Finished Canon/Conventional Couple Fics. These stories pick up from events in the show. All complete stories from the main Canon/CC board will eventually be moved here.
Title: Anniversary Resolutions: A Parody of Writing and Posting in Roswell Land
Author: suicide_eagle_rath
Rating: Mature (some language)
Pairing: CC
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Melinda Metz, Jason Katims, WB and UPN. They are not mine and no infringement intended.
Summary: Lessons learned over the year: OR if you have ever done one of these you should be whipped with a wet noodle and be required to write on the blackboard 1000 I will never do this again. So be honest does any of these sound familiar?
Author’s note: If you have no sense of humor DO NOT READ
<center>Anniversary Resolutions
A Parody of Writing and Posting in Roswell land
My 100 TOP Resolutions
Please repeat after me: </center>
1) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day.
2) In the coming year I will finish the stories sitting in the computer for the last 3, 4, 5 plus years
3) In the coming year I will refrain from using my cool “Roswell user name” in a bar while hitting on men /women.
4) In the coming year if a writer offends my beloved character I will refrain from blasting that story on chat sites and in pm’s saying how terrible it is and the writer. Instead I shall lurk outside their windows at night leaving subliminal messages …. “Yes (insert name) is very good. (insert name) is the greatest writer. All bow down to (insert name).”
5) In the coming year I will endeavor with all my might stop calling the so-called “normal” people (those who turn their nose up to fanfiction writers in Roswell-Land). I will no longer call these uncreative, no imagination, dull, drugged induced stupor, hive mentality, cow turds to their “cyber” faces. Instead I will call them uncreative, no imagination, dull, drugged induced stupor, hive mentality, cow turds to their “cyber” asses.
6) In the coming year I shall avoid being cloaked on Yahoo or MSN in a vain attempt to hide from my betas. Hint….. they can sense you.
7) In the coming year I will remember not to drink the bottle of wine BEFORE I begin writing, instead AFTER I am done. Unless of course what I wrote was a masterpiece then I may be tempted to initiate a new prewriting tradition.
8 ) In the coming year I will refrain from positing the following comment on my stories that lack feedback: “My crappy story still needs attention, for no real reason other than it boosts my self-esteem and makes me feel better about myself. Hey I am serious. If you need proof that I am on the edge here then just watch. If I don't get a response in a week, I will start smoking cigarettes, drinking heavily, sleeping around, and being a general ass. If this still does not work I will hold my breath till I turn blue.” … hint it did not work
9) In the coming year if I cannot see the difference between a story and real life then I seriously need to look into psychoanalysis.
10 ) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. Furthermore in the coming year I will refrain from comparing every guy to Max or Michael and every girl to Liz or Isabel that I meet.
11) In the coming year I will try to remember those who write in the other areas (CC/UC/AU/Slash) have a right to live. Really!!!!!
12) In the coming year I will endeavor to “Speel” better and will professional computer geek who has the ability to enable spell check on my word processing program.
13) In the coming year I will endeavor to give every new author a look-see. For everyone at least deserves a chance.
14) In the coming year I will refrain from using the terms “chicka”, “spaceboy”, reference to “Max’s eyes”, or detailing the length of the male “love machine” as huge, large girth. >>>>But be honest it is fantasy do you really want average or a LONG THICK ROCK HARD………………….<<<<
15) In the coming year I will attempt to control the length of my story, exceeding 400 parts may indicate the story is a little LONG.
16) In the coming year I will not base a character’s looks, actions, emotions, or tributes on a friend from my real life world. And if I do I will CHANGE my name, city, and sex because when she reads what I wrote about her being a pig slob-humping whore I will be dead.
17) In the coming year I will compliment another author on their terrific story by actually writing to them. Seems as though my mind transference of information is still is not working.
18 ) In the coming year I will refrain from bad grammar. About sentence fragments? I won't do. Never. Ever. And I won't start a sentence with a conjunction. Geesh……
19) In the coming year I will dedicate myself to hard research comprising of at least one hour instead of the usual glance in google and taking the first sentence.
20 ) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. Nor will I dream hour after hour of “sleeping” in Michael’s bed (of course he has to be there, geesh) or on the sofa in Michael’s apartment with Max.
21) In the coming year I will not flame another writer just because he or she killed, abused, or maimed my favorite adored character. Instead I shall reinstate the Spanish Inquisition for such “people”.
22) In the coming year I will endeavor to steal ideas only from those writers I can capable of outrunning. Or at least be smart enough to change more than just the title and author name.
23) In the coming year I will respect all writers and understand that people see characters different. There is no bad characterizes only bad readers who are very, very mean. Pooh on you all, you know who you are.
24) In the coming year I will actually finish at least one idea, project, story, sentence, word, before beginning six others. (Yeah like that will happen. If I did that this silly list would never happen)
25) In the coming year I will stop calling those who do not like CC/UC/AU/Slash …. "Blasphemers". Including the traditional spitting on the ground and washing mouth out with Scope after mentioning the before mentioned foul area.
26) In the coming year I will attempt to give a logical and reasonable explanation on why Roswell is crossed with whatever television show. How the characters are interconnected and not the usual “oops” they bumped into each other on the street one-day concept.
27) In the coming year I will never write with more than one co-author. If I ever fall into the threesome of writing, or forbid an orgy of co-writers you may at anytime delete my name from existence.
28 ) In the coming year I will stop talking about writing erotica/porn/slash and actually write it under this pen name not the other one I am keeping a secret. Shhh that is a secret….
29) In the coming year I will not use feedback just to promote my own stories or to promote another author’s stories. Nor will I use feedback to dumping ground for tons of information on something I just learned about that has nothing to do with the author or subject. Instead I will use feedback to actually talk about the story.
30 ) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. I will also start a campaign to bring back “BOB, the jeep”. Sex in the open dessert with Max and/ or Michael in that jeep, now that is my kind of fantasy story.
31) In the coming year I will not use condoms as balloons when I am bored and staring at a blank screen. Instead I will invest in animal balloons thus learning a potentially lucrative trade. BALLON ANIMALS by (insert name here).
32) In the coming year I will not drive my readers crazy with nondescript sentences, no plot stories, or weird sexual positions that are impossible even for monkey sex let alone mind blowing alien sex.
33) In the coming year I will not drive myself insane, although that may be hard to do considering I am already living in a little “white sterile room at Happy Land” ……. “It is happy here. We play games here. They feed us well. See me smiling. Everyone smiles here. They give us happy pills.”
34) In the coming year I will actually use the betas that offered to help me so I will not look like an ass when I post a new story or segment. (Yeah I blew that one already, check out all the boo-boos in this selection.)
35) In the coming year I will read the first story in a series instead of the middle or last then emailing the author going WTF??? HOW?? WHAT?? WHERE??….. all the answers were in the first of the series.
36) In the coming year I will not flame, email bomb, harass, or otherwise excommunicate and kill the next person who absconds with my fantastic title to be used on another story or fandom.
37) In the coming year I will not attempt to FIX all of Roswell plot holes, inconsistencies, vast chasms in the story line in just one Fictional piece….. unless it runs over the 400 chapter limit, thus treading into the “Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire” concept.
38 ) In the coming year I will not let myself get “duped” into a challenge that causes me to overload my work schedule, delve into my energy drinks, and basically exist on aspirin because my ass fell asleep writing the challenges that I was too stupid to say NO to.
39) In the coming year I will make sure a character I wrote as DEAD, stays dead unless it amuses me to suddenly have him spring back to life for the purpose of shock, sex, or playing God.
40 ) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath,or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. I will not dream of threesomes with me in the middle of a Zan and Max sandwich. Oh the hell with Liz, throw her out of the bed. I want them all for myself. Hmmm where is Rath and Michael.. hmmmm FOUR …
41) In the coming year I will write all those fic ideas and plot bunnies that I think of but 10 minutes later they hop away into the night never to be seen or heard of again.
42) In the coming year I will not make my characters take the proverbial soapbox and force my views on politics, religion, economics, health, or the environment down people’s throats.
43) In the coming year I endeavor to make my banners instead of absconding them from another site and changing the name. If I am incapable of changing the name on the banner then I will change the name of the story to fit. I also resolve also to take up long distance running to outrun the artist who will be hot on my ass for taking their work. By the way that is a secret…shhhh
44) In the coming year I will definitely not listen to my inner muse, who is insisting that I kill everyone off in original sadistic cruel methods. Instead I will follow the bouncy happy ball and write fluffy and sweet unicorns, teddies, and fairies for a change.
45) In the coming year I will definitely not listen to my inner muse, who dangles the bouncy happy ball in front of my face to follow writing fluffy and sweet unicorns, teddies, and fairies. For a change I will walk in another writer’s moccasins and write stories of blood, gore, horror, and yes dare I say it SEX.
46) In the coming year I feedback people and participate in the nomination rounds and games on my favorite boards, instead of lurking in their dark recess, coming out only at night to feed.
47) In the coming year I will not lurk in the bowels of the board. Instead I will put on my lurkdom trench-coat and flash each and every reader/ author/ admin/mod
48 ) In the coming year I will quite talking about writing my stories and actually write them.
49) In the coming year I will refrain from writing a story about maiming or killing another writer who pissed me off no matter HOW GOOD it feels.
50 ) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. I promise to be on my best behavior and will quite stalking the real life counterparts at airports, restaurants, shopping area, weddings……
51) In the coming year I will not tell an author their story stinks or is ewwwww because it had a character I did not like in it, regardless of how exceptional the story may be. Yet I still reserve the right to say I am not interested in polite tones to the cyber audience. Then gag and retch into the toilet in private.
52) In the coming year I will let my story follow in it own course and quit trying what I the writer wants the story to go…… NO WAIT THAT IS WRONG…………I am the creator,, the story will do my bidding.. Muahahaha….
53) In the coming year I will not intentionally make a Roswell plot that is so confusing and complicated one needs a road map of New Mexico. If I do so I authorize all potentially crazed writers to tie me up and force me to read “One fish Two Fish” over and over.
54) In the coming year I will at least read the summary instead of looking at the title or coupling to see if the story is interesting concept that I may actually enjoy reading.
55) In the coming year I will not give EVERY character in the story a twisted, demented and or and tragic past. Instead I shall resolve to find believable characters with genuine personalities.
56) In the coming year I will endeavor not to hate other writers for being better than I am. I will practice my craft honing my skills till I perfect them. Then I shall LOATHE and HATE them.
57) In the coming year I will not get upset with my real life friends for not wanting to read my newest chapter, story, poem, no matter how much I beg and throw a fit.
58 ) In the coming year I will not kill off a character just to bring her or him back to life for the pure pleasure of killing him or her off again. Unless, of course, doing so gives me immense pleasure, instant gratification.
59) In the coming year I will not scream, throw up or curse like a sailor when I read or see some Roswell coupling I now find disgusting because I must remember that at one time in a bout of temporary insanity I did read and enjoyed or wrote with exuberance about the said coupling, thus I will bite my tongue from saying EWWWWW.
60) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. I also will not pretend to be disgusted a the “porn” stories involving my hot favorites of Max or Michael which I read in secret in the bathroom with a flashlight late at night.
61) In the coming year I will stop researching life-threatening diseases, poisons, implements of torture, just to feed my sick mind while inflicting them on the characters I detest the most.
62) In the coming year I will not post WIP, instead I will write the whole fictional piece first and post chapter at a time. I also will POST the updates not just forget about them.
63) In the coming I will endeavor to leave feedback to both those authors that are great and those that are not. Everyone loves to see feedback, it is like a drug that drives people to great heights. Hmm new occupational moneymaker???????
64) In the coming year I refuse to let the countless pleas for the next part goat me into writing some piece of crap just to please them, then feeling guilty afterwards. Instead I will do the piece and NOT feel guilty afterwards.
65) In the coming year if I am going to kill a character then I shall kill that character. Not hem and haw about it, quick easy, deed is done.
66) In the coming year I will not intentionally leave cliffhangers at the end of stories that will rock and SHOCK the whole foundation of Roswell world. Then I shall forget to update for weeks on accident of course.
67) In the coming year I will endeavor to consult “Madame Vivian” for the direction in which my stories should take.
68 ) In the coming year I will not create new characters just so Kyle can have some wild hot alien orgasmic sex, “red shirts” that Michael can kill off when in a pissy mood, or those clean cut types so Isabel can have a date before her victim, oops excuse me, her date can be eliminated. The fact that this happened both in the show and in my stories is purely coincidental in either case.
69) In the coming year I will never again have one’s nails painted bright red and exaggerated to a long thin point. Bad idea as the keyboard did not appreciate the look, nor did I the constant tappy tappy tappy sound they made.
70) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. Instead I will become absorbed in my obsession, displaying pictures of my character around the house, showing off my skill at his or her quotes from the show, or even going so far as to have all the books, magazines, videos, photos of my beloved character. I will name my children after him or her and in the throws of passion with my wife /husband I shall try and not yell out my character's name again.
71) In the coming year I will remember that not all humans are aliens and even some aliens take a while to heal. Plus I will use a REAL medical dictionary and not make up fake medical terms like 'worrywortitis' and the 'eteranal 'clamp.
72) In the coming year I will endeavor not to write on and on in senseless manner about what my character thought, thinking of doing, plans to do, or has done to the point of ad nauseam.
73) In the coming year I will not skip all the plot details and descriptions of what is going to just to get to the really good stuff…. You know the part where the character goes: OOOOHHH YEEESSSSS MOOOOREE DEEEPER.. OOOO GOOOODDDDD
74) In the coming year I will not kill off a character just because I despise him or her. Instead I will use the elements of humiliation, torture and embarrassment to deal with the bitch, whore, slut, ass, bastard that he or she is.
75) In the coming year I shall not just write a funny moment during a tragic love scene or dramatic point even though I can do it and no one can say no.
76) In the coming year I will not by accident ignore one story to give my new found plot driven story more attention. Instead I will on purpose IGNORE.
77) In the coming year I will endeavor to remember that no matter how obsessed I am with a canon character and think I am the all knowing guru, I am not the ultimate authority on that character.
78 ) In the coming year I will not skip over the detail needed areas to stimulate plot growth and development simply because I was too tired and instead inserted page after page pointing out Michael’s HUGE organ, Max’s eyes and ab muscles, Zan’s rather LARGE (insert part name), Rath’s ass... you get the picture
79) In the coming year I will not write an epic length during class, shopping, dentist visit, stopped in traffic, doctor wait, without first editing out all the comments accidentally inserted. For instance: “get this firkin line moving” “WTF does want to probe mean …”
80) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath,or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. I will not show the false “ewww” when slash stories are mentioned, concealing the fact I am a closet slash writer going under the name of “Men_in_Men”. Nor will I go “ewww “over Michael or Max with other female partners, I shall remain nameless as a one of those lurkers who enjoy but dare not say.
81) In the coming year I will not ignore my family for the story. Well maybe not completely, depends on how they are treating me at the moment.
82) In the coming year I will not cancel a date with the rare male species, because I have a sudden revelation in a story. Unless of course he is a dud, a real loser, and all the patrons at the bar are female and I am not into at that moment in getting down and dirty with any of them. Then the writing instinct becomes a survival instinct.
83) In the coming year if I have a battle scene I will not just write, “the battle was long and hard”. Instead I will have the “guts” to write all the good gore and blood that every battle scene should have.
84) In the coming year I will attempt to have continuity in my stories or series. cough cough .. sorry got a frog stuck.. cough cough
85) In the coming year I will refrain from having the cliché “long lost twin siblings that the character never knew they had” show up out of nowhere. Oh shoot that was already done on Roswell.. …cross that one off the list.
86) In the coming year I will write a romance story that isn't about my favorite coupling.
87) In the year to coming I will no longer count talking about my stories for hours in the various chat rooms or to my children forced to listen as actually writing time.
88 ) In the coming year I will actually research material that is not in my realm of expertise and not just take a stab in the dark. Hint a colt is not always a gun when in someone’s hand nor is a filly always a horse.
89) In the coming year I will not invent new powers for the aliens because it was cool and for no other logical reason.
90) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. During this two hours what I do with my men is my business. Although there appears to be videotape of a “play rehearsal” in which an alien clad “Max” and “Michael” were seen using their personal alien probes on an undisclosed female.
91) In the coming year I will not make one character in the story more intelligent, handsome, brave to the point of omniscient in an attempt to make the other characters inferior in status.
92) In the coming year I will actually use an atlas or encyclopedia when my characters visit a foreign land. Hint: The Himalayas are not a warm grassy savanna region located in South America.
93) In the coming year I DO NOT need chocolate to write nor is it an indication of sexual frustration. Did you not just read #90? What do you think I would make that kind of stuff up?
94) In the coming year blaming the kids for having to do their homework on the computer is no excuse for not getting update done.
95) In the coming year I will refrain from indicating Maria uses drugs when she is sniffing her “cedar oil”.
96) In the coming year if a writer offends my beloved character I will refrain from blasting that story on chat sites and in pm’s saying how terrible it is and the writer no mater how much it may kill me to keep my mouth shut.
97) In the coming year I will remember that fanfiction is supposed to be fun and stop stressing out to the max when my stories don't come out the way I planned or got the feedback I expected.
98 ) In the coming year I shall yield to the “book of destiny” and write my own novel of destiny making me a published writer. Once I am all powerful writer, all shall bow down to me….. Muhaha (evil laughter continues)
99) In the coming year I will do all the things on this list as humanly possible, but then again who says I am a HUMAN.
100) In the coming year I WILL NOT drool over Max, Michael, Kyle, Alex, Rath, or Zan for more than 2 hours a day. Hell with that time deadline, make it 24/7….. I plan to be in perpetual lust.
"Well, that's just another typical anniversary of writing in Roswell-Land. Hope you all enjoy the Anniversary resolutions and if you follow them you will be happy like me and we can all live in “Happy Land with out nice clean white sheets in our nice clean white rooms.” Well off now to do some updates, cough cough .. sorry got a frog stuck.. cough cough ……
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