…”
“I can’t do it, Is. Not with Jeff and Nancy around.”
“I can call you when they’re not there… if you want.”
“Yeah, sure. That’s fine. Listen, I’m about to go to bed so I’ll call you tomorrow, Izzie.”
“Okay. Goodnight, Max. I love you.”
“Love you, too. Goodnight.”
“Oh, and Max?”
“Yeah?”
“The sunflowers were really nice. Liz loved them.”
I panic, “They told her that I got them?!”
“No. But I could tell. Liz’s favorite flowers changed from lilies to sunflowers only a few months ago. I doubt that she would have told her parents a small detail like that. It was only logical that they came from you.”
I sigh in relief, “Oh. Okay.”
“You came back to the hospital today?” She sounds unsurprised.
“Yeah. But then I ran into the Parkers and I…”
“You couldn’t do it. I understand.”
“Goodnight, Is.”
“Night, Max.”
I plug my phone into the charger and fall into another deep, dreamless sleep.
My phone rings again.
I tear my eyes open to see sunlight and look at my phone.
It’s my mother.
She’s probably talked to Jeff and Nancy. She’s going to ask me a million hard questions. I don’t have the answers for some of the questions. I can’t take her third degree. I let it ring to voicemail.
I check the clock on my bedside table. It’s only eight in the morning. I won’t be able to go back to sleep.
So I go for a run. I would go to the gym, but I don’t have the patience for that right now. I avoid running past my old building and the intersection where Liz was hit. I avoid running past Tess’s apartment building. Instead, my feet bring me to the doors of the hospital.
My subconscious mind is always thinking about Liz. I can’t get her out of my head. I need to see her with my own two eyes to really believe that she’s okay.
I’m about to walk in when I hear Nancy’s laugh to my right. I quickly hide myself from plain sight and watch as she and Jeff walk through the hospital’s doors carrying a bag of biscuits and coffees. I should have known that they would be here this early to see Liz. They’re morning people. They do own a diner, after all. I shake my head and pull the leaves from the bush I was hiding behind off of me. I can’t see Liz. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sweaty and disgusting. They probably wouldn’t even allow me into the hospital looking and smelling like this.
It might be a sign, actually. The last two times that I’ve tried to go to visit Liz, something has stopped me. The universe could be trying to tell me that Liz and I, we just aren’t meant to be friends or acquaintances or anything anymore. We had our time together, but nothing was meant to be. I’m not the guy that she should be running to her problems with. I would just get in the way if she had found her other half. He wouldn’t like our friendship. I know Kyle didn’t.
I hate that thought, but it’s probably true. I’m going to have to work on my problems on m own and Liz is going to have to work on hers. The incident was a mistake on both our parts. I wasn’t completely blameless. And as much as I want to go to Liz and scream and yell and make her understand how much it hurt and why, I won’t. Because apparently it wasn’t meant to be that way. I’m going to have to try to work through it on my own. I can do this.
I run back to the apartment and take a shower. Everything’s still really empty. I need to go furniture shopping soon. Someplace cheap, like IKEA. Tess raves about that place. She absolutely loves it. Maybe I can have her show me around or something. Let her and Isabel run through the place with my money and decorate the apartment.
Flowery drapes and pink rugs come to mind.
Okay, maybe I’ll oversee them a little bit. This is my bachelor pad after all.
I make some coffee and pour myself a bowl of cereal, turning on the TV and watching SportsCenter. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any sports with Michael and Alex.
Maybe I can invite them over sometime this week. To watch a game or something. I’m tired of isolating myself from them. I need my friends. I’m going to get really lonely really quickly if I do. It’s different living alone. Eerie, almost.
I head into my room to make my bed really quickly when something catches my eye again.
Liz’s journal.
I shouldn’t read it, but the lure is too great.
What was so important for her to completely forget about watching for traffic and go diving after it?
My fingers brush the pages.
I sit down on my bed, breathe, and open it.
TBC...
Song: Emaline - Ben Folds
-
sprayadhesive
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:19 pm
- Location: Georgia
Re: Broken Innocence (AU,M/L,Mature) pt 11 p2 6/2
Thanks to everyone!! You guys are seriously the best. Dreamerfrvrp3's part below!!
Part 12
Liz POV
The Con
I listened in,
Yes, I'm guilty of this, you should know this.
I broke down and wrote you back,
Before you had a chance to.
Forget forgotten, I am moving past this,
Giving notice.
I have to go,
Yes, I know that feeling, know you're leaving.
Calm down, I'm calling you to say,
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe.
Calm down, I'm calling back to say,
I'm home now and coming around, coming around.
Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.
Spelled out your name and list the reasons.
Faint of heart, don't call me back.
I imagine you and I was distant, not existent.
I followed suit and laid out on my back,
Imagine that.
A million hours left to think of you and think of that.
Calm down, I'm calling you to say,
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe.
Calm down, I'm calling back to say,
I'm home now and coming around, coming around.
Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.
Nobody, nobody, nobody,
Nobody, nobody, nobody,
Nobody, nobody, nobody.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
I hate hospitals. Ever since I broke my arm in third grade swinging back and forth on the monkey bars. It’s so cold and scary. It’s the line that separates life and death. I’ve been here for what feels like years. I never enjoyed being taken care of or being watched ever minute of the day. It’s like I’ve lost all the breathing room that I had. I feel so much pain physically and emotionally. I wish the pain killers would help more. Some of the time I can’t remember if I’m awake or dreaming.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Remember our first road trip? The day after we graduated from high school…we squeezed all of us in that stuffy, old van and just drove north until we decided to stop. Poor Isabel, I’m sure she never felt as distraught as she did then, not knowing where we were going. The queen of details and planning. Sometimes I wish that we could go back to those days… before everything changed, when we knew each other so well…”
I felt his hand brush up against my face pushing my hair out of the way. Was I dreaming?
“I’m afraid, Liz, that things will never be the same. That we will never find our way back to each other. I keep having the same nightmare every night where you get hit by the car and I can’t get to you fast enough, but when I finally do, you’re gone and I can’t find you.” I can hear the tears in his voice and I can see the outline of his body in the dark room. Is this possible?
"I'm not ready to forgive you, and I can't face you, but I'm not ready to lose you, either." His lips brush up against my cheek.
“Max...” I mumble.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“How are you feeling today, Ms. Parker?” Dr. Michaels asks, looking up from his chart.
‘Like I’ve been hit by a car in Manhattan during rush hour’ is what I want to tell him.
“Better, I guess. I’m not as dizzy anymore and the pain isn’t too bad.” I reply somewhat honestly. I need to get out of this hospital. “So, when can I leave?”
“Well, judging by your scans and tests, you’re healing up as to be expected, which means that I can have a nurse bring in your discharge papers in just a few minutes,” he explains with a smile. “You may, however, want to look into a therapist if it’s too much to handle recuperating.”
“Alright, I think I can manage that. Thank you,” I shove the list into my purse next to the bed. Before he leaves, he tells me that I can get dressed and that a nurse should be in shortly.
Hours later, I press my face up against the glass of the car window. I thought that once I left the hospital, I’d be sort of happy. But I feel like I’ve left my safe haven and I have to enter the real world again. With all of my problems in tow. Maria rants on and on about what I’ve been missing out on and how the apartment is lonely without my presence. I nod absently, concentrating on the people rushing down the sidewalk.
“I told Michael the only way that I’d marry him is if we could exchange our vows at the Playboy Mansion…” she adds.
“Seriously?” I ask bewildered.
“Welcome back, sweetie you’ve been on another planet ever since we left the hospital. Thinking about him?”
“I think he came to visit me the other night…I’m not sure though,” I mumble. We pull up in front of the apartment and I collect my belongings from the trunk. I can’t wait to lie down in my own bed.
“I wouldn’t be surprised, you know, he was really worried about you. We all were,” she responds gently. “I’m not sure what we would do without you.”
My room is sparkling clean - as if I just moved in. That’s Nancy Parker for you. When disaster strikes, she tends to take out her emotions on the dirty laundry or the dusty shelves. Funny how accidents bring people together. The second time my parents have seen me at school was because I got hit by a car. They stayed for a few days before I kindly hinted to them that I had enough people taking care of me. I love them dearly but when you’re stuck with them in a small hospital room you tend to go slightly nuts. Something catches my eye lying neatly on my pillow. My journal.
The one thing in my room that’s different. The thing that landed me in the hospital. I thought that I lost it. I flip through the pages checking for any damage or sign that my privacy was violated. A small note slips out between the pages.
Liz,
I picked this up as the ambulance was taking you to the hospital. I didn't read it. You have my word. I need to talk to you, as much as I hate to admit it. Call me.
Max
I pull out my cell and punch in the numbers I know by heart.
“Hello?” I forgot how much I missed the sound of his voice.
"Max, it’s Liz... I got your letter."
"Oh. Okay." He pauses, takes a deep breath. "How are you feeling?"
"Better, I guess. Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to talk?"
"Yeah, I do. And Liz... I was really worried about you. We have, well, a lot to catch up on." I can hear him sigh into the phone. In my mind, I can see him pinching the bridge of his nose like he does when he gets too stressed out. "I need to see and hear that you're alright."
"Okay...just tell me when and where and I'll be there." Stay calm, Liz.
“I was thinking tomorrow... maybe we can meet at the coffee shop we both like. Around noon. Is that okay with you?”
"Of course. I'll see you then...and Max? Thanks."
"Bye, Liz."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After calling Max, I think it would be best if I give the therapist idea a try. I need to talk to someone who won’t judge me and will give advice. Dr. Leslie Phillips is NYU’s resident therapist. I called her up and set up an immediate appointment for tomorrow morning.
I flip through the channels, trying to find something to watch in order to kill time. I wasn’t up to being a third wheel when Maria asked if I wanted to go to see a movie with her and Michael. I finally settled on Sabrina, one of my favorite older movies. I made my special popcorn and continued to kill time until I could go to bed. A half an hour into the movie, Isabel came walking in with shopping bags in hand. Things between us are still tense, but we both avoid the elephant in the room.
“Is that Sabrina?” her eyes widen. Isabel practically worships Audrey Hepburn and owns almost all of her movies. I smile as she drops her bags and plops down next to me, digging into the popcorn. It is almost like old times.
“I’m sorry, Izzie,” I say out of the blue during a commercial break.
It’s easier with her than I thought it was going to be. She simply nods.
“I know you are Liz. It’s going to take sometime for me to trust you again, but you’re forgiven… by me, anyways,” she replies. I brush away a tear as she gives me a hug.
“I’m going to be different,” I state with confidence. “The doctor suggested that I go to therapy…I’m going to become a better person than the girl I used to be.”
“Good. You do deserve to be a better person,” she hugs me tighter and shushes me when the commercial break ends. We spend the rest of the night watching Sabrina and other films, enjoying each other’s company.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I nervously pull at a loose string on the couch in the waiting room. A tall blonde woman comes out and introduces herself as Leslie and invites me into her office. The room is a deep purple with matching furniture. The opposite walls are covered with books and degrees from various colleges. We sit at the table in the corner of the room. She has a notepad in hand.
“So, Liz, let’s get started by you describing yourself to me,” she tells me. I go on to explain my life in great detail: my childhood as an only child, growing and finding best friends, my college life up to my near-death experience. “Do you consider this a rough patch in your life?”
“Yeah, I can say for sure that things haven’t been easy the past couple of months. Ever since I used my best friend, life has gone down hill from there.” She scribbles more words down on the paper and continues to question me about that night. “I was weak and hurt, I guess. I’ve always been Perfect Liz Parker and after a while I couldn’t be that girl anymore. The pressure of everything finally caught up to me and I cracked. I took advantage of the fact that Max would help me no matter what.”
“Who exactly is Max to you?” she questions further.
I think about it for a minute before responding, “He was my other half, in a way. He was my rock. He was always there for me…he was my best friend. The person I ran to whenever something was wrong…I depended on him.”
“You mentioned earlier that he had more than friendly feelings for you. Do you feel somewhat the same way?”
“I think that those feelings were always there for me, I just never wanted to risk losing our great friendship. Sometimes, I wish I would have risked it, but it’s too late now. I blew everything.”
We discuss the matter further, until the topic dies out. I realize that I went over the allotted amount of time with her. Woops. And that was only one session.
“Well, that wraps up today’s session. Do you want to make another appointment for next week?” I nod and thank her.
The anticipation of my meeting with Max grows. I buy a magazine at a stand and grab a coffee while sitting at our favorite spot by the window. Waiting… A half an hour later he comes in. I suck in a breath as he walks toward me.
"Hi, Max," I manage my stomach doing back flips.
He gives me a light smile, one that doesn't reach his eyes. He's worried. I can tell. I've always been able to read his moods. I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath until now. He stands up and pulls out my chair for me. He clears his throat, as if the words are stuck in it, "Hey, Liz. How're you feeling?"
"I'm good, you know, getting hit by a car tends to put a damper in your health," I let out a nervous chuckle. He doesn't laugh. He just continues to stare at me.
"You shouldn't joke, Liz. You got hit by a car. It's really serious. God... if I weren't...." He stops himself after this. I want to know what he wants to say, I really do, but I know it's no longer my place to ask him what he's thinking. There's a wall between us now. It's apparent to us both.
“I’m sorry. I’m not sure that I know how to act around you anymore.” I focus on the words on my coffee cup not wanting to meet his eyes. I never imagined that we would be so awkward around each other. Just like walking on needles.
"I'm not sure I know how to act around you anymore, either." His confession is low, almost whispered under his breath. But, unlike me, I feel his eyes boring holes into my skull. It's an intense feeling. It's like he's searching me for... something. I don't know what.
I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair, “If you don’t mind me asking Max, why did you ask me to come here?”
His eyes are still on me. It's so unnerving. "I just... I can't not talk to you, Liz. As hard as I try to not think about you, to not want to talk to you or care about you.... I can't. You're like this irresistible force that I can't get away from. I hate you for what you did... but, at the same time, I can't hate you. And I just.... I needed to come here and talk to you. Because it's killing me to stay away from you. I need to be able to talk to you when I'm over at your apartment, or Michael's and Alex's..." He pauses, like he doesn't know if he's crossed a line or something.
I cover his hand with mine and gently squeeze it. "I know...believe me I know. Sometimes I wish that we never would have met because if we never would have met...I wouldn't have been there to cause you all this pain. I hate myself for hurting you. I know I can't take back what I did but I need to stop living in the past I need for us to be able to move past it..." I brush away the tears that are falling.
He withdraws his hand from mine the second it makes contact. "I don't regret for a second the fact that I know you... or any of the time we spent together. Those are some of my favorite memories. I regret that I didn't see what was going on the second you came into my apartment that night and being too weak to stop it. And I regret that you ever came to a place in your life where you felt that was necessary. But, Liz, you need to know that you hurt me and that I can't just look past this. It's going to be a long time before I can even think about trusting you again."
"I guess I can accept that, it's better than nothing right?" I manage a weak smile. "Wait... did you say Michael and Alex's? Isn’t it your place too?"
He shifts awkwardly, "No one's told you?" He scratches the back of his ear, a gesture I've grown accustomed to. He does it when he feels out of place. "I, uh... I moved into my own apartment a few days ago. The time seemed right. I got a job at a law firm so I can pay for it now. I just... I needed a change."
"Oh," even to me my voice sounded empty and harsh. "Yeah...I mean that makes sense of course for you to move out and all. I think change is good."
"I'm sorry... that you didn't know yet. I didn't mean to catch you by surprise or upset you or anything. That's the last thing I wanted to do to you straight out of the hospital..."
"Don't worry about it, I'm fine...I'm sure I would have heard it about it sooner or later," I rise from my chair and gather my belongings. "I, um, need to get home and catch up on a few things."
He stands up, his gentlemanly manners shining through despite any situation. He nods, "Yeah, okay. Hey Liz?"
I turn back to face him, "Yeah Max?"
He stares at me, still with those piercing eyes, "Thanks for coming. I appreciate it." I muster up a smile and head home.
“If I do say so myself that went well…awkward but well,” I mutter to myself.
TBC...
Tegan and Sara - The Con
Part 12
Liz POV
The Con
I listened in,
Yes, I'm guilty of this, you should know this.
I broke down and wrote you back,
Before you had a chance to.
Forget forgotten, I am moving past this,
Giving notice.
I have to go,
Yes, I know that feeling, know you're leaving.
Calm down, I'm calling you to say,
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe.
Calm down, I'm calling back to say,
I'm home now and coming around, coming around.
Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.
Spelled out your name and list the reasons.
Faint of heart, don't call me back.
I imagine you and I was distant, not existent.
I followed suit and laid out on my back,
Imagine that.
A million hours left to think of you and think of that.
Calm down, I'm calling you to say,
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe.
Calm down, I'm calling back to say,
I'm home now and coming around, coming around.
Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.
Nobody, nobody, nobody,
Nobody, nobody, nobody,
Nobody, nobody, nobody.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
Encircle me,
I need to be taken down.
I hate hospitals. Ever since I broke my arm in third grade swinging back and forth on the monkey bars. It’s so cold and scary. It’s the line that separates life and death. I’ve been here for what feels like years. I never enjoyed being taken care of or being watched ever minute of the day. It’s like I’ve lost all the breathing room that I had. I feel so much pain physically and emotionally. I wish the pain killers would help more. Some of the time I can’t remember if I’m awake or dreaming.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Remember our first road trip? The day after we graduated from high school…we squeezed all of us in that stuffy, old van and just drove north until we decided to stop. Poor Isabel, I’m sure she never felt as distraught as she did then, not knowing where we were going. The queen of details and planning. Sometimes I wish that we could go back to those days… before everything changed, when we knew each other so well…”
I felt his hand brush up against my face pushing my hair out of the way. Was I dreaming?
“I’m afraid, Liz, that things will never be the same. That we will never find our way back to each other. I keep having the same nightmare every night where you get hit by the car and I can’t get to you fast enough, but when I finally do, you’re gone and I can’t find you.” I can hear the tears in his voice and I can see the outline of his body in the dark room. Is this possible?
"I'm not ready to forgive you, and I can't face you, but I'm not ready to lose you, either." His lips brush up against my cheek.
“Max...” I mumble.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“How are you feeling today, Ms. Parker?” Dr. Michaels asks, looking up from his chart.
‘Like I’ve been hit by a car in Manhattan during rush hour’ is what I want to tell him.
“Better, I guess. I’m not as dizzy anymore and the pain isn’t too bad.” I reply somewhat honestly. I need to get out of this hospital. “So, when can I leave?”
“Well, judging by your scans and tests, you’re healing up as to be expected, which means that I can have a nurse bring in your discharge papers in just a few minutes,” he explains with a smile. “You may, however, want to look into a therapist if it’s too much to handle recuperating.”
“Alright, I think I can manage that. Thank you,” I shove the list into my purse next to the bed. Before he leaves, he tells me that I can get dressed and that a nurse should be in shortly.
Hours later, I press my face up against the glass of the car window. I thought that once I left the hospital, I’d be sort of happy. But I feel like I’ve left my safe haven and I have to enter the real world again. With all of my problems in tow. Maria rants on and on about what I’ve been missing out on and how the apartment is lonely without my presence. I nod absently, concentrating on the people rushing down the sidewalk.
“I told Michael the only way that I’d marry him is if we could exchange our vows at the Playboy Mansion…” she adds.
“Seriously?” I ask bewildered.
“Welcome back, sweetie you’ve been on another planet ever since we left the hospital. Thinking about him?”
“I think he came to visit me the other night…I’m not sure though,” I mumble. We pull up in front of the apartment and I collect my belongings from the trunk. I can’t wait to lie down in my own bed.
“I wouldn’t be surprised, you know, he was really worried about you. We all were,” she responds gently. “I’m not sure what we would do without you.”
My room is sparkling clean - as if I just moved in. That’s Nancy Parker for you. When disaster strikes, she tends to take out her emotions on the dirty laundry or the dusty shelves. Funny how accidents bring people together. The second time my parents have seen me at school was because I got hit by a car. They stayed for a few days before I kindly hinted to them that I had enough people taking care of me. I love them dearly but when you’re stuck with them in a small hospital room you tend to go slightly nuts. Something catches my eye lying neatly on my pillow. My journal.
The one thing in my room that’s different. The thing that landed me in the hospital. I thought that I lost it. I flip through the pages checking for any damage or sign that my privacy was violated. A small note slips out between the pages.
Liz,
I picked this up as the ambulance was taking you to the hospital. I didn't read it. You have my word. I need to talk to you, as much as I hate to admit it. Call me.
Max
I pull out my cell and punch in the numbers I know by heart.
“Hello?” I forgot how much I missed the sound of his voice.
"Max, it’s Liz... I got your letter."
"Oh. Okay." He pauses, takes a deep breath. "How are you feeling?"
"Better, I guess. Did you really mean it when you said you wanted to talk?"
"Yeah, I do. And Liz... I was really worried about you. We have, well, a lot to catch up on." I can hear him sigh into the phone. In my mind, I can see him pinching the bridge of his nose like he does when he gets too stressed out. "I need to see and hear that you're alright."
"Okay...just tell me when and where and I'll be there." Stay calm, Liz.
“I was thinking tomorrow... maybe we can meet at the coffee shop we both like. Around noon. Is that okay with you?”
"Of course. I'll see you then...and Max? Thanks."
"Bye, Liz."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After calling Max, I think it would be best if I give the therapist idea a try. I need to talk to someone who won’t judge me and will give advice. Dr. Leslie Phillips is NYU’s resident therapist. I called her up and set up an immediate appointment for tomorrow morning.
I flip through the channels, trying to find something to watch in order to kill time. I wasn’t up to being a third wheel when Maria asked if I wanted to go to see a movie with her and Michael. I finally settled on Sabrina, one of my favorite older movies. I made my special popcorn and continued to kill time until I could go to bed. A half an hour into the movie, Isabel came walking in with shopping bags in hand. Things between us are still tense, but we both avoid the elephant in the room.
“Is that Sabrina?” her eyes widen. Isabel practically worships Audrey Hepburn and owns almost all of her movies. I smile as she drops her bags and plops down next to me, digging into the popcorn. It is almost like old times.
“I’m sorry, Izzie,” I say out of the blue during a commercial break.
It’s easier with her than I thought it was going to be. She simply nods.
“I know you are Liz. It’s going to take sometime for me to trust you again, but you’re forgiven… by me, anyways,” she replies. I brush away a tear as she gives me a hug.
“I’m going to be different,” I state with confidence. “The doctor suggested that I go to therapy…I’m going to become a better person than the girl I used to be.”
“Good. You do deserve to be a better person,” she hugs me tighter and shushes me when the commercial break ends. We spend the rest of the night watching Sabrina and other films, enjoying each other’s company.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I nervously pull at a loose string on the couch in the waiting room. A tall blonde woman comes out and introduces herself as Leslie and invites me into her office. The room is a deep purple with matching furniture. The opposite walls are covered with books and degrees from various colleges. We sit at the table in the corner of the room. She has a notepad in hand.
“So, Liz, let’s get started by you describing yourself to me,” she tells me. I go on to explain my life in great detail: my childhood as an only child, growing and finding best friends, my college life up to my near-death experience. “Do you consider this a rough patch in your life?”
“Yeah, I can say for sure that things haven’t been easy the past couple of months. Ever since I used my best friend, life has gone down hill from there.” She scribbles more words down on the paper and continues to question me about that night. “I was weak and hurt, I guess. I’ve always been Perfect Liz Parker and after a while I couldn’t be that girl anymore. The pressure of everything finally caught up to me and I cracked. I took advantage of the fact that Max would help me no matter what.”
“Who exactly is Max to you?” she questions further.
I think about it for a minute before responding, “He was my other half, in a way. He was my rock. He was always there for me…he was my best friend. The person I ran to whenever something was wrong…I depended on him.”
“You mentioned earlier that he had more than friendly feelings for you. Do you feel somewhat the same way?”
“I think that those feelings were always there for me, I just never wanted to risk losing our great friendship. Sometimes, I wish I would have risked it, but it’s too late now. I blew everything.”
We discuss the matter further, until the topic dies out. I realize that I went over the allotted amount of time with her. Woops. And that was only one session.
“Well, that wraps up today’s session. Do you want to make another appointment for next week?” I nod and thank her.
The anticipation of my meeting with Max grows. I buy a magazine at a stand and grab a coffee while sitting at our favorite spot by the window. Waiting… A half an hour later he comes in. I suck in a breath as he walks toward me.
"Hi, Max," I manage my stomach doing back flips.
He gives me a light smile, one that doesn't reach his eyes. He's worried. I can tell. I've always been able to read his moods. I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath until now. He stands up and pulls out my chair for me. He clears his throat, as if the words are stuck in it, "Hey, Liz. How're you feeling?"
"I'm good, you know, getting hit by a car tends to put a damper in your health," I let out a nervous chuckle. He doesn't laugh. He just continues to stare at me.
"You shouldn't joke, Liz. You got hit by a car. It's really serious. God... if I weren't...." He stops himself after this. I want to know what he wants to say, I really do, but I know it's no longer my place to ask him what he's thinking. There's a wall between us now. It's apparent to us both.
“I’m sorry. I’m not sure that I know how to act around you anymore.” I focus on the words on my coffee cup not wanting to meet his eyes. I never imagined that we would be so awkward around each other. Just like walking on needles.
"I'm not sure I know how to act around you anymore, either." His confession is low, almost whispered under his breath. But, unlike me, I feel his eyes boring holes into my skull. It's an intense feeling. It's like he's searching me for... something. I don't know what.
I take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair, “If you don’t mind me asking Max, why did you ask me to come here?”
His eyes are still on me. It's so unnerving. "I just... I can't not talk to you, Liz. As hard as I try to not think about you, to not want to talk to you or care about you.... I can't. You're like this irresistible force that I can't get away from. I hate you for what you did... but, at the same time, I can't hate you. And I just.... I needed to come here and talk to you. Because it's killing me to stay away from you. I need to be able to talk to you when I'm over at your apartment, or Michael's and Alex's..." He pauses, like he doesn't know if he's crossed a line or something.
I cover his hand with mine and gently squeeze it. "I know...believe me I know. Sometimes I wish that we never would have met because if we never would have met...I wouldn't have been there to cause you all this pain. I hate myself for hurting you. I know I can't take back what I did but I need to stop living in the past I need for us to be able to move past it..." I brush away the tears that are falling.
He withdraws his hand from mine the second it makes contact. "I don't regret for a second the fact that I know you... or any of the time we spent together. Those are some of my favorite memories. I regret that I didn't see what was going on the second you came into my apartment that night and being too weak to stop it. And I regret that you ever came to a place in your life where you felt that was necessary. But, Liz, you need to know that you hurt me and that I can't just look past this. It's going to be a long time before I can even think about trusting you again."
"I guess I can accept that, it's better than nothing right?" I manage a weak smile. "Wait... did you say Michael and Alex's? Isn’t it your place too?"
He shifts awkwardly, "No one's told you?" He scratches the back of his ear, a gesture I've grown accustomed to. He does it when he feels out of place. "I, uh... I moved into my own apartment a few days ago. The time seemed right. I got a job at a law firm so I can pay for it now. I just... I needed a change."
"Oh," even to me my voice sounded empty and harsh. "Yeah...I mean that makes sense of course for you to move out and all. I think change is good."
"I'm sorry... that you didn't know yet. I didn't mean to catch you by surprise or upset you or anything. That's the last thing I wanted to do to you straight out of the hospital..."
"Don't worry about it, I'm fine...I'm sure I would have heard it about it sooner or later," I rise from my chair and gather my belongings. "I, um, need to get home and catch up on a few things."
He stands up, his gentlemanly manners shining through despite any situation. He nods, "Yeah, okay. Hey Liz?"
I turn back to face him, "Yeah Max?"
He stares at me, still with those piercing eyes, "Thanks for coming. I appreciate it." I muster up a smile and head home.
“If I do say so myself that went well…awkward but well,” I mutter to myself.
TBC...
Tegan and Sara - The Con
-
sprayadhesive
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 187
- Joined: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:19 pm
- Location: Georgia
Re: Broken Innocence (AU,M/L,Mature) a/n 12/10
Feedbacky stuff is on the previous page.
Part 13
Max's POV
I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?
Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me
If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because
(You don't know me at all)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah
(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah
So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
What?
(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)
I spoke with Liz like a civil human being. I know what everyone’s thinking – sure, Max, you talked to her. But you probably only talked to her because of her accident. And you didn’t really get very much accomplished.
Wrong.
In my eyes, at least. Yeah, the accident was a wake-up call. It wasn’t the driving force in my decision, though. I’m not going to be happy and be able to move on with my life until I fully settle things with Liz. I’ve never been one to hold grudges. I don’t believe in that. As much as the last few weeks have changed my life, I won’t let it bring me down anymore than it already has. I can’t. I’m a fairly positive person usually. This won’t define me. I won’t let her affect me anymore. I have my own life to live.
I’ve made more of an effort to get back in with the group. Alex, Michael and I are becoming close again. I’m at their apartment now.
“Earth to Max.” Michael’s hand floats in and out of my vision. I’ve been in a trance for the past few moments, thinking things over.
“Yeah, man?”
“I was just discussing with our lovely friend Alex the pros and cons of ordering a pizza and staying in tonight.”
“Oh… what’re the pros?” It’s easiest to start there. Normally Michael’s list of pros is a lot shorter. He’s the opposite of me. A pessimist, if you will.
“Don’t have to leave the apartment. This means I don’t have to shower, get presentable, nothing. Also we can order pizza, and everyone knows how much I enjoy a good pizza.”
“That sounds good to me.”
“The girls will probably come over.” Alex says, eyeing me warily.
“That’s fine, Alex.” He’s secretly wondering what my reaction to Liz will be. We’ll be fine. We’ve talked about it, remember?
“Stay in it is, then.”
“What’re we gonna do?” Michael groans.
“Isabel’s got a new board game she wants us to play.” Alex considered.
“Maria will probably bring a movie. Or five.” I roll my eyes at Michael’s statement. It’s true. The girls dictate our nights. It’s okay, though. We allow it to happen. If we weren’t so damn lazy, we’d do it ourselves.
“I’m going to invite Tess.” I think of it suddenly.
Michael and Alex look at me strangely. “Is that going to be a problem?”
“No.” Michael inputs quickly. Alex stays quiet.
“We’re friends. She doesn’t know many people, and this is a big city. I would appreciate it if you could all play nice.”
“So you haven’t slept with her?!” Michael all but shouts at me. He’s looking at me like I’m a total moron.
“The difference between you and I, Michael, is that it’s possible for me to be friends with a girl and not think about sleeping with her.”
He’s indignant, “I’ve never thought about sleeping with Liz or Isabel…”
“Isabel’s been dating Alex forever. And you wouldn’t go near Liz because of me. Now that you have Maria, even though you could go for Liz, you won’t.”
He pouts, “Whatever. Still doesn’t explain you and Tess.”
“Tess and I are friends. That’s it.”
“So… no sex?”
“Not with Tess.”
Alex perks up in his chair, “Not with Tess? Then with who, Max?”
Michael jumps on it as well, “You’ve been keeping secrets!!”
I roll my eyes.
“C’mon, man! Share the wealth!”
“Pam Troy.” I spit out the name in apathy. She didn’t mean anything to me.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” Alex crosses his arms. Michael nods his agreement. “Didn’t know if I should believe that you actually slept with her or not though. She’s had her eye on you so long. I wouldn’t put it past her to start the rumor, you know? I kinda thought that her leaving the apartment was something less than that…”
“It’s true.”
Michael presses, “Any others?”
“Jessica… I’m not sure of her last name, really.”
Michael whistles, “Thatta boy.”
“Only them, though. I haven’t had much time to go out since then.”
“Hey, that’s not bad. Two one-night stands in that amount of time? I’d say you’re turning into a regular Don Juan.” Michael urges.
Alex stays quiet. Again.
They’ve always been polar opposites. The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. They complement each other nicely. I think that’s why we’re all such good friends. I’m the mediator between the two… usually.
“If that’s what makes you happy…” Alex trails off.
I don’t answer him. We’re quiet for a second before something occurs to me. I know his train of thought. “Isabel doesn’t know. Don’t tell her. She’ll get on my back about it, and I don’t want to hear her whining. And Michael, try not to bring it up tonight, okay?”
He gets my meaning. I don’t want anyone to flaunt it in Liz’s face.
She’s still recovering from the accident. I’m still hurt by her. Yet, I’m still in love with her. And I would bet that the news would hurt her, for whatever reason. I don’t want to be the one to hurt her again. Not when she’s on the path to healing in more ways than one.
It honestly isn’t going to be as easy as I’ve been making it out to Alex. I’m going to feel awkward as hell. I love Liz, yet I don’t want to love her. I haven’t talked to her in weeks. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act around her. I feel like it would be futile to act like nothing happened. We’ll see how it goes. A lot of this speculation depends on her, as well.
Alex checks his watch, “Maria or Isabel will most likely be calling within the next half hour.”
“Isabel.” I bet.
“Maria. Loser buys pizza for the group.” Michael’s convinced she’s higher strung than she actually is.
Fifteen minutes later, the phone rings. Alex is closest to the phone. “Hello?”
His face lights up. I don’t even have to listen to anything else they’re saying on the phone. I smirk at Michael. He groans.
The plans are set faster than I care to admit. Are we all really that lame that none of us have anything going on tonight?
I decide I should call Tess. I’ve waited long enough as it is. She answers on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Tess. What’s up?”
“Nothing, just got out of the shower. What’re you doing?”
“Hanging out at Alex and Michael’s.”
“Oh, really? That’s interesting. How’s that going for you?”
“Good. We’ve just been watching some hockey games… you know how they are.”
She laughs. “Yeah, I do.”
“Listen, the girls are coming over tonight and I was wondering if you’d want to come, too. We’re watching a movie or two and ordering some pizza, probably.”
“I’m sorry, Max, I’ve kind of got a date.”
“A date? With who? I had no idea.”
“I guess it just didn’t come up. Anyways, that cute guy in the elevator finally asked me out. We’re going to go get some dinner and then go to some club.”
“Awesome. I hope it goes well, Tess, you deserve it.”
Her voice quiets. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay hanging out with Liz like this? You’ve talked to her in passing, yeah, but this is a whole different ball game.”
“I think I can handle it.”
“Oh, sounds good. Let me know how it goes.”
“Same goes for you. I expect a report afterwards.”
“Will do.”
We hang up. Alex’s eyes are on me, a lot more intently than Max was prepared for. Max averted his eyes to Michael, “Tess isn’t coming. She’s got a date.”
“Missed that train?” Michael raises his eyebrows.
I roll my eyes, “For the last time, Michael. We are just friends.”
A while later, I’ve lost track of time by this point, Maria barges into the apartment. She rolls her eyes when she sees us, “Will you three ever change?! I’m sick of walking into this apartment and seeing you guys in the same seats that you’re always in.”
“What’s wrong with it?” Michael frowns at her. “There’s nothing wrong with us liking particular chairs and sitting in them consistently.”
Maria mutters something under her breath, but it sounds eerily like “boring” to me.
Isabel saunters in after her, carrying a board game in her hand. It’s one that I haven’t seen before called Jackass. I guess it could be interesting. It sounds fun, at least.
Liz comes into the room virtually silently, she with a few movies in her possession. She looks at me sheepishly, giving me a small smile before greeting Alex and Michael. My heart is racing. What is wrong with me? I’m hot and flustered. How does she still have this effect on me?
I excuse myself to the kitchen to cool off.
I’m in the middle of putting some ice into a glass when someone clears their throat behind me. I jump, caught off guard, and turn around.
“Oh, hey, Liz.” I move to the sink, filling up the glass with water. “You scared me. I didn’t hear you come in…”
“Are you okay?” She’s frowning at me slightly.
I nod. “Yeah. Just… flustered I guess.” What the hell is wrong with me? Flustered? Why don’t I just admit to the girl here and now the kind of effect she’s having on you? Kill me now.
“I would understand if you don’t want me here. I can leave if you want. I don’t want to impose…”
I laugh, trying to sound much cooler than I feel, “Liz, this isn’t my apartment anymore, so you’re definitely not imposing. And I want you here… I meant what I said in the coffee shop. I want to try to be friends again. Why not start now?”
She seems relieved. “Okay. Cool. Michael sent me in here to order the pizza. What kind do you think I should get?”
This is weird to me. They hardly ever use the apartment phone, preferring to use their cell phones instead. Michael must have planned getting Liz in here with me. He’s not very subtle. I wish he would leave it alone, though. I’ve got to do this in my own time. I can’t have people pressuring me.
“Where’re you getting it from?”
“Sal’s.”
“Cheese, definitely. And maybe a mushroom. Everyone likes mushroom, don’t they?”
“Except for Maria.” She laughs, “She hasn’t quite gotten over the fact that mushrooms are fungus. She’s completely against them. But she only really eats the cheese anyways, so that works.”
I reach for the phone, “Do you want me to order it? You can get back to everyone else…”
“I’d rather not go back just yet.” She scrunches her nose in that cute way that I love. “They were all getting a little too close when I left. I think it’ll be safer to reenter together in a minute or two. Give it some time. You know…”
I roll my eyes, knowing all too well how the couples can get out of hand. Liz and I used to make fun of them so much for it. Secretly, I used to wish that Liz and I were a couple, and that we were doing those things. I realize that we’re laughing together. It feels good. Like home.
“Do you want some Pepsi?” She asks me from her position at the fridge.
I shake my head, “I don’t like it.”
She turns around, looking confused, “I thought you did.”
“Never have.” I shrug.
“You like Coke, then?”
“No.” I laugh. “I don’t like any dark soda.”
She gives me a searching gaze, “Oh. I must have forgotten. Sorry. They have Sprite, though, do you want some of that?”
“Sure, might as well.”
“How’s your new job going?” She asks.
“Good. I’m fitting in well. It’s kind of hard to balance it and classes, but we’ll graduate soon enough. I can get a job there after I graduate, too. They’ve already offered.”
She beams at me, “Max, that’s fantastic! Congratulations!”
“Thanks. I haven’t really decided what I want to do yet. We’ll see. I haven’t told Mom or Dad about it yet… actually, I haven’t told Isabel either.”
“Why not? They would be over the moon.”
“I don’t know if it’s what I want. And I don’t want to get their hopes up if I choose something else…”
“Max, your family would never be disappointed in you. You know that. If you work in your dad’s firm or if you work in China, they’re going to be equally as proud. But, you know, China is a little far from home, so they’d probably miss you.”
“Yeah, probably,” I laugh again. This easy conversation with Liz is just what I needed. It’s helping me to see that if we can just slowly work on our differences and the problems of the past, we can get back to being friends. I know that I want that. No matter what, I want to be able to trust her with my heart again. I don’t care how stupid that sounds. I’m a stupid person, I guess.
“We should probably get in there.” She points over her shoulder, “Break up the love fest.”
“Yeah,” I nod. I follow her through the doors, striking up a loud make believe conversation to get everyone to notice that we’re here now. We’ve used the tactic loads of times. “So then I spilled coffee all over the girl next to me!”
Everyone breaks apart. Isabel rolls her eyes at me, “Great way to get the ladies, Max. Attack them with scorching hot coffee.”
“Hey, lay off, Isabel. Max is holding his own.” Michael beams at me. In return, I glare at him. I glance at Liz to make sure the comment hasn’t caused a problem. She seems fine. Thank God.
Alex senses a brewing problem and jumps to my rescue. I can always count on him for that. He turns to Maria, “So, what movies did you guys bring?”
“Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express,” she responds, practically beaming. “Bet you guys thought I was gonna bring a Tom Cruise movie, huh? Proved you wrong.”
Liz frowns at her, “Uh, Maria, Tom Cruise IS in Tropic Thunder.”
“What?!” Maria shrieks, absolutely giddy. “I had no idea! This is great news. We’re totally watching that one first.”
“I don’t believe that you didn’t know.” Michael shakes his head.
Maria hits him upside the head. Typical.
Isabel pins me with a look that could kill if she wanted it to, “Were you guys not supposed to be in charge of the pizza? Did you order it yet?” I don’t know why she chose me to give the death glare to if she was referring to Michael, Alex and I. The pitfalls of being her brother, I suppose.
I smirk, “Michael’s volunteered to pay for it tonight.”
Isabel turns her gaze to him, thankfully. I was getting a little intimidated. “So? Where is it?”
“Get off my back, Ice Queen.” Michael shrugs.
The room freezes. I can’t believe Michael let that one slip. Actually, I take that back. I can believe it. I completely believe it. Think about what else he’s slipped so far, and I’m sure you can believe it to.
“What. Did. You. Say.?” Isabel grits out.
“I uh…” Michael scratches at the back of the head. “I said that I need to go order the pizza right now. Two cheese and a pepperoni, right?” He starts idly mumbling to himself and runs out of the room.
Isabel turns to Alex, “Did you just hear him?! I know you guys heard that!”
We all shake our heads vigorously. If we deny it, then Isabel can’t explode. Denial, denial, denial. I laugh to myself.
Isabel crosses her arms and pretends to pout. Oh well. She’ll get over it eventually.
Needless to say, forty minutes later the pizza is delivered and Isabel’s completely forgotten about Michael’s slip. We’re about to settle down to eat and watch Tropic Thunder when there’s a scramble for seating. Michael and Maria lay down on the couch, completely oblivious to taking the entire thing up. Isabel and Alex are cuddled up on the couch. That leaves the loveseat to Liz and I. How dreadfully ironic. Instead of her sitting down next to me like I expected, however, she grabs a pillow the couch and rests against the loveseat. She twiddles her feet in front of her like she always does when she’s uncomfortable. If Liz is comfortable, she’s as still as a stone. Needless movements are her nervous habit.
Trouble is, Liz feeling awkward makes me feel awkward. I nervously glance around the room as the previews start. …Only to find everyone staring at me. Maria pointedly looks to me, then to Liz, then to the couch. Isabel shrugs, sighing slightly. This is exactly what I needed. Not. I clear my throat, causing Liz to shift her attention from the television screen to me. I smile lightly, “You can sit up here, you know. I don’t bite.”
She looks at me strangely. “You’re sure? You wouldn’t mind?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” I’m not sure. This whole night has been surreal. It took weeks for me to completely separate my life from Liz’s. I thought I was ready to incorporate her again. I still think I am. But I don’t know if I’m ready for everything to go this fast. I don’t want it to be this forced. Because if it starts this forced, it’s always going to be this forced. We’re just going to end up pretending. Liz shifts positions from the floor to the loveseat next to me.
The others seem satisfy and divert their attention when the movie officially starts. Liz leans towards me and whispers in my ear so quietly that I almost miss what she’s saying, “I’m sorry they made this so awkward. I know that you’re not comfortable.”
For some reason, this gives me the most relief that I’ve felt all night. Since everything that has happened, Liz has felt like a total stranger. This is the first time that she’s seemed like the friend that she once was. I smile at her, hoping to express my thanks that way. I was never good at whispering.
A little into the movie, Michael breaks the silence, making us all jump, “THAT’s Tom Cruise?! Oh my god. This is hilarious. Who the hell would have guessed that? No wonder I didn’t know he was in the movie.” He jabs Maria in the ribs with his elbow, “You carry on drooling over him, Maria. Fat and bald men must really do it for you.”
Alex frowns at him, “Michael, you know that’s make up and costume, right? Tom Cruise doesn’t look anything like that in reality.”
Michael folds his arms across his chest looking satisfied. He nods at Alex. “Yeah, I know. But it’s hilarious to think about Maria thinking about Tom Cruise while he looks like THAT.”
We all roll our eyes. The silence continues until towards the end of the movie.
Liz looks at me, “Robert Downey Jr. got nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for this role, you know.”
“No way.” I scratch my head. “Are you serious? That’s ridiculous.”
“Yeah, I know.” She nods. “Right when I thought I was at the age where I could actually appreciate the films that they nominated for the awards, they had to go and nominate Tropic Thunder.”
“Hey! I happen to really like this movie so far!” Alex inputs.
“You would, Alex.” Liz replies in a slightly condescending tone.
Isabel glares at Liz, “I like it.”
Maria shakes her head, wrinkling her nose, “Not me. It’s like Michael said. They ruined Tom Cruise for me.”
Michael looks like he’s going to object to that in some way, shape or form, but Maria keeps going. “I mean… if you’re going to give Tom Cruise a cameo on a film, at least make him be someone good-looking.”
“Tom Cruise is never good-looking, Maria,” Isabel reaches over from her place on the armchair and pats Maria on the head. I roll my eyes. Here comes another debate.
As they’re arguing, Liz briefly places her hand on mine. She withdraws it sharply when I look at her, seemingly holding her breath. I chastise myself for missing her touch. I shouldn’t be this affected by her. She’s hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has. I can’t forgive her this easily. I won’t. She mutters, “Sorry. I was just… I was wondering if you wanted any more Sprite.”
I shake my head. I glance at her cup and my cup. They’re both still halfway full. I give her a questioning look, and she blushes. She mumbles out guiltily, “I’m just trying to make things less awkward. This probably isn’t on the top of your list of fun things to do at this point. I know that the others guilted you into coming for ‘old time’s sake’ or whatever, but I just… I really appreciate it, you know? So thanks for giving me the chance.”
“I don’t think it’s really giving you a chance, Liz. Not yet. We’ve got to take it slow, okay? I’m gonna be around hanging out with everyone and I eventually want to be friends, but that’s not going to happen miraculously fast.”
“Yeah, I know.” She nods. “I’ve been thinking about that. If I didn’t even realize that you don’t like Coke, what else don’t I know? That little thing made me question how much I actually know about you versus how much I thought I know about you. It kind of scares me to find out.”
“That goes both ways. We’re operating on what we thought our friendship should have been instead of focusing on each other like we should have. I’m just as anxious to find out those things about you.”
She nods, looking a little less tense. Tonight has been better than expected. I’m hoping that it will be enough to kick off our fresh start on the right foot.
We snap out of our own world to realize that the others’ argument is dying down with the general conclusion that Tom Cruise is too creepy to be good looking (most likely due to Michael and Isabel loudly stating their opinions and Alex failing to back up Maria adequately).
Alex stands up and puts Pineapple Express in. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything’s with Liz is going to continue in this direction.
TBC...
Ben Folds - You Don't Know Me
Part 13
Max's POV
I wanna ask you -
Do you ever sit and wonder,
It's so strange
That we could be together for
So long, and never know, never care
What goes on in the other one's head?
Things I've felt but I've never said
You said things that I never said
So I'll say something that I should have said long ago:
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
You could have just propped me up on the table like a mannequin
Or a cardboard stand-up and paint me (paint me)
Any face that you wanted me
To be seen.
We're
Damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes.
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize,
But can you go back once you know
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me
If I'm the person that you think I am (Ah ah ahh)
Clueless chump you seem to think I am (Ah ah ahhh)
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the f**k would you want me back?!
Maybe it's because
(You don't know me at all)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah
(You don't know me,
you don't know me.)
Ahhh ah
Ahhh ah
So, what I'm trying to say is
What (What?)
I'm trying to tell you
It's not gonna come out like I wanna say it cause I know you'll only change it.
(Say it.)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all
(You don't know me)
You don't know me at all (at all)
What?
(Mmmm, ohh oh
Ah ah ah ah ah
Aha ah ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Aha ah
Ah ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Oh-oh-oh-oh oh ohh)
I spoke with Liz like a civil human being. I know what everyone’s thinking – sure, Max, you talked to her. But you probably only talked to her because of her accident. And you didn’t really get very much accomplished.
Wrong.
In my eyes, at least. Yeah, the accident was a wake-up call. It wasn’t the driving force in my decision, though. I’m not going to be happy and be able to move on with my life until I fully settle things with Liz. I’ve never been one to hold grudges. I don’t believe in that. As much as the last few weeks have changed my life, I won’t let it bring me down anymore than it already has. I can’t. I’m a fairly positive person usually. This won’t define me. I won’t let her affect me anymore. I have my own life to live.
I’ve made more of an effort to get back in with the group. Alex, Michael and I are becoming close again. I’m at their apartment now.
“Earth to Max.” Michael’s hand floats in and out of my vision. I’ve been in a trance for the past few moments, thinking things over.
“Yeah, man?”
“I was just discussing with our lovely friend Alex the pros and cons of ordering a pizza and staying in tonight.”
“Oh… what’re the pros?” It’s easiest to start there. Normally Michael’s list of pros is a lot shorter. He’s the opposite of me. A pessimist, if you will.
“Don’t have to leave the apartment. This means I don’t have to shower, get presentable, nothing. Also we can order pizza, and everyone knows how much I enjoy a good pizza.”
“That sounds good to me.”
“The girls will probably come over.” Alex says, eyeing me warily.
“That’s fine, Alex.” He’s secretly wondering what my reaction to Liz will be. We’ll be fine. We’ve talked about it, remember?
“Stay in it is, then.”
“What’re we gonna do?” Michael groans.
“Isabel’s got a new board game she wants us to play.” Alex considered.
“Maria will probably bring a movie. Or five.” I roll my eyes at Michael’s statement. It’s true. The girls dictate our nights. It’s okay, though. We allow it to happen. If we weren’t so damn lazy, we’d do it ourselves.
“I’m going to invite Tess.” I think of it suddenly.
Michael and Alex look at me strangely. “Is that going to be a problem?”
“No.” Michael inputs quickly. Alex stays quiet.
“We’re friends. She doesn’t know many people, and this is a big city. I would appreciate it if you could all play nice.”
“So you haven’t slept with her?!” Michael all but shouts at me. He’s looking at me like I’m a total moron.
“The difference between you and I, Michael, is that it’s possible for me to be friends with a girl and not think about sleeping with her.”
He’s indignant, “I’ve never thought about sleeping with Liz or Isabel…”
“Isabel’s been dating Alex forever. And you wouldn’t go near Liz because of me. Now that you have Maria, even though you could go for Liz, you won’t.”
He pouts, “Whatever. Still doesn’t explain you and Tess.”
“Tess and I are friends. That’s it.”
“So… no sex?”
“Not with Tess.”
Alex perks up in his chair, “Not with Tess? Then with who, Max?”
Michael jumps on it as well, “You’ve been keeping secrets!!”
I roll my eyes.
“C’mon, man! Share the wealth!”
“Pam Troy.” I spit out the name in apathy. She didn’t mean anything to me.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” Alex crosses his arms. Michael nods his agreement. “Didn’t know if I should believe that you actually slept with her or not though. She’s had her eye on you so long. I wouldn’t put it past her to start the rumor, you know? I kinda thought that her leaving the apartment was something less than that…”
“It’s true.”
Michael presses, “Any others?”
“Jessica… I’m not sure of her last name, really.”
Michael whistles, “Thatta boy.”
“Only them, though. I haven’t had much time to go out since then.”
“Hey, that’s not bad. Two one-night stands in that amount of time? I’d say you’re turning into a regular Don Juan.” Michael urges.
Alex stays quiet. Again.
They’ve always been polar opposites. The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. They complement each other nicely. I think that’s why we’re all such good friends. I’m the mediator between the two… usually.
“If that’s what makes you happy…” Alex trails off.
I don’t answer him. We’re quiet for a second before something occurs to me. I know his train of thought. “Isabel doesn’t know. Don’t tell her. She’ll get on my back about it, and I don’t want to hear her whining. And Michael, try not to bring it up tonight, okay?”
He gets my meaning. I don’t want anyone to flaunt it in Liz’s face.
She’s still recovering from the accident. I’m still hurt by her. Yet, I’m still in love with her. And I would bet that the news would hurt her, for whatever reason. I don’t want to be the one to hurt her again. Not when she’s on the path to healing in more ways than one.
It honestly isn’t going to be as easy as I’ve been making it out to Alex. I’m going to feel awkward as hell. I love Liz, yet I don’t want to love her. I haven’t talked to her in weeks. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act around her. I feel like it would be futile to act like nothing happened. We’ll see how it goes. A lot of this speculation depends on her, as well.
Alex checks his watch, “Maria or Isabel will most likely be calling within the next half hour.”
“Isabel.” I bet.
“Maria. Loser buys pizza for the group.” Michael’s convinced she’s higher strung than she actually is.
Fifteen minutes later, the phone rings. Alex is closest to the phone. “Hello?”
His face lights up. I don’t even have to listen to anything else they’re saying on the phone. I smirk at Michael. He groans.
The plans are set faster than I care to admit. Are we all really that lame that none of us have anything going on tonight?
I decide I should call Tess. I’ve waited long enough as it is. She answers on the third ring.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Tess. What’s up?”
“Nothing, just got out of the shower. What’re you doing?”
“Hanging out at Alex and Michael’s.”
“Oh, really? That’s interesting. How’s that going for you?”
“Good. We’ve just been watching some hockey games… you know how they are.”
She laughs. “Yeah, I do.”
“Listen, the girls are coming over tonight and I was wondering if you’d want to come, too. We’re watching a movie or two and ordering some pizza, probably.”
“I’m sorry, Max, I’ve kind of got a date.”
“A date? With who? I had no idea.”
“I guess it just didn’t come up. Anyways, that cute guy in the elevator finally asked me out. We’re going to go get some dinner and then go to some club.”
“Awesome. I hope it goes well, Tess, you deserve it.”
Her voice quiets. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay hanging out with Liz like this? You’ve talked to her in passing, yeah, but this is a whole different ball game.”
“I think I can handle it.”
“Oh, sounds good. Let me know how it goes.”
“Same goes for you. I expect a report afterwards.”
“Will do.”
We hang up. Alex’s eyes are on me, a lot more intently than Max was prepared for. Max averted his eyes to Michael, “Tess isn’t coming. She’s got a date.”
“Missed that train?” Michael raises his eyebrows.
I roll my eyes, “For the last time, Michael. We are just friends.”
A while later, I’ve lost track of time by this point, Maria barges into the apartment. She rolls her eyes when she sees us, “Will you three ever change?! I’m sick of walking into this apartment and seeing you guys in the same seats that you’re always in.”
“What’s wrong with it?” Michael frowns at her. “There’s nothing wrong with us liking particular chairs and sitting in them consistently.”
Maria mutters something under her breath, but it sounds eerily like “boring” to me.
Isabel saunters in after her, carrying a board game in her hand. It’s one that I haven’t seen before called Jackass. I guess it could be interesting. It sounds fun, at least.
Liz comes into the room virtually silently, she with a few movies in her possession. She looks at me sheepishly, giving me a small smile before greeting Alex and Michael. My heart is racing. What is wrong with me? I’m hot and flustered. How does she still have this effect on me?
I excuse myself to the kitchen to cool off.
I’m in the middle of putting some ice into a glass when someone clears their throat behind me. I jump, caught off guard, and turn around.
“Oh, hey, Liz.” I move to the sink, filling up the glass with water. “You scared me. I didn’t hear you come in…”
“Are you okay?” She’s frowning at me slightly.
I nod. “Yeah. Just… flustered I guess.” What the hell is wrong with me? Flustered? Why don’t I just admit to the girl here and now the kind of effect she’s having on you? Kill me now.
“I would understand if you don’t want me here. I can leave if you want. I don’t want to impose…”
I laugh, trying to sound much cooler than I feel, “Liz, this isn’t my apartment anymore, so you’re definitely not imposing. And I want you here… I meant what I said in the coffee shop. I want to try to be friends again. Why not start now?”
She seems relieved. “Okay. Cool. Michael sent me in here to order the pizza. What kind do you think I should get?”
This is weird to me. They hardly ever use the apartment phone, preferring to use their cell phones instead. Michael must have planned getting Liz in here with me. He’s not very subtle. I wish he would leave it alone, though. I’ve got to do this in my own time. I can’t have people pressuring me.
“Where’re you getting it from?”
“Sal’s.”
“Cheese, definitely. And maybe a mushroom. Everyone likes mushroom, don’t they?”
“Except for Maria.” She laughs, “She hasn’t quite gotten over the fact that mushrooms are fungus. She’s completely against them. But she only really eats the cheese anyways, so that works.”
I reach for the phone, “Do you want me to order it? You can get back to everyone else…”
“I’d rather not go back just yet.” She scrunches her nose in that cute way that I love. “They were all getting a little too close when I left. I think it’ll be safer to reenter together in a minute or two. Give it some time. You know…”
I roll my eyes, knowing all too well how the couples can get out of hand. Liz and I used to make fun of them so much for it. Secretly, I used to wish that Liz and I were a couple, and that we were doing those things. I realize that we’re laughing together. It feels good. Like home.
“Do you want some Pepsi?” She asks me from her position at the fridge.
I shake my head, “I don’t like it.”
She turns around, looking confused, “I thought you did.”
“Never have.” I shrug.
“You like Coke, then?”
“No.” I laugh. “I don’t like any dark soda.”
She gives me a searching gaze, “Oh. I must have forgotten. Sorry. They have Sprite, though, do you want some of that?”
“Sure, might as well.”
“How’s your new job going?” She asks.
“Good. I’m fitting in well. It’s kind of hard to balance it and classes, but we’ll graduate soon enough. I can get a job there after I graduate, too. They’ve already offered.”
She beams at me, “Max, that’s fantastic! Congratulations!”
“Thanks. I haven’t really decided what I want to do yet. We’ll see. I haven’t told Mom or Dad about it yet… actually, I haven’t told Isabel either.”
“Why not? They would be over the moon.”
“I don’t know if it’s what I want. And I don’t want to get their hopes up if I choose something else…”
“Max, your family would never be disappointed in you. You know that. If you work in your dad’s firm or if you work in China, they’re going to be equally as proud. But, you know, China is a little far from home, so they’d probably miss you.”
“Yeah, probably,” I laugh again. This easy conversation with Liz is just what I needed. It’s helping me to see that if we can just slowly work on our differences and the problems of the past, we can get back to being friends. I know that I want that. No matter what, I want to be able to trust her with my heart again. I don’t care how stupid that sounds. I’m a stupid person, I guess.
“We should probably get in there.” She points over her shoulder, “Break up the love fest.”
“Yeah,” I nod. I follow her through the doors, striking up a loud make believe conversation to get everyone to notice that we’re here now. We’ve used the tactic loads of times. “So then I spilled coffee all over the girl next to me!”
Everyone breaks apart. Isabel rolls her eyes at me, “Great way to get the ladies, Max. Attack them with scorching hot coffee.”
“Hey, lay off, Isabel. Max is holding his own.” Michael beams at me. In return, I glare at him. I glance at Liz to make sure the comment hasn’t caused a problem. She seems fine. Thank God.
Alex senses a brewing problem and jumps to my rescue. I can always count on him for that. He turns to Maria, “So, what movies did you guys bring?”
“Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express,” she responds, practically beaming. “Bet you guys thought I was gonna bring a Tom Cruise movie, huh? Proved you wrong.”
Liz frowns at her, “Uh, Maria, Tom Cruise IS in Tropic Thunder.”
“What?!” Maria shrieks, absolutely giddy. “I had no idea! This is great news. We’re totally watching that one first.”
“I don’t believe that you didn’t know.” Michael shakes his head.
Maria hits him upside the head. Typical.
Isabel pins me with a look that could kill if she wanted it to, “Were you guys not supposed to be in charge of the pizza? Did you order it yet?” I don’t know why she chose me to give the death glare to if she was referring to Michael, Alex and I. The pitfalls of being her brother, I suppose.
I smirk, “Michael’s volunteered to pay for it tonight.”
Isabel turns her gaze to him, thankfully. I was getting a little intimidated. “So? Where is it?”
“Get off my back, Ice Queen.” Michael shrugs.
The room freezes. I can’t believe Michael let that one slip. Actually, I take that back. I can believe it. I completely believe it. Think about what else he’s slipped so far, and I’m sure you can believe it to.
“What. Did. You. Say.?” Isabel grits out.
“I uh…” Michael scratches at the back of the head. “I said that I need to go order the pizza right now. Two cheese and a pepperoni, right?” He starts idly mumbling to himself and runs out of the room.
Isabel turns to Alex, “Did you just hear him?! I know you guys heard that!”
We all shake our heads vigorously. If we deny it, then Isabel can’t explode. Denial, denial, denial. I laugh to myself.
Isabel crosses her arms and pretends to pout. Oh well. She’ll get over it eventually.
Needless to say, forty minutes later the pizza is delivered and Isabel’s completely forgotten about Michael’s slip. We’re about to settle down to eat and watch Tropic Thunder when there’s a scramble for seating. Michael and Maria lay down on the couch, completely oblivious to taking the entire thing up. Isabel and Alex are cuddled up on the couch. That leaves the loveseat to Liz and I. How dreadfully ironic. Instead of her sitting down next to me like I expected, however, she grabs a pillow the couch and rests against the loveseat. She twiddles her feet in front of her like she always does when she’s uncomfortable. If Liz is comfortable, she’s as still as a stone. Needless movements are her nervous habit.
Trouble is, Liz feeling awkward makes me feel awkward. I nervously glance around the room as the previews start. …Only to find everyone staring at me. Maria pointedly looks to me, then to Liz, then to the couch. Isabel shrugs, sighing slightly. This is exactly what I needed. Not. I clear my throat, causing Liz to shift her attention from the television screen to me. I smile lightly, “You can sit up here, you know. I don’t bite.”
She looks at me strangely. “You’re sure? You wouldn’t mind?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” I’m not sure. This whole night has been surreal. It took weeks for me to completely separate my life from Liz’s. I thought I was ready to incorporate her again. I still think I am. But I don’t know if I’m ready for everything to go this fast. I don’t want it to be this forced. Because if it starts this forced, it’s always going to be this forced. We’re just going to end up pretending. Liz shifts positions from the floor to the loveseat next to me.
The others seem satisfy and divert their attention when the movie officially starts. Liz leans towards me and whispers in my ear so quietly that I almost miss what she’s saying, “I’m sorry they made this so awkward. I know that you’re not comfortable.”
For some reason, this gives me the most relief that I’ve felt all night. Since everything that has happened, Liz has felt like a total stranger. This is the first time that she’s seemed like the friend that she once was. I smile at her, hoping to express my thanks that way. I was never good at whispering.
A little into the movie, Michael breaks the silence, making us all jump, “THAT’s Tom Cruise?! Oh my god. This is hilarious. Who the hell would have guessed that? No wonder I didn’t know he was in the movie.” He jabs Maria in the ribs with his elbow, “You carry on drooling over him, Maria. Fat and bald men must really do it for you.”
Alex frowns at him, “Michael, you know that’s make up and costume, right? Tom Cruise doesn’t look anything like that in reality.”
Michael folds his arms across his chest looking satisfied. He nods at Alex. “Yeah, I know. But it’s hilarious to think about Maria thinking about Tom Cruise while he looks like THAT.”
We all roll our eyes. The silence continues until towards the end of the movie.
Liz looks at me, “Robert Downey Jr. got nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for this role, you know.”
“No way.” I scratch my head. “Are you serious? That’s ridiculous.”
“Yeah, I know.” She nods. “Right when I thought I was at the age where I could actually appreciate the films that they nominated for the awards, they had to go and nominate Tropic Thunder.”
“Hey! I happen to really like this movie so far!” Alex inputs.
“You would, Alex.” Liz replies in a slightly condescending tone.
Isabel glares at Liz, “I like it.”
Maria shakes her head, wrinkling her nose, “Not me. It’s like Michael said. They ruined Tom Cruise for me.”
Michael looks like he’s going to object to that in some way, shape or form, but Maria keeps going. “I mean… if you’re going to give Tom Cruise a cameo on a film, at least make him be someone good-looking.”
“Tom Cruise is never good-looking, Maria,” Isabel reaches over from her place on the armchair and pats Maria on the head. I roll my eyes. Here comes another debate.
As they’re arguing, Liz briefly places her hand on mine. She withdraws it sharply when I look at her, seemingly holding her breath. I chastise myself for missing her touch. I shouldn’t be this affected by her. She’s hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has. I can’t forgive her this easily. I won’t. She mutters, “Sorry. I was just… I was wondering if you wanted any more Sprite.”
I shake my head. I glance at her cup and my cup. They’re both still halfway full. I give her a questioning look, and she blushes. She mumbles out guiltily, “I’m just trying to make things less awkward. This probably isn’t on the top of your list of fun things to do at this point. I know that the others guilted you into coming for ‘old time’s sake’ or whatever, but I just… I really appreciate it, you know? So thanks for giving me the chance.”
“I don’t think it’s really giving you a chance, Liz. Not yet. We’ve got to take it slow, okay? I’m gonna be around hanging out with everyone and I eventually want to be friends, but that’s not going to happen miraculously fast.”
“Yeah, I know.” She nods. “I’ve been thinking about that. If I didn’t even realize that you don’t like Coke, what else don’t I know? That little thing made me question how much I actually know about you versus how much I thought I know about you. It kind of scares me to find out.”
“That goes both ways. We’re operating on what we thought our friendship should have been instead of focusing on each other like we should have. I’m just as anxious to find out those things about you.”
She nods, looking a little less tense. Tonight has been better than expected. I’m hoping that it will be enough to kick off our fresh start on the right foot.
We snap out of our own world to realize that the others’ argument is dying down with the general conclusion that Tom Cruise is too creepy to be good looking (most likely due to Michael and Isabel loudly stating their opinions and Alex failing to back up Maria adequately).
Alex stands up and puts Pineapple Express in. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything’s with Liz is going to continue in this direction.
TBC...
Ben Folds - You Don't Know Me
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dreamerfrvrp3
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